Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 9, 2011 14:03:23 GMT -5
Oh my god you can’t do it bluh bluh
You would clearly /ʃæɾər/ every bone in your hand if you tried to punch this CRESTED GECKO STATUE, because it is made of solid rock and you aren’t nearly STRONG enough to so much as put a chip in it bluh bluh bluh bluh
You’re a complete weakling, a BLUBBERING LIMP-LIMBED PANSY, and there is no way a TOTALLY BADASS CHICK like Bicé would even look at you twice if she ever met you in person abluh bluh bluhhhhh
I mean all you’ve got is your WRITING TALENT and the ADORATION OF HUNDREDS on the message board, but what does that even count for in the end, really, because all art is subjective and there’ll always be PHILISTINES here and there like your dumbass friend Twerp with their LOUSY GODDAMN STUPID OPINIONS that aren’t the same as yours, and they’ll always be able to CAST DOUBTS upon your GENIUS like the FRIGGIN’ DOWNERS they are, but Bicé’s awesomeness is objective because not even Tweak could call into question all the JUMPING AROUND and FIRING GUNS and STARTING SICK FIRES WITH THE SNAP OF HER FINGERS that she is all the time doing bluh
And anyway on another note you also cannot bring yourself to smash the CRESTED GECKO STATUE because it belongs to your SISTER and even though you might not think much of her two unrelated OBSESSIONS, and though in fact they might cause you a SUBSTANTIAL DEGREE OF AGGRAVATION AND UNEASE, you’re still her little BROTHER and that means you need to show SUPPORT for her interests no matter your feelings about them because your PARENTS are long gone and all you have left in the world is EACH OTHER now bluhuhuhuhhhhhhhhhhh
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:50:11 GMT -5
> Algernon Breck: Be the mailman.
Algernon Breck cannot be the mailman because the mailman is too busy being Algernon Breck.
Look at that POST-WAR JEEP go. Seizing and lurching at every corner, but brother, it’s still truckin’ on. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor however the creed went could possibly stay that guy from the swift completion of his appointed rounds. A wizened, world-weary, yet amiable type, you are quite sure of that. Too bad you didn't notice his arrival soon enough to meet him out here. You have no doubt he would’ve presented the SBURB BETA to you with all the ceremony of a knight presenting a sword.
Good man. You’d take your hat off in respect to his service, except you aren’t wearing a hat.
Maybe later you would take your hat off once you obtained a hat. But at that point it’d be less likely that you would be taking your hat off in respect to his service and more likely that you would be taking your hat off in memory of his passing. Because at that point he’d be dead, and the POST-WAR JEEP a flame-wracked chassis, never to deliver the mail again.
Wow this took a sudden turn for the upsetting.
We hastily add inter-continuity crossovers to the list of things we’ll pledge not to attempt in the future, for that way lies only pain. The thought of a mustachioed French detective and a mysterious Korean informant sharing a hopeless, final kiss as meteors bear down upon the bar where they sit is definitely almost too much for us to handle. And we haven’t even met the two sad little Russian children yet.
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:50:38 GMT -5
> Flynn: Inspect mailbox.
Oh, you know, just an ordinary MAILBOX.
Just a... just a completely ordinary MAILBOX over here. Aside from the modifications made by your SISTER of course. She's a dab hand at ARTS & CRAFTS, she is, although we will consider that more of a SKILL than an OBSESSION. She put this together a few years ago and you'll be damned if the weather's taken off a single chip of paint since.
Just a seriously totally ordinary MAILBOX sittin' on its post here and chillin' out. Taking in the scenery, you know. Checking out passing cars and like, pedestrians walking their dogs around the block and whatnot. You know. Chilling.
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:51:17 GMT -5
> Flynn: Take stock of today's swag.
Two SBURB BETA packets, one containing the CLIENT DISC and one containing the SERVER DISC. Also a copy of ACTORS & PROGRAMMERS MONTHLY, which you obviously only read for the theater articles. You're not even sure why they bundled two so radically different fields together into one publication like that. Although once in a while they throw in cool SYLLADEX tips and the like, so you're not complaining.
Still, no time to peruse it now. Not even any time to skim it. Which, as we all know, means the opposite of "peruse".
