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Post by Beelzebibble on Jan 8, 2009 22:49:40 GMT -5
Congratulations! You found the first clue. This is the first Post Race! This is where it all began for you. Without these names of legend strapping in for this hell-fraught race into the unknown, we'd never know the exhilaration, the pure rush of the Post Race we know and love today. Now for the second clue. Choose the word (hidden in the post below) that best completes this sentence.
The TORPHY was awarded _________________ to the deceased racer.
Welcome, one and all, to Archie Exie's first Post Race! Not quite a Scrap Heap institution and not nearly on the same scale as a Mafia run, you could liken this to a forum mini-game. The rules? They're easy. Lemme run through them: (1) Beginning with this post, every post I make in this topic signals the beginning of a new "lap". You have to post in this topic before I begin the next lap. (2) The last person to post in each lap is eliminated, which starts the next lap. (3) If two or more people are holding up the race, I reserve the right to end the lap early and without warning and eliminate any or all of the laggers. And I'll do it with a smile. (4) Once a racer is eliminated, any further posts they make in this topic will be heartily ignored. (5) Any non-contestant is free to post encouragement here, but if they attempt to join the race late, they too will be heartily ignored. (6) If you're a contestant and you haven't posted yet, you should probably go make a Quick Reply and then come back to read the rest of these rules. (7) Prizes: Since there are ten racers in all, the winner will receive 30 EP. 20 EP to the first runner-up, 10 EP to the second runner-up. The first and second runner-up prizes will be awarded posthumously. (8) Your posts can be anything. A single sentence, a single word, a single letter even. All that matters is that you generate a post in this topic. (9) However, you may rest assured that I will be only too happy to allocate under-the-table EP handouts to people who risk an extra minute or two to put together something interesting, creative or funny. (10) ???(11) PROFIT! With no other rules... "And a fine turnout we have today from all corners of Archipelago Exodus! Let's see... Ah, there's Lee down there, riding his flying tennis racquet with jets built in! No doubt a tribute to his RP main, Zebedee. Lee's got his new computer and he is all set to actually be around so he can post. "No lesser man than Bulbs has arrived to challenge him, reining in Epona, the strapping steed of that other man in green. As the forum's resident wild card, Bulbs is expected to pull off some surprising stunts today! "In the front row, nearside pole position, I see SV standing proud in her chariot pulled by jet-powered cheetahs. She's clearly prepared to do anything to win this race, up to and including tossing out any notion of subtlety. "That must be Elliot right next to her, the boy on the flying broomstick. He claims it's because he's Elphaba reincarnate, but I think we all know the truth. Say hi to Hagger for us, Elliot! "There's DL off in the back row. Astride the imposing Flying Spaghetti Monster, he looks ready to serve up some jihad chow mein to the heathen nonbelievers. "I can't see exactly what Kevin's standing on, but it looks like... a pair of underwear? Magical, maybe even! Wonder if he can pull up a victory today? Okay, that was low. " Kuroboom over there seems to be making a statement with his Galapagos Tortoise, but I've got to hand it to him: This may be a slow steed he's chosen, but for resilience and durability he's made the right choice. " Hated Aries has gone for a classy touch... or... well... a something touch with his Volkswagen minibus. Can this reformed two-minute member emerge as the dark horse champion today? "I think we were all a little surprised to see Asmo come out of the woodwork to join the race. He's chosen no vehicle, but adorned his figure with a pair of what are undoubtedly pretty fruity small running shorts. We wish him the best of luck. "And, of course, there's V101. She isn't taking any chances in this competition. You can tell because she's piloting the goddamned Millennium Falcon. Watch out, the rest of you. That thing once took out a Death Star. "Those are all our contestants -- now, once the light turns green, the race will begin. Can I get a green light? "That'll be green enough. Let the race... begin!"
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Post by Kuroboom on Jan 8, 2009 22:55:18 GMT -5
Edgar slowly crawls through the checkpoint first with Kuroboom riding on top.
"IN YO FACES, BITCHES! MY TORTOISE (not a turtle, potato) JUST CRUSHED YO ASSES." -gangsta poses-
Edit: I'd like to note that while talking in Gangtsa can be fun, it isn't nearly as fun or productive as Piratese which I hope to see become a real language.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 8, 2009 23:27:53 GMT -5
"I must say that I'm slightly disconcerted by his decision to divide the competition into faps," Lee muttered nonchalantly, dangling from his tennis racquet as it streaked along the desert wasteland.
