Post by Beelzebibble on Nov 6, 2009 3:26:06 GMT -5
Ten Ways to Kill an RP (And Ten Ways Not To)
All right, it seems like my summer effort to revitalize some old but still worthy RPs didn’t pan out so well. Too many Spoiled Rotten topics, I guess. Well that just means it’s time to try a different approach. If nothing can be done for the poor RPs which are already dead, then perhaps it is best to take a lesson from history and learn how not to let our sons’ and daughters’ RPs share the same fate. By “our sons’ and daughters’ RPs” I don’t exclusively mean Ishkabibble, thank you.
Yes, once again, I’ve sacrificed valuable homework time, made only slightly less valuable by the fact that I have no classes tomorrow, to set forth a topic with the lofty intention of keeping the RP scene vital and healthy. I truly am the faithful guardian of RP. No one has done more for this community than me. And I have definitely never, ever given up on a story, bailed out, and asked to be discounted from it, because that is something a faithful RP guardian would never do.
Pictured: Pohatu
So sit back, relax, and let old Uncle Pohatu share some painstakingly-researched advice on warning signs that you might be about to kill an RP. How much pain did this research stake? I went through and read the last post of every ORP and FRP topic whose most recent activity occurred six months or more ago. Comparing these posts, I found a number of common elements. Patterns, if you will. Tropes which popped up in one fatal post after another.
The number in question was ten.
#10. Don’t talk all science-y.
The victims:
The Tinker; The R&D Companies SUCK!; Fate; Genesis Rising; Broken Lands
The problem:
Look, this may seem like kind of a bold start, but I think we can all agree: Science blows. More so, science talk blows. Scientists are always spouting all this messed-up shit about quarks and viscosity and magnetohydrodynamowhatever and something called “flux pumping”. I blame science for the fact that the Wikipedia article entitled bang senseless is so much more boring than it could have been, and I blame science talk for taking the lives of a good five topics throughout RP history before any of them even made it to page two.
Bro. Shut up.
The solution:
Well, as eighty percent of those examples demonstrate, the most effective way to avoid killing an RP by overloading it with science talk is to not be Choobs.
If not being Choobs isn’t enough to assuage your worries (it works for a lot of worries though), or if God forbid you ever find yourself actually needing to be Choobs for some reason, the next best course of action is to make all of your characters functionally illiterate. Or Amish. In extreme cases try both.
The exception:
To be sure, there have been RPs which contain science talk and yet are either finished or still doing well. The Return, for instance. We might reasonably conclude from that example that you’re allowed to talk all science-y when you’re dead and in a flashback, but not while you’re alive. Also apparently it’s cool even if you come back to life later. But if the sweet sweet aftertaste of being a rotting corpse has never lingered on your palate, well, you can just keep all that Bill Nye stuff to yourself.
#9. Don’t undergo physical transformations.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Damien: The Giant; Guyver; Burmecian Bounty; Dejurrin Island, the Start of it All; Of the Coin
The problem:
All right, guys. I know you love you your anime. I love me my anime too. However, my anime is more of the Baccano!/Cowboy Bebop variety, and less of the “WAAAA SUPAA GENKI ONE WINGED HEAVEN’S ENVOY TRANSFORM” variety. And it turns out that proponents of that brand of anime tend to have a somewhat dire effect on RPs. Bonus points if the transformation includes golden hair, golden armor, or golden anything, really.
The golden thong shots were edited out of the Funimation dub.
The solution:
I think I see what the issue is, here. Other RPers have a hard time dealing with it when your characters change their manifestations. We have to, like, come to terms with this whole paradigm shift and start looking at your characters in a brand new light and that’s difficult, man. It’s a discourtesy to keep forcing other RPers to cast aside what they thought they knew about your character because this new version is so much better. Therefore the best solution is to keep all of your characters exactly the same forever.
The exception:
The God of the Sea has people transforming all over the place (including hair that goes golden!), and it’s doing just swimmingly!
Okay, well, actually it hasn’t had a post in a month and currently sits at the very bottom of the first page of ORP. Um… Maybe you guys should be worried.
#8. Avoid craters.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Just Like Home; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; Garth; BAR fight; Unholy Purification
The problem:
I’m as surprised as you are to see this one make the list, but I couldn’t help noticing that every time a crater popped up, the RP lay down and died. It’s a weirdly specific phenomenon, but all the more worth paying heed to for that reason. Suffice it to say that if you’ve ever found yourself wondering (and well you might) whether Ishkabibble’s going to be set on the moon, I can assure you I have no such plans.
