|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Mar 7, 2016 22:58:56 GMT -5
“Who it is?” A teenager called out, in response to a knock on the apartment door, as he pulled a nickel plated pistol from his waistband. “Room service!” A voice on the other side yelled out just before the door was suddenly kicked in, knocking the teenager to the floor. A dark complexioned man in a reddish-brown trench coat with a high collar walked in, kicking the pistol out of the kid’s hand before he could react. Another teenager rose from the couch across the room where they had been playing video games and drew a similar looking pistol and fired at the man. The bullet hit some kind of forcefield around the man which flashed orange as it bounced off and hit the wall. Two more shots suffered the same fate before the man grabbed the gun and twisted the teen’s fingers with it causing him to yell out before the man punched him out and he fell to the floor. He cast the gun aside as he looked and saw that the first kid had run off. No matter, he wasn’t who Derek had come here for. He then heard the window to the fire escape open suddenly in the next room. At this he rushed through the door and to the window to see his target fleeing down the fire escape. With a sigh he followed. Two shots rang out which deflected off the fire escape with a metallic clang. Derek rolled down a section of stairs to avoid and then lept over the railing and rolled when he hit the ground. He rose just in time to meet his target as he reached the ground. The man moved to aim his pistol at Derek, but he grabbed his wrist causing him to misfire before punching him in the face. The man placed a hand over his nose and cried out in pain. While he was distracted Derek deftly slipped the pistol out of his hand and then, holding it by the muzzle, clubbed the man over the head with it, dropping him to the ground. He walked slowly around the man as he lay crumpled on the ground, holding his head and groaning in pain. Derek flipped the gun and took hold of the grip, his gloves making sure he would leave no fingerprints. “The fuck are you man?” He wailed. “Who I am ain’t important.” Derek said, expressionless. “Who Brandy Cole could’ve been...now that’s important.” “The fuck are you talkin about man!?” Derek sighed angrily and kicked him in the ribs making him wail. He wasn’t certain what upset him more, the fact that this gang banger didn’t even know the name of the young girl that he’d killed or the fact that he was no closer to finding the truth about the sudden gang war that had gripped the Southside of Chicago in recent months. He crouched by the man’s head. “You remember the drive-by hit you took part in last week. Don’t bother denying it, I already know you were the shooter. A girl named Brandy Cole got caught up in that, ten years old, straight A student. She was all her mother had.” “I dunno nothin about that man. It was a hit on another gang, she shouldn’t a been there!” “Nah, you shouldn’t been there”, he said as he rose once more. “You won’t be there next time, or anywhere else ever again for that matter.” “What? No, please, no don’t man!” The man on the ground blubbered as Derek aimed his own gun at him. Derek frowned and a single shot to the head silenced him. He stared for a moment and then sighed and looked up at the night sky. He didn’t feel any remorse for this killing. He cast the gun onto the man’s chest casually and then wandered off, disappearing into the next alley. He often felt that those like the man he had just executed deserved far worse than death, but their death was the cleanest and most efficient way to make certain no more innocent lives came to an end because of their existence. Suddenly his phone buzzed. Recognizing the caller he answered. “Hey, you finish things up with Larry King yet?” The voice on other end asked. “Yeah, I just finished up. He’s just another body in an alley. Anyway, what’ve you got for me Eddie?” “A lead I think. You asked me to look into the original killings that sparked off this gang war, so I did. I think you might be onto something. The killings are all similar and all suspicious for certain, but I need more to go on.” “What’d you have in mind?” “Pretty much all of them took place in security camera blind spots, except for one. I wasn’t able to see the shooter’s face, but video does show a bystander seemingly taking pictures. I know, it’s grasping at straws, but if they got a shot of his face I can figure out who he is.” “Wouldn’t the cops have caught onto this?” The voice on the other end chuckled slightly. “You know how the cops are, they’ve got larger concerns than trying to solve the murders of six nobody gang bangers. They don’t even realize it could be the key to something a lot bigger.” “Short sighted and clueless as per frickin usual”, Derek huffed. “Anyway, the phone was confiscated as evidence by the police, but was never utilized. If you can get me that phone or at least turn it back on then I can extract any photo files from it and see what I can find. I’ll send the storage details to your phone, hopefully they’re accurate.” “Alright, I know someone that can help with that.” “Good, cause I think that’s about the only shot we’ve got left at solving this. Oh and you might want to find Izzy. I think he’s gotten himself into hot water again. I told him to call you, but he said you’ve already done enough for him.” “I’ll check it out, thanks Eddie.” After the call Derek pinged Izzy’s phone to get his location and then hopped on his motorcycle, which he’d parked two streets over, and slipped his helmet on before driving off. The Southside gang wars had started just months ago, sparked off by the shootings of six random gang members each belonging to one of the six major street gangs, their bodies each tagged with the mark of a random rival gang. Many innocent people had already been caught in the crossfire and regular shootouts with the police had heated up the historic tension that always existed between the police and the predominantly