Lumping the SBURB BETA discs together as one item, you CAPTCHALOGUE the mail into what seem like two sensible slots given what's still open. You're sure that if we'd been asked to give the CAPTCHALOGUE commands ourselves in this case, we would have suggested similar slots, unless of course we just felt like being snarky dipshits.
Oh! In the most unfortunate and unintended segue ever, guess who's finally online!
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:51:39 GMT -5
> Flynn: Answer Bice.
delphicVoyager [DV] is online.
DV: Haha, are you always this articulate? DV: And for the record, Flynn, the IPA looks cool. FH: Oh FH: Oh hey! FH: Thank you! DV: You're quite welcome. DV: On the subject of this Sburb game, it looks like Uncle dropped the discs off in my room this morning. DV: Convenient. DV: Before anything else though, what else can you actually tell me about this crazy cooperative thing, as it were? DV: I tried looking into it earlier on but there wasn't a whole lot in the way of reviews, and anything on GameFAQs sounds a little... DV: Morbid, I suppose. FH: Well, like I said before -- wait, what did I say before? Oh okay yeah. It's one big loop. Everyone acts as both the client to another player's server, and the server to another player's client. FH: The client player I guess does all the fighting and adventuring and all the being a hero and stuff which is probably gonna be a piece of cake for SOME OF US, and their server player basically runs support? Building stuff and moving stuff around for the client, &c. FH: And just, you know, being really helpful I guess, and considerate, and totally h FH: /aɪ min/ FH: just kind of pulling the ropes offstage! FH: That's as much as I know. DV: Haha, are those implications I'm seeing, good chum? DV: At any rate, sounds like an interesting co-op, what with the actual altering of my surroundings I guess? DV: Do be gentle, I implore you. FH: What? No! Implications?? Come /ɔ:n/! FH: /pʃ/ FH: /pʃʃʃʃ/ FH: Anyway of course. I promise I'll be gentle with FH: Wait are you saying you're down?? DV: Yeah, I'm completely down with this. DV: It sounds fun, and I'm sure you'll be a great server. DV: I am trusting you with my liifffeeeeeeee. FH: What oh haha! Listen, nobody's lives are on the line here! FH: I'm sure the server player's duties are no big deal really. You'll be the one doing all the cool stuff and beating the game. I'll probably barely contribute anything at all. FH: Like, what am I going to do? Bring you coffee and a Danish? Hahahaha! FH: /ʌm/ FH: But yeah I've got the discs now too so -- I guess I'll just fire the server one up and start figuring stuff out, huh? DV: By all means, DV: I've got the client disc here, DV: Let's do this. FH: Okay! FH: Okay awesome! FH: Just give me like five minutes. I'll get things ready over here. FH: Talk to you soon, Bicé!
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:52:04 GMT -5
Hahahaha all right who is the /mæn/?? You did it! You're on board as her SERVER PLAYER! And you're pretty much going to be the best server player ever. Bicé's not gonna have to worry about a thing, not with you stage managing that show!! You can't wait until you get to start building stuff and moving stuff around and being kind and dutiful and totally poised and unflappable in your service like an English butler. Like Stephen Fry! Oh my god you will be the Jeeves to her Wooster
Except... what if you mess up somehow? What if your finger slips and you press the wrong key and you like, demolish her house or something?? Oh nooooooo this is terrifying! Even if you don't commit that atrocious a blunder, any little mistake along your path could lead to Bicé losing at Sburb. And where would the finger of accusation point?? Where indeed but upon your own BLUBBERING LIMP-LIMBED SELF!
You quail at the responsibility you have taken upon yourself. While you are doing so, some other guy pesters you.
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:52:18 GMT -5
> Flynn: Answer some other guy.