"I mean really, this is a family friendly board. Several members have their little sisters visit on a-" Lee paused, and cocked his head, as he shot by Asmo.
"Nevermind, fellas. If anybody sees that, their mind won't be so innocent anymore."
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Post by V101 on Jan 8, 2009 23:40:04 GMT -5
aaaay
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Post by AngelicTragedy on Jan 9, 2009 0:29:57 GMT -5
LET THERE BE SEXY PARTY!!!
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Post by Albatross Trevelyan on Jan 9, 2009 1:12:11 GMT -5
These undies don't fit...
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SV
Friendliest Member of ALL TIME
The Friendliest Member Of ALL TIME
Posts: 2,250
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Post by SV on Jan 9, 2009 1:54:57 GMT -5
OH CRAP.
------------
SV, in her resplendent chariot pulled by a team of equally resplendent cheetahs equipped with shiny chrome (and also resplendent) jet-packs, grabbed up the reins and shot after the opposing racers. She accredited her slow start to having held down the A button at the wrong time.
Adjusting her prescription racing goggles, the ever-ineffable SV hunkered down behind the reins. Though she may not be in a good position now, she felt she was gaining quickly. She had easily outstripped Asmo (who was wearing shorts that made her think briefly of pork, melee weapons, and the movie Juno) and a lactose-intolerant young man in a VW bus that looked as though it could be subject to a drug search at any moment.
Then suddenly, she felt a tug at her reins. It appeared her lead cheetah, Wilma Rudolph, had caught the scent of garlic off the flying spaghetti monster. SV salivated; she was a whore for Italian food. With renewed fervor, she snapped the line and her feline force sped ahead, chasing the promise of meatballs.
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Post by asmo on Jan 9, 2009 3:34:00 GMT -5
nothing funny - this is business.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Jan 9, 2009 7:42:48 GMT -5
Elliot quickly swerved mid flight, soaring alongside SV. "Hi BFF! I know you're my BFF but I still don't want to lose," he said. He opened a book he just so happened to have in his pocket of infinite holding and started chanting nonsense words to give him extra speed. Instead, he just managed to turn his hair a fairly vibrant shade of blue.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 9, 2009 8:50:22 GMT -5
"It appears to be a battle between Hated Aries and Bulbs now," Lee offered, lapping back to Elliot's spot in the race.
"It's amazing how well Asmo is doin'! He's outrunning both a warhorse and a van!" Lee paused, thinking. "Of course, he IS all business. I think Bulbs is more preoccupied figuring out how to make the 'carrot' thing work out. And I'm not sure what Hated Aries is doing. Maybe he took one of the flag girls back to his van and-"
"I find that idea highly disturbing."
"Because it's straight?"
"Noooo... Just the principle involved in the whole thing."
"Ah. By the way, from one flying a similar craft to another..." Lee asked, pulling himself up and locking his elbows around the racquet, "Do you have anything for splinters?"
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Post by Kuroboom on Jan 9, 2009 9:00:00 GMT -5
From way up in the lead (how the fuck am I managing that on a tortoise anyway?) Kuro yells back to the starting line to Bulbs, "PRESS A TO MAKE EPONA EAT THE CARROT!"
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Jan 9, 2009 11:28:55 GMT -5
"I'd cast a spell, but it'd probably end up turning your eyes into flowers or something. Buggered if I know how this spell book works," Elliot replied, grinning sheepishly. "And I wanna know how V101 isn't outstripping us all. She's on the friggin' Millennium Falcon! And how is Kuro going so fast on a friggin' tortoise! I swear, this has to be rigged somehow."
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 9, 2009 11:33:09 GMT -5
"She'd be going faster if she wasn't pulled over, trying to convince the host to see if he was interested in a ride," Lee said with a sigh.
"As for Boom, well, he's... Well, I guess I can't say he's good at motivating people. Just look at his House. OF course, on the other hand, he may be incredible at motivating tortoises. That'd make some sense."
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Jan 9, 2009 11:43:23 GMT -5
"In that case..." Elliot whipped out his spellbook and continued chanting nonsense words. Though he had intended to cast a levitation spell on the tortoise in the hopes of it going wrong and doubling its weight, all he managed to do was make a bunch of flowers appear all over Lee's tennis racket. "Oop, sorry Lee. But if those clog your engines, and you lose, I'm not sorry at all."