Not pictured: Ishkabibble
The solution:
This is a toughie since it’s often hard to foresee the occurrence of craters at the outset of a story. They just kind of sneak in. To be as safe as possible, you should probably try not to write about explosions, wayward planes, falling celestial objects, toppling buildings, or, due to the risk that his presence will bring about one of the aforementioned dangers, Shia LeBeouf.
The exception:
Triannual just barely managed to survive an unexpected crater attack due to some timely moderation by your good old Uncle Pohatu. God only knows what a terrible fate this worthy RP might otherwise have suffered. We must remain ever vigilant.
#7. Never introduce yourself.
The victims:
Darkness; The Lycan Clan; Garth; And the Dawn Breaks Over the Ocean; Mage’s Tower; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; Follow Your Roots, Find the Cause
The problem:
For whatever reason, when characters introduce themselves in an RP, the other participants clear out real fast. Poor Emily manages it twice in the examples listed, causing both The Lycan Clan and Mage’s Tower to keel over and gasp their last. Maybe in those two cases the only trouble is that lycans and mages are too socially stunted to know how to react to Emily’s graceful and assured presence, but there’s got to be some deeper explanation to account for the other RPs.
“Um, nice to… Nice to meet you, Emily.”
The solution:
Ever notice how introductions always happen at the beginning of a story? Yeah. Bad setup, if you ask me. The thing is, an RP needs to get off to a strong start if it’s going to hold people’s interest long enough to pick up momentum. We need excitement! Who wants to waste a round mechanically spitting out names like it’s an AA meeting? We know your character’s name, dude. You’ve been using it in your narrative ever since s/he walked into the RP.
In fact, hell, let’s take it a step further and just aim for a complete synthesis of RPer knowledge with character knowledge. Why bother drawing a distinction? If the other RPer writes that their character had a thought, go ahead and let your character comment on that! After all, you’re not the one who went to all that trouble of writing the thought in the first place, are you? Other guy might as well have tweeted it.
The exception:
Whisper in my Ear spends like a whole page on introductions – in fact, the proper plot seems to be only just now getting underway. And yet the RP is doing fine. There’s got to be something about the backdrop – something intrinsically intriguing about the sights, or the sounds, or the smells, of Venice. Okay, you know what, it’s probably the smells.
#6. Try not to use swords for their intended purpose.
The victims:
Quest for Kaminarishinda; The Altar of Frost; Garth; Kaz vs. Yisimentsu; Eros; Furniture Shopping; Dark Echo of the Past; Unholy Purification
The problem:
Ever RP’s favorite weapon, swords are generally built for two broad uses: slashing and stabbing (with certain kinds of swords leaning toward one or the other, of course). The first thing you must learn about wielding a sword in RP is not to attempt either of these actions. Proper swordsmanship is more dangerous to the topic itself than to any character in it, no matter how faceless their visor or red their shirt. You can sometimes get away with slashing, but as these examples prove, stabbing is basically always a no-no (must be the undertones of sexual violence that scare other RPers off).
The sexual undertones are terrifying.
Another notable phenomenon, although there weren’t quite enough victims to merit a separate slot on this list, was the abrupt cessation of RPs after characters employed guns for the purpose of shooting bullets. The folly here is transparent.
The solution:
Well, searching for “alternative sword uses” didn’t help any. Thanks for nothing, Google. Look, you – you Bleach crowd are going to have to work this one out on your own, okay? I’m not the guy to ask for sword advice.
As far as the gun/bullet thing goes, though, you might try introducing a firearm that discharges some nonstandard form of ammunition. Like, scorpions maybe.
The exception:
Helen and Rhys get to use blades with no problem in Chains, Lips, Voices, which suggests that swordplay is acceptable as long as Pohatu believes there’s unresolved romantic tension between the combatants.
#5. Never scream.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Lloyd’s Past; The Tempest Breaks; DCDA Project; Calling the Divine Dragons; Dregs of the Setting Sun; Existential; Fortress Dragon; pretty much any topic with “Dragon” in the title
The problem:
As you can see from the examples, there is a directly proportional relation between the intensity and explicitness with which a scream is written into an RP post, and the speed with which other RPers will push each other out of the way for the exit. This explains why Calling the Divine Dragons still picked up a handful more OOC posts after Mewmassicre’s terminal contribution (nothing in-character, though. Let’s not kid ourselves, the RP was dead as soon as he typed the word “scream”), while Lloyd’s Past never garnered a single response.