-- damnableNarcissist [DN] began pestering forteHolder [FH] --
DN: hey hey hey DN: what is up my aquamarine compadre DN: how you livin lil homie FH: Oh dude. FH: You're just in the nick of time. You have /seɪvd/ me. DN: oh yah? DN: how's that DN: lay your fears and troubles upon my feet FH: It's just... FH: Oh man I'm already starting to feel like a tool! FH: You're not just gonna laugh at me, are you? Promise?? It's kind of stupid. DN: i make no promises on that DN: whether i laugh or not is on you DN: you say something that amuses me and i'mma laugh DN: ain't gonna have no sway on what i say after though DN: hit me FH: That's... FH: Okay, I guess that's reassuring, somehow. FH: Yeah! Let's just get all the laughing out of the way up front. Do away with all the anxiety and suspense. I'll even lead us off! FH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! FH: Ha ha ha ha ha! FH: Ha ha ha! FH: There's this girl. FH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! DN: awwwww snap DN: lil ol flynn's got a crush on someone DN: my man DN: is she hot FH: Ha ha ha ha oh FH: Hey come on! That's a pretty superficial question to open with, isn't it? FH: Like, who cares?? Maybe she isn't hot at all. That doesn't matter, right? Maybe she's so ugly her old home videos taped THEMSELVES over with Sesame Street episodes! We don't know! FH: (/ɪksɛpt yɛə ʃi ɪz/) DN: oh it most definitely matters DN: we can't have you gallivantin around with some shovel-faced ho DN: crawled straight from the underbelly into your arms DN: i'm guessing those hieroglyphics at the end are telling me she's a looker DN: so that's good DN: i'm glad you've got your eye on something worth lookin at DN: so what's the problem FH: Man, I don't even know! FH: She's just so cagey &c., I can't read her at all. Like, how are you really supposed to know a girl likes you back? What are the signs?? I've /nɛvər/ figured out exactly how that works! It's always just been one shot in the dark after another. FH: Then I went and roped myself in as her server player and she was totally down, but what if she took that the wrong way? FH: Maybe she thinks it's like 'Oh hurrah we're best friends forever that's why he wants to be my server'! FH: 'Just Jim Dandy'!! DN: yeah that could be it DN: she could also be yearning to manhandle your man-handle DN: you've got to step your game up DN: make her want your hot fire DN: just be confident, mang FH: I know. But what if I start acting too confident and fuck everything up??? FH: If we lose the game, she's going to blame me! And I /noʊ/ I'll mess up somewhere. Especially if I let my ego get ahead of me, which it SOMETIMES DOES. DN: i guess you'll just have to be perfect 24/7 DN: three sixty five DN: national holidays excluded DN: you've got to let your ego do its thing DN: if it gets ahead of you then you need to catch up DN: cuz it's got the right fuckin idea DN: always forward DN: always strong DN: and we ain't losing the game DN: we got this shit on lock DN: or we will DN: as soon as i get my copy up and running FH: Do you have the discs yet? DN: they're somewhere DN: that much can be said for sure DN: i know i saw them earlier today DN: probably in the kitchen DN: i'll pick em up in a bit FH: Well, you do sound pretty sure about that... FH: I feel oddly compelled to trust you! FH: Maybe you're right! Maybe ego is the way to go. How else am I supposed to sound as authoritative as I'm gonna need to?? DN: damn right DN: you've got to be in tune with your star player DN: let everyone know who the true gangsta is DN: umi says shine your light on the world DN: shine your light for the world to see FH: SO TRUE! FH: The true-est! FH: That's the way to impress a girl. Just -- just shining light all /oʊvər/ the place like a god damned lighthouse on the cliffs. Oh man, Bice's gonna be so impressed next time I talk to her! FH: Who's going to screw everything up? Not this kid! DN: oh it's Bicé huh DN: a noble pursuit of a fine woman DN: yeah you've got your work cut out for you DN: no slacking allowed, homes DN: she's a killer FH: /oʊ fʌk/ FH: No, you know what, I meant to say that. I had no intention of withholding her name. Only the weak would make a secret of their hearts' stirrings! FH: At least, make a secret of that in conversation with other people who -- who aren't the object of affection in question, because it might -- it might certainly be too soon to open up to FH: I FH: God I'm totally overthinking this bravado thing now! Can't believe there