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 9, 2009 11:48:37 GMT -5
"Quite alright. Old Bessy can take it!" Lee strummed his racquet appreciatively. "Only thing that she can't handle is..." He cast a glance over his shoulder, towards Kevin, and then back to his racquet again. He then shot a nervous glance at Elliot, his lower lip trembling.
"Gay guys with broomsticks, actually..."
OOC: True story!
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SV
Friendliest Member of ALL TIME
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Posts: 2,250
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Post by SV on Jan 9, 2009 12:04:55 GMT -5
"Gay guys with broomsticks, actually..." OOC: True story! SV pulled up between Lee and Elliot, munching calmly on a carrot. "Gay guys with broomsticks?" she said, making a very forced entrance to their conversation. "That happened with my high school football team when I was a freshman. We spent the rest of the season known as the Spring Hill Rapers. Rapers instead of raiders, you know." (OOC: True story!) With a wistful, reminiscent twinkle in her eye, she took another bite from the carrot, then looked at her fellow racer and her BFF. "You don't think these carrots were for anything, do you? They were just lying around..."
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Jan 9, 2009 12:36:08 GMT -5
"It's a good job Kevin's not on a broomstick then, clearly!" Elliot grinned, before realising Lee was talking about him. "Oh, wait... you ass!" Quickly, he pulled a spoon from one of his inner pockets and threw it at Lee. Then, he pulled out another two and passed one to SV, followed quickly by some yogurts. "Present!" He opened his, dipped his spoon in and raised it to his mouth. Then he did a very strange thing - glancing suspiciously at Lee's racket, he licked the yogurt off the spoon slowly, running his tongue across the contours, then around the edge.
"Is it too much for your racket, Lee?" Elliot grinned.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 9, 2009 12:55:20 GMT -5
"But..." The spoon bounced off of Lee's forehead.
"I didn't mean that it was a homophobe. Only Gil would own a homophobic tennis racquet. I meant, rather, that it has a history of being destroyed by being ran into by gays with broom sticks. Now, about that yogurt..." Lee pulled himself onto his racquet sidesadle, and watched intently, hoping for somebody to drop their yogurt. When they did, he'd swoop in and take it...
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Post by Kuroboom on Jan 9, 2009 12:57:24 GMT -5
So far in the lead by now on his tortoise which is crawling at a ridiculously slow pace, Boom had to call back on his megaphone, "It's not my fault my house only has three people. Besides, maybe you guys just suck."
"Onward, noble steed! To victory and tortoise glory!" Boom tugged the reigns a bit and Edgar crawled slightly faster along.
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Post by AngelicTragedy on Jan 9, 2009 13:35:48 GMT -5
DL flew high above the grouping of racers astride the mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. The powerful pasta conveyance rocketed forward with the speed that only the aerodynamic combination of streamline meatballs and sleek speghitti can provide. DL balanced between the great eye stocks of the the Pastafarian god like some sort of spider monkey.
"The great noodly appendage of the Flying Speghitti Monster shall smite all my opponents this day!" DL screamed out as he pointed at the ground, sending his mount's mighty arm hurtling towards Kuro and his tiny turtle.
OOC- I'm going to enjoy this topic far to much.
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Post by Hamuu on Jan 9, 2009 13:40:37 GMT -5
Bulbs smiled as the race started reached into his pack to grab a carrot.
“Now to show them what racing is… WTF?!”
He turned to see his hand protruding through a hole in his backpack. It’s contents (nothing more than Slim Jims and carrots) were gone. Muttering sweet obscenities under his breath, Bulbs dismounted and quickly ran past a rocking minibus. His feet took him through the door marked ‘Racers Only’ and down the hall. Kicking open the glass doors he ran five more feet before finally collapsing on the sidewalk.
“Gee mister,” a small wide eyed boy asked as he munched on a bag of cotton candy, “You look like you’ve been running for days.”
“No,” Bulbs wheezed as he snatched the bag away from the now crying kid, “Only about five minutes.”
Bulbs thrust his head into the bag and quickly devoured its contents. Fueled buy the sugar now coursing through his body, he managed to make it another four feet before collapsing to the ground.
Somehow, he managed to flag down a taxi and was quickly sped across town to supermarket. He hurried inside and bought 5 bags of carrots and 2 boxes of Slim Jims. When he exited the store he noticed his taxi was gone.