Wait, guys, I really think we should try to revive this one.
The solution:
I could recommend not screaming, but that wouldn’t be enough, right? After all, it’s a pretty reflexive action. I can’t very well tell you your characters shouldn’t blink any more. Or shrug. Or smirk. Well, okay, scratch that: Your characters should not shrug or smirk any more. They can still blink, though. That’s cool.
No, the solution is to stop placing your characters in terrifying and/or life-threatening situations. Or situations where they put their hand on a hot stove by mistake. Also never let someone turn on the faucet while you’ve got a character(s) in the shower. That one’s mostly for you, Loogs.
The exception:
Terrian vs. Summer allowed the former contender to get away with a “choked outcry” without slaying the RP.
This tells us that screaming is okay when your character is a designated wuss in the first place.
#4. Do not, repeat, do not mention food.
The victims:
Breaking; A Second Breath, A Second Dawn…; The Lycan Clan; Wasteland’s Childe; Ten Days Past the Former Present; Calling the Divine Dragons; Birth and Reverse; I Don’t Need a Parrot; Throw It Into Chaos; Eros (FRP)
The problem:
Provisions. Nourishment. F*ckin’ yum-yums. Enough has been said. Food (and occasionally drink) cannot exist within RP. Its very mention sends stories plummeting to the floor like discarded chicken bones. Discarded by savages, I mean.
Fascinatingly, Mark’s lethal line in Birth and Reverse demonstrates that food doesn’t even have to be physically present in a post to kill the RP. Merely tossing in a Seinfeld reference whose soup imagery exists solely in Mark’s imagination was enough to seal the poor story’s fate.
BUT NOT FOR YOU
The solution:
Forcing starvation upon your characters would be cruel and unusual treatment, even for Primus. Instead, try sneaking their sustenance under the radar by having them consume strictly nonfood items like Taco Bell fare.
The exception:
Luxury Airship Ride sidesteps the dilemma when Bulbs manages a feat which any English professor would envy: deconstructing mashed potatoes.
#3. Hell gates. Maybe don’t write about them.
What?
The victims:
The Tempest Breaks; Bound; Why’s it Black?; Raising Hell
The problem:
Wait – but, seriously – what? How did this one get on the list?
Seriously though?
The solution:
Uhh… All right. Whoo. Let’s see. Um. I guess… Hell gates. Maybe don’t write about them? Maybe if your story includes a hell gate, or a gate that looks hellish, or a gate that has hell-like properties, or any other object that represents a vague connection between the concepts of “gate” and “hell”, then maybe – then maybe you’re screwed? For reasons that are totally contingent on the fact that your story is about a hell gate, and involve no other factors whatsoever?
Hypothetically.
The exception:
Ha ha! Ha! Yes. Um. Moving right along…
#2. Easy on the swearing though.
The victims:
The Tempest Breaks; Prime’s Dark Smithy; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; Garth (a record holder at this point); Mortal as Sin; Escape; Overthrown; BAR fight; Reasons; Carnage on Ile’s Pond; Revival; Existential; Fortress Dragon; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; I Don’t Need a Parrot; The Cat’s Meow; Unholy Purification; The Rings of Life; Neo Genesis Run
Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting the body count to spike like that, were you.
The problem:
Swearing. It’s healthy, it’s fun, and according to the laws of whatever Puritan god hides behind the shroud of RP, it’s the work of Satan. Why else would so many topics drop like flies after one measly expletive? And let’s be clear about the range of expletives on display here, too: In looking through those posts, I found no swear word more objectionable than “f*ck” and its ilk, while at the other end of the spectrum, quite a few RPs kicked the bucket after experiencing the faintest tickle of a sweet little “damn”.
Photographic interpretation of the word “damn”
The solution:
Keep in mind what I said about the ceiling on this thing. “F*ck” is the highest-profile swear word that’s been shown to kill an RP. I’m sure you lil’ rascals can think of plenty of swear words more deplorable than that! That mean ol’ Puritan RP god has probably never even heard of the verb “to felch”!