were times when it seemed so easy. FH: This is hard work!! DN: life is hard DN: the trick is to make it look easy DN: just get your head right DN: stop thinking so much DN: let the mojo flow DN: it is the natural order of things FH: Will that make me cool enough for Bice? FH: What if the natural order of things is me being a total loser and not even worth the ground she walks on?? FH: She's REALLY COOL, is the problem. The coolest! DN: yeah you're right DN: she's pretty bitchin DN: too hot for the likes of you DN: what was i thinking trying to help you DN: you need to set your sights lower DN: a lot lower DN: subterranean level booty DN: i'll take care of Bicé while you go spelunking for your next girl DN: she'll be in good hands DN: i got this DN: you just watch out for bats FH: Hey, fuck you, Rohr. Step off! You wouldn't know how to treat a lady if she hit you upside your stupid hi-top with an instruction manual!! FH: ...is what I /wʊd/ say, if I didn't know reverse psychology when I saw it. FH: But on second thought, what are you telling me if not to stick up for myself? So I'll say it anyway: FH: Fuck you, Rohr! FH: And thanks a lot! FH: You are a TRUE FRIEND. I can always use more of those. DN: no sweat, brother DN: get in that ass FH: Uh... FH: Okay I don't know if I'm psyched enough up to be /ðæt/ forward, but... who cares! I still feel a hell of a lot better. FH: All right man, if there's nothing else, I better go load up the server disc. Time to get all the levels and lay waste to this piece of shit game! DN: that's the spirit DN: grab life by the hojos DN: do you, homie DN: i'mma do me DN: and grab this game DN: peace
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:52:40 GMT -5
And by "I better go", you actually meant "I better take a little rest, enjoy this super-comfy GRASS, and then go". Bicé can handle waiting a couple of minutes longer. She's a tough girl! And really cool, did you mention that? But guess what. You are also really cool. And really cool peeps don't go rushing all up off into each other's business like CHEETAHS and ANTELOPES. Really cool peeps take it easy. Being so really cool really strains the ol' muscles. Gotta catch a /breɪk/!
You guess pestering someone else while you're down here would still qualify as a relaxing activity, as long as they're reasonably intelligent and sensible folks who don't type in super gay periwinkle.
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:52:47 GMT -5
> Flynn: Pester Shiro.
Okay! He's back online too after being off for quite some time, so you guess he's probably been busy.
-- forteHolder [FH] began pestering wartimeStrategist [WS] --
FH: Hey hey! Just checking in. FH: How are things on the Pocky and hentai front? I mean, excuse me. The getting ahold of Sburb front. FH: Wow my keyboard is acting up! Jeez! Sorry. WS: I totally understand, Flynn. WS: After writing such trite garbage for the writing competition, it can be difficult to start writing things that matter. WS: That was a nice trolling attempt, however. WS: Anyway. WS: I have to admit, I'm a little curious as to how you're doing? WS: I mean the lightning and stuff here is pretty normal for me. FH: Oh hahahaha! That was good. Nice parry-riposte. FH: Look at us! Just two trolls duelling it out on the strip. FH: I can tell you don't mean that, so I will be man enough to admit that I didn't mean that stuff about the hentai either. FH: (I /dɪd/ mean the stuff about the Pocky though. That was heartfelt.) FH: But hold up! I asked first. And I'm boring, anyway. The boring-est. Did you get your hands on the game yet? WS: I did, in fact. WS: I've even gone so far as to reach what I can only guess is level 2. WS: It's remarkable! WS: Here, I'll send you a screenshot. WS: tinypic.com/r/24ay0pf/7 FH: Whoa whoa wait FH: /WʌT/?? FH: I asked if you'd gotten ahold of the game, I didn't think you'd already started playing it! FH: And you didn't even tell me?? WS: I was going to! WS: I've just been... WS: Busy. The second I got here I was attacked by these imps! WS: And I was also on this really weird gold place for a while, which I think is where I dream. WS: Sorry! FH: /gɒ:d/ I can't believe this! Here's one of my teammates running off and jumping right into the game before checking in with me. Hogging all the glory! Man! FH: I thought I was going to be the FH: Wait. FH: Never mind, I've got it. You're like... the vanguard! Blazing the trail ahead, scoping out the horizon with your hawk-like eyes, mapping it all