“Son of a- Hey!” He said as he spied an elderly lady merrily riding a rascal (one of those old people scooters) down the sidewalk.
She stopped and slowly turned her head, “Ah, what a strapping young man you are. What do you need?”
“Can I borrow your scoter for a moment, I promise to return it.”
The old lady looked down and then back at Bulbs, “Ah, what a strapping young man you are. What do you need?”
“I hate me life…”
The old lady’s eye glossed over as she began to ramble, “I remember back in the day a boy that looked like you. His name was John, John Saunders. He and I would steal away up to Inspiration Point sometimes when everyone had fallen asleep. Oh! He would grease my pipes something fierce!”
Bulbs looked at the old woman with a horrified expression, “No! Stop!” He plunged both his index fingers into his ears, “I can’t hear you! Stop! Seriously! This is disgusting!”
Unable to stand the woman any longer, Bulbs took off running back towards the racetrack. Along the way he managed to clothesline a little girl with roller blades. While she was dazed he managed to snatch the roller blades right off her feet and cram his own adult sized feet into her pink with white flower rollerblades.
Having never used roller blades before he made his way awkwardly back to the race track. He ditched the shoes and ran back towards Epona. Along the way he noticed the still rocking van and made note to tip the trio for a job well done.
Cramming a handful of carrots into Epona’s mouth, Bulbs and his stead quickly caught up with his fellow racers.
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SV
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Post by SV on Jan 9, 2009 13:42:54 GMT -5
SV took a sniff at the yogurt and passed it off to Lee. "Thanks, El, but I don't think this is going to go well with my carrots."
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Post by Kuroboom on Jan 9, 2009 13:53:25 GMT -5
"It's a large tortoise and it'll eat your god!" yelled Kuro as his tortoise snapped at the DL's limp noodle.
As he looked back, he saw Bulbs learned where the A button was meaning Aries' was out of the race without even starting. "He's prolly waaaay too high to care though," he thought.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jan 9, 2009 13:54:00 GMT -5
OOC: And HA's shaggin' wagon is the first loss! BIC: Lee accepted it cordially, and then drained it in a single swig. He then threw the container behind him, causing a small explosion. He then proceeded to dart forwards with a cordial tip of his racquet, hoping to catch up to Kuro and pass him during the resulting carnage. In case DL decided to target him as well, Lee got his pasta fork and a flamethrower ready.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jan 9, 2009 14:49:35 GMT -5
"Ah, I see Kuroboom rushing by on his surprisingly mobile turtle tortoise. He's the first to complete the lap, and I'm guessing every gambler who wrote him off as an obvious loser is reconsidering right now -- ah, and there's Lee and V101 not far behind. V101 seems to be staying out of the shenanigans up there in the Falcon; probably a wise idea. Oh, there goes DL on the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- and Kevin with his magical underpants, now that's a surprise! SV seems to be pressing in on DL's noodly steed: she and her cheetahs look hungry. And, my my, there's Asmo, chugging along in those really fruity small running shorts. Good on him for managing to outrun Elliot on his flying broomstick... now let's see, who's left... it's Bulbs and Hated Aries! Hurry up, guys, hurry up -- oh -- wait a second -- Hated Aries is in trouble -- those three prostitutes he picked up in his Volkswagen minibus seem to be attacking him -- no -- ! Yes! Those three prostitutes are actually Din, Nayru and Farore! What an astonishing turn of events! Bulbs is pumping his fist in triumph; he must have called them in with his newfound Hyrule connections! Oh, this does not look good for Hated Aries... the three goddesses are flying out of the vehicle... they're targeting it for some divine wrath -- !" "Well, that's it for Hated Aries. We hardly knew ye. And there's Bulbs and Epona galloping across the starting line just in time for..." THE SECOND LAP!
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Post by Kuroboom on Jan 9, 2009 14:52:14 GMT -5
Worried about making it to the next checkpoint before the competition, Kuro decided it was time to take drastic measures. He stopped Edgar and climbed off his back. He took a few steps back and then ran and jumped up over Edgar and landed on Edgar's back causing him to withdraw into his shell. He bounced up and jumped again and when he landed, he clung on for dear life as Edgar ROCKETED towards the next goal. Edgar took out a fat plumber who was jumping around the landscape looking for coins. Kuro didn't pay much mind though, the poor man was probably out of his mind on mushrooms.
"I'll give you some extra lettuce when we stop, buddy!" Kuro yelled through the wind.
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