The exception:
Triannual again: Lee strings together a “F*ckers!” and an “Un-f*cking-believable!” before dialing it down a bit with “…two friggin’ times!” Perhaps it is this minor concession to decency at the end which placated the god, allowing Tri to continue onto page two and beyond.
Wow! We’ve come a long way, huh? Only one to go, and according to the way the victim lists have been growing, this transgression has to be the deadliest of all! Man, I am filled with curiosity! Look at how many victims were listed for swearing! What could possibly do in even more topics than swearing? I’ll just scroll down here to find out and…
#1. It’s the word “energy”.
Well, f*ck me all the way to the end of time.
The victims:
Just Like Home; A Reason to Live; DCDA Project; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; All Strings Attached; not Garth, amazingly; Burmecian Bounty; A Very Big Problem; Arcane Artifacts; Advent Horizon; Reasons; The Invisible Demon; Let’s settle this; Fortress Dragon; Dejurrin Island, the Start of it All; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; Black Resurrection; Of Martyrs and Monsters; Spirit Forge: Getsuhashi; The Rings of Life; Past, Present, Future; The Steely Enigma; Shadow Fox
The problem:
I’m probably not going to be able to say it any better than I did two years ago.
I do, however, want to add that by far the most awesome use of the word “energy” I’ve ever seen, which I would frame and hang on my wall if I weren’t concerned that I would have to explain it to too many confused visitors, comes to us courtesy of Kevin in The Invisible Demon:
Read it again. “Two energies of pure psyche energy”. Energies… of energy. It’s brilliant. And it is RP kryptonite. Basically, what Kevin did to The Invisible Demon with those words was the equivalent of ripping its spinal cord out through its mouth and then using said spinal cord to throttle it.
Pic unrelated.
The solution:
There is no solution.
The exception:
There are no exceptions.
Uh, no, Pohatu, I’m pretty sure there are plenty of—
Plenty of no exceptions at all
All right, it seems like my summer effort to revitalize some old but still worthy RPs didn’t pan out so well. Too many Spoiled Rotten topics, I guess. Well that just means it’s time to try a different approach. If nothing can be done for the poor RPs which are already dead, then perhaps it is best to take a lesson from history and learn how not to let our sons’ and daughters’ RPs share the same fate. By “our sons’ and daughters’ RPs” I don’t exclusively mean Ishkabibble, thank you.
Yes, once again, I’ve sacrificed valuable homework time, made only slightly less valuable by the fact that I have no classes tomorrow, to set forth a topic with the lofty intention of keeping the RP scene vital and healthy. I truly am the faithful guardian of RP. No one has done more for this community than me. And I have definitely never, ever given up on a story, bailed out, and asked to be discounted from it, because that is something a faithful RP guardian would never do.
Pictured: Pohatu
So sit back, relax, and let old Uncle Pohatu share some painstakingly-researched advice on warning signs that you might be about to kill an RP. How much pain did this research stake? I went through and read the last post of every ORP and FRP topic whose most recent activity occurred six months or more ago. Comparing these posts, I found a number of common elements. Patterns, if you will. Tropes which popped up in one fatal post after another.
The number in question was ten.
#10. Don’t talk all science-y.
The victims:
The Tinker; The R&D Companies SUCK!; Fate; Genesis Rising; Broken Lands
The problem:
Look, this may seem like kind of a bold start, but I think we can all agree: Science blows. More so, science talk blows. Scientists are always spouting all this messed-up shit about quarks and viscosity and magnetohydrodynamowhatever and something called “flux pumping”. I blame science for the fact that the Wikipedia article entitled bang senseless is so much more boring than it could have been, and I blame science talk for taking the lives of a good five topics throughout RP history before any of them even made it to page two.
Bro. Shut up.
The solution:
Well, as eighty percent of those examples demonstrate, the most effective way to avoid killing an RP by overloading it with science talk is to not be Choobs.
If not being Choobs isn’t enough to assuage your worries (it works for a lot of worries though), or if God forbid you ever find yourself actually needing to be Choobs for some reason, the next best course of action is to make all of your characters functionally illiterate. Or Amish. In extreme cases try both.
The exception:
To be sure, there have been RPs which contain science talk and yet are either finished or still doing well. The Return, for instance. We might reasonably conclude from that example that you’re allowed to talk all science-y when you’re dead and in a flashback, but not while you’re alive. Also apparently it’s cool even if you come back to life later. But if the sweet sweet aftertaste of being a rotting corpse has never lingered on your palate, well, you can just keep all that Bill Nye stuff to yourself.