with impeccable detail in your mind and relaying this vital information back to the rest of us as we prepare to advance. FH: Yeah, that's perfect! It wouldn't make any sense at all for me to start playing first. What was I /θɪŋkɪŋ/?? You're totally doing the right thing! FH: So, bold scout, what else do you have to report? What's the interface like? I can't tell from your screenshot. But the graphics look amazing! Watch my shitty computer end up choking on processing all that RAM or whatever, ha ha. WS: Flynn, I don't think you're getting this. WS: This isn't a game you play from your computer. WS: This is all real. These are real things. WS: I'm experiencing them in real life right now, and there's so much going on right now that I just don't understand yet! WS: But hey. WS: The hero isn't always the smartest of the bunch. WS: Even though I'd like to think I'm the smart one. FH: /waʊ/ FH: And Royce thought I was taking this game too seriously. FH: All right bucko, I'm going to keep an open mind here and that means I am not going to write your words off as gibbering retarded horseshit IF you can do one thing. FH: I'm going to ask you to swivel that laptop around and grab a screenshot of yourself. Striking a silly pose. This one, to be precise. FH: AND I WARN YOU, WHITEHEARST. FH: I have seen quite a few shops in my time. WS: i55.tinypic.com/28s22pt.png WS: Bam. FH: /WʌT ðə Fʌ:K/ FH: Where the hell are you? How did you get there?? What are you even doing??? WHAT'S YOUR DEAL! FH: Tell me /ɛvriθɪŋ/, outrider. Everything that's happened since you started playing the game! WS: If you insist. It's kind of a long story. WS: First of all, this game is crazy. WS: I'd like to explain it pretty simply here for a moment. WS: Imagine it's The Sims, only I would be your Sim if you were my server player. WS: Only you can't control me, but only my environment. WS: That's the basis of the game. FH: Yeah, I'd gathered that much. The server builds stuff and like, expands the client's house, right? FH: I mean their character's house! Obviously. WS: No, you're not getting it. WS: I'm not playing a character. WS: In this game, I AM the character. FH: It's you? WS: It's me. FH: That's FH: Okay, come on! How the fuck does that work?? WS: You asked me to tell you everything! I'm just giving you the full report. We can figure out what's going on here afterward. WS: Anyway, I had something a little more pressing on my mind. That's point number two. WS: There are meteors that are going to hit earth. FH: What?? How can you tell? WS: Because one of them almost wiped out my house. WS: And I wouldn't be surprised if another one's bearing down on you.[/font]
Post by Beelzebibble on Mar 11, 2011 19:53:26 GMT -5
FH: I don't see anything. FH: Maybe that was just you?? I don't know! FH: /ʃɪt/ dude, you're starting to scare me here, a little! WS: Then you need to start your game going. WS: Sburb is a program that can save us from these things, but not stop them. WS: Rather, it teleports us far outside of our normal realm of existence, and to somewhere completely different. WS: It puts us on a totally different world. WS: The world, I think you can see, is littered with lightningrods and thunderous lightning. FH: Yeah, definitely got the lightning thing. That is absolutely a thing that your screenshots conveyed. To me. Up there. FH: That place looks freaky as hell! FH: But kinda cool too. Pretty appropriate backdrop for an epic adventure! FH: How did you get there? What, did the game just transport you there right in the nick of time? WS: Oh no. WS: No, it was much worse than that. FH: /ʌ:/ WS: The game had led me up to making just one item for no money. WS: A white, shiny katana, and the meteor kept coming. WS: I was so scared. WS: I... WS: I guess for just a second... WS: I gave up completely. WS: I tried to end my life by plunging the katana into my chest. WS: I didn't want the game to end my life, so I tried to end it myself. WS: Before I could do anything, though, the katana vanished and I was teleported through to this place. WS: I don't really know how it worked. WS: But... WS: I've never been so terrified in my life. FH: Jesus CHRIST, Shiro. FH: Wait -- so you're fine then, right? You're not bleeding to death? You looked okay in the picture... WS: Yeah, the wound healed itself as soon as I arrived in this place. Or else maybe the katana never left a wound at all, I'm not totally sure. That's WS: Oh man, Bice's messaging me. WS: I have to go. WS: Talk to you later!