#9. Don’t undergo physical transformations.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Damien: The Giant; Guyver; Burmecian Bounty; Dejurrin Island, the Start of it All; Of the Coin
The problem:
All right, guys. I know you love you your anime. I love me my anime too. However, my anime is more of the Baccano!/Cowboy Bebop variety, and less of the “WAAAA SUPAA GENKI ONE WINGED HEAVEN’S ENVOY TRANSFORM” variety. And it turns out that proponents of that brand of anime tend to have a somewhat dire effect on RPs. Bonus points if the transformation includes golden hair, golden armor, or golden anything, really.
The golden thong shots were edited out of the Funimation dub.
The solution:
I think I see what the issue is, here. Other RPers have a hard time dealing with it when your characters change their manifestations. We have to, like, come to terms with this whole paradigm shift and start looking at your characters in a brand new light and that’s difficult, man. It’s a discourtesy to keep forcing other RPers to cast aside what they thought they knew about your character because this new version is so much better. Therefore the best solution is to keep all of your characters exactly the same forever.
The exception:
The God of the Sea has people transforming all over the place (including hair that goes golden!), and it’s doing just swimmingly!
Okay, well, actually it hasn’t had a post in a month and currently sits at the very bottom of the first page of ORP. Um… Maybe you guys should be worried.
#8. Avoid craters.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Just Like Home; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; Garth; BAR fight; Unholy Purification
The problem:
I’m as surprised as you are to see this one make the list, but I couldn’t help noticing that every time a crater popped up, the RP lay down and died. It’s a weirdly specific phenomenon, but all the more worth paying heed to for that reason. Suffice it to say that if you’ve ever found yourself wondering (and well you might) whether Ishkabibble’s going to be set on the moon, I can assure you I have no such plans.
Not pictured: Ishkabibble
The solution:
This is a toughie since it’s often hard to foresee the occurrence of craters at the outset of a story. They just kind of sneak in. To be as safe as possible, you should probably try not to write about explosions, wayward planes, falling celestial objects, toppling buildings, or, due to the risk that his presence will bring about one of the aforementioned dangers, Shia LeBeouf.
The exception:
Triannual just barely managed to survive an unexpected crater attack due to some timely moderation by your good old Uncle Pohatu. God only knows what a terrible fate this worthy RP might otherwise have suffered. We must remain ever vigilant.
#7. Never introduce yourself.
The victims:
Darkness; The Lycan Clan; Garth; And the Dawn Breaks Over the Ocean; Mage’s Tower; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; Follow Your Roots, Find the Cause
The problem:
For whatever reason, when characters introduce themselves in an RP, the other participants clear out real fast. Poor Emily manages it twice in the examples listed, causing both The Lycan Clan and Mage’s Tower to keel over and gasp their last. Maybe in those two cases the only trouble is that lycans and mages are too socially stunted to know how to react to Emily’s graceful and assured presence, but there’s got to be some deeper explanation to account for the other RPs.
“Um, nice to… Nice to meet you, Emily.”
The solution:
Ever notice how introductions always happen at the beginning of a story? Yeah. Bad setup, if you ask me. The thing is, an RP needs to get off to a strong start if it’s going to hold people’s interest long enough to pick up momentum. We need excitement! Who wants to waste a round mechanically spitting out names like it’s an AA meeting? We know your character’s name, dude. You’ve been using it in your narrative ever since s/he walked into the RP.
In fact, hell, let’s take it a step further and just aim for a complete synthesis of RPer knowledge with character knowledge. Why bother drawing a distinction? If the other RPer writes that their character had a thought, go ahead and let your character comment on that! After all, you’re not the one who went to all that trouble of writing the thought in the first place, are you? Other guy might as well have tweeted it.
The exception:
Whisper in my Ear spends like a whole page on introductions – in fact, the proper plot seems to be only just now getting underway. And yet the RP is doing fine. There’s got to be something about the backdrop – something intrinsically intriguing about the sights, or the sounds, or the smells, of Venice. Okay, you know what, it’s probably the smells.
#6. Try not to use swords for their intended purpose.
The victims:
Quest for Kaminarishinda; The Altar of Frost; Garth; Kaz vs. Yisimentsu; Eros; Furniture Shopping; Dark Echo of the Past; Unholy Purification
The problem:
Ever RP’s favorite weapon, swords are generally built for two broad uses: slashing and stabbing (with certain kinds of swords leaning toward one or the other, of course). The first thing you must learn about wielding a sword in RP is not to attempt either of these actions. Proper swordsmanship is more dangerous to the topic itself than to any character in it, no matter how faceless their visor or red their shirt. You can sometimes get away with slashing, but as these examples prove, stabbing is basically always a no-no (must be the undertones of sexual violence that scare other RPers off).
The sexual undertones are terrifying.
Another notable phenomenon, although there weren’t quite enough victims to merit a separate slot on this list, was the abrupt cessation of RPs after characters employed guns for the purpose of shooting bullets. The folly here is transparent.
The solution:
Well, searching for “alternative sword uses” didn’t help any. Thanks for nothing, Google. Look, you – you Bleach crowd are going to have to work this one out on your own, okay? I’m not the guy to ask for sword advice.
As far as the gun/bullet thing goes, though, you might try introducing a firearm that discharges some nonstandard form of ammunition. Like, scorpions maybe.
The exception:
Helen and Rhys get to use blades with no problem in Chains, Lips, Voices, which suggests that swordplay is acceptable as long as Pohatu believes there’s unresolved romantic tension between the combatants.
#5. Never scream.
The victims:
The Divine Dragon: Two Dragoon Are Born!; Lloyd’s Past; The Tempest Breaks; DCDA Project; Calling the Divine Dragons; Dregs of the Setting Sun; Existential; Fortress Dragon; pretty much any topic with “Dragon” in the title
The problem:
As you can see from the examples, there is a directly proportional relation between the intensity and explicitness with which a scream is written into an RP post, and the speed with which other RPers will push each other out of the way for the exit. This explains why Calling the Divine Dragons still picked up a handful more OOC posts after Mewmassicre’s terminal contribution (nothing in-character, though. Let’s not kid ourselves, the RP was dead as soon as he typed the word “scream”), while Lloyd’s Past never garnered a single response.
Wait, guys, I really think we should try to revive this one.
The solution:
I could recommend not screaming, but that wouldn’t be enough, right? After all, it’s a pretty reflexive action. I can’t very well tell you your characters shouldn’t blink any more. Or shrug. Or smirk. Well, okay, scratch that: Your characters should not shrug or smirk any more. They can still blink, though. That’s cool.
No, the solution is to stop placing your characters in terrifying and/or life-threatening situations. Or situations where they put their hand on a hot stove by mistake. Also never let someone turn on the faucet while you’ve got a character(s) in the shower. That one’s mostly for you, Loogs.
The exception:
Terrian vs. Summer allowed the former contender to get away with a “choked outcry” without slaying the RP.
This tells us that screaming is okay when your character is a designated wuss in the first place.
#4. Do not, repeat, do not mention food.
The victims:
Breaking; A Second Breath, A Second Dawn…; The Lycan Clan; Wasteland’s Childe; Ten Days Past the Former Present; Calling the Divine Dragons; Birth and Reverse; I Don’t Need a Parrot; Throw It Into Chaos; Eros (FRP)
The problem:
Provisions. Nourishment. F*ckin’ yum-yums. Enough has been said. Food (and occasionally drink) cannot exist within RP. Its very mention sends stories plummeting to the floor like discarded chicken bones. Discarded by savages, I mean.
Fascinatingly, Mark’s lethal line in Birth and Reverse demonstrates that food doesn’t even have to be physically present in a post to kill the RP. Merely tossing in a Seinfeld reference whose soup imagery exists solely in Mark’s imagination was enough to seal the poor story’s fate.
BUT NOT FOR YOU
The solution:
Forcing starvation upon your characters would be cruel and unusual treatment, even for Primus. Instead, try sneaking their sustenance under the radar by having them consume strictly nonfood items like Taco Bell fare.
The exception:
Luxury Airship Ride sidesteps the dilemma when Bulbs manages a feat which any English professor would envy: deconstructing mashed potatoes.
#3. Hell gates. Maybe don’t write about them.
What?
The victims:
The Tempest Breaks; Bound; Why’s it Black?; Raising Hell
The problem:
Wait – but, seriously – what? How did this one get on the list?
Seriously though?
The solution:
Uhh… All right. Whoo. Let’s see. Um. I guess… Hell gates. Maybe don’t write about them? Maybe if your story includes a hell gate, or a gate that looks hellish, or a gate that has hell-like properties, or any other object that represents a vague connection between the concepts of “gate” and “hell”, then maybe – then maybe you’re screwed? For reasons that are totally contingent on the fact that your story is about a hell gate, and involve no other factors whatsoever?
Hypothetically.
The exception:
Ha ha! Ha! Yes. Um. Moving right along…
#2. Easy on the swearing though.
The victims:
The Tempest Breaks; Prime’s Dark Smithy; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; Garth (a record holder at this point); Mortal as Sin; Escape; Overthrown; BAR fight; Reasons; Carnage on Ile’s Pond; Revival; Existential; Fortress Dragon; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; I Don’t Need a Parrot; The Cat’s Meow; Unholy Purification; The Rings of Life; Neo Genesis Run
Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting the body count to spike like that, were you.
The problem:
Swearing. It’s healthy, it’s fun, and according to the laws of whatever Puritan god hides behind the shroud of RP, it’s the work of Satan. Why else would so many topics drop like flies after one measly expletive? And let’s be clear about the range of expletives on display here, too: In looking through those posts, I found no swear word more objectionable than “f*ck” and its ilk, while at the other end of the spectrum, quite a few RPs kicked the bucket after experiencing the faintest tickle of a sweet little “damn”.
Photographic interpretation of the word “damn”
The solution:
Keep in mind what I said about the ceiling on this thing. “F*ck” is the highest-profile swear word that’s been shown to kill an RP. I’m sure you lil’ rascals can think of plenty of swear words more deplorable than that! That mean ol’ Puritan RP god has probably never even heard of the verb “to felch”!
The exception:
Triannual again: Lee strings together a “F*ckers!” and an “Un-f*cking-believable!” before dialing it down a bit with “…two friggin’ times!” Perhaps it is this minor concession to decency at the end which placated the god, allowing Tri to continue onto page two and beyond.
Wow! We’ve come a long way, huh? Only one to go, and according to the way the victim lists have been growing, this transgression has to be the deadliest of all! Man, I am filled with curiosity! Look at how many victims were listed for swearing! What could possibly do in even more topics than swearing? I’ll just scroll down here to find out and…
#1. It’s the word “energy”.
Well, f*ck me all the way to the end of time.
The victims:
Just Like Home; A Reason to Live; DCDA Project; Teh Tokyo ’Tack; All Strings Attached; not Garth, amazingly; Burmecian Bounty; A Very Big Problem; Arcane Artifacts; Advent Horizon; Reasons; The Invisible Demon; Let’s settle this; Fortress Dragon; Dejurrin Island, the Start of it All; Infestation of Paradyne City Act 2; Black Resurrection; Of Martyrs and Monsters; Spirit Forge: Getsuhashi; The Rings of Life; Past, Present, Future; The Steely Enigma; Shadow Fox
The problem:
I’m probably not going to be able to say it any better than I did two years ago.
Boy, the idea of “energy” as some kind of crackling, glowing power that inexplicably has concussive force even though it appears to be nothing more than light is handy, isn’t it? What did writers do before that concept was invented? The genre of fantasy was clearly a barren wasteland until this hip new definition of “energy” hit the literary scene. I mean, heck, I always thought “energy” meant “the capacity for vigorous activity; available power” or “an adequate or abundant amount of such power”, but I guess only stupid doodyfaces use those definitions any more, eh?
I do, however, want to add that by far the most awesome use of the word “energy” I’ve ever seen, which I would frame and hang on my wall if I weren’t concerned that I would have to explain it to too many confused visitors, comes to us courtesy of Kevin in The Invisible Demon:
Mar 8, 2007 11:51:19 GMT -5 @albatrosstrevelyan said:
Ariana opened both of her palms and two energies of pure psyche energy formed.Read it again. “Two energies of pure psyche energy”. Energies… of energy. It’s brilliant. And it is RP kryptonite. Basically, what Kevin did to The Invisible Demon with those words was the equivalent of ripping its spinal cord out through its mouth and then using said spinal cord to throttle it.
Pic unrelated.
The solution:
There is no solution.
The exception:
There are no exceptions.
Uh, no, Pohatu, I’m pretty sure there are plenty of—
Plenty of no exceptions at all