poor, black communities of the Southside. To make matters worse, various drug cartels were now poised to muscle in on the territories of the weakening street gangs. Derek had been suspicious of the initial hits from the start and was convinced that they were master minded by some other influence, potentially even one connected to one or more of the drug cartels. His phone buzzed again and he tapped the bluetooth connection on his helmet to answer the call. “Ono?” He asked. “Yeah, it’s me”, started a female voice with a distinctly Japanese accent. “I got the details you forwarded me, a police evidence warehouse. Should be interesting.” “Yeah, I could use your help if you aren’t too busy. You can get in and out quick, quiet and unseen. I can’t.” “No problem, where will you be?” “Northside. Friend of mine got himself into trouble again, gotta pull his ass outa the fire.” “Alright, be careful.” “Sure thing.” This was sparked off of a minor, incomplete writing that I did for a writing prompt I found online. Now it has developed into what I'm expecting to be a series of short stories built around a new main character that I'm developing for the ORP scene.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Mar 7, 2016 22:59:50 GMT -5
Derek reached the north side of the city in record time and followed the ping he’d put on Izzy’s phone to a pub in Irish Mob turf. He hadn’t been to this part of the city many times before. He’d spent of most of his time, since leaving the military, in Southside keeping tabs on the local street gangs, protecting citizens and bringing down corrupt cops. He parked his motorcycle out front and looked up and down the street before approaching the door. It was still dark so there weren’t many people about. The pub was seemingly deserted except for the bartender, he guessed because of the ‘private party’ they’d brought Izzy to, likely in the basement. The doors were unlocked despite the ‘closed’ sign being up. As he entered the the bartender watched him closely and he noticed there were two men dressed in black trench coats playing pool in the other room.
“We’re closed”, the bartender said in a clear Irish accent.
“I see that, which way’s the basement?” He asked in a sort of ‘I don’t care’ tone of voice.
The bartender set down the glass he’d been drying rather hard. “I said, we’re closed.”
“uh huh, I guess I’ll just show myself downstairs then”, he said as he started walking past the bar.
At that moment the two men that had been playing pool in the other room walked in and blocked his path. One of them , the smaller man, was armed with a pool stick while the other drew a pistol from within his coat.
Derek sighed, “look, I already knocked out one person tonight and shot another one dead. I got no qualms about crackin a few more heads if I have to.”
The two men glanced each other and then the one armed with the pool stick yelled and charged, swinging the stick at Derek’s head.
He grabbed the stick before it could hit him and kicked the man in the stomach hard enough that he lost his grip as he stumbled back with a grunt. Now in control of the stick Derek flipped it and slapped the pistol out of the other man’s hand before he could fire.
He held his knuckles and cursed in Gaelic as the smaller man charged at Derek again, moving to do a football style tackle.
Derek simply stepped out of the way and clubbed the man over the back of the head with the thick end of the pool stick before he crashed into a table and fell to the floor. Grabbing the stick with both hands he then struck the larger man hard in the gut with the narrow end of the stick causing him to keel over. He then cast the stick aside and grabbed the man’s head, pulling it down as he brought his knee up, kneeing him twice in the face before casting him to the floor. It was at this moment that the bartender pulled out a twelve gauge shotgun from behind the bar and aimed it at Derek.
“I don’t think you wanna do that”, Derek said, shaking his head casually.
“Fuck you!” He responded before pulling the trigger.
The buckshot struck the invisible forcefield Derek was able to erect around himself. It flashed orange and the buckshot reflected back at the bartender, filling him with holes and shattering several bottles of beer that lined the back of the bar. His body crumpled to the floor in a pool of Irish beer.
“Told ya”, he said with a nonchalant shrug. He picked up the pistol that he’d slapped out of the larger man’s hand earlier and glanced at him motionless on the floor. The smaller man was getting back up, holding the back of his head where he’d been struck. Derek watched him for a second before swiftly shooting him in the leg causing him to wail and fall to the floor again.
“Damn you!” He screamed and then proceeded to curse and swear in Gaelic.
“You just hang out while I deal with ya friends downstairs.” He was certain they would’ve heard the commotion upstairs and would likely be ready for him. It didn’t matter. He proceeded to the basement, stuffing the pistol he’d collected into a pocket on the inside of his coat.
When he reached the door he stepped to one side before testing to the doorknob to see if it was locked. It was and then a hail of gunfire from an SMG of some kind riddled the old wooden door, exactly why he’d decided to step to one side of the door. He quietly stepped to the other side so he’d be behind the door and figured if he waited quietly for a minute or two they would think they hit whoever was there and come out to check. In anticipation of this he drew a baton from his trench coat and snapped it out to length. After a minute he heard footsteps approach the other side of the door and a man opened it, stepping out at the ready. It was too late that he realized his mistake as Derek’s baton cracked over his head. Pistol fire from within whizzed through the open door. He guessed at least three shooters. He couldn’t just walk in with his forcefield up as he didn’t know where Izzy was in the room and had no control over how their bullets would reflect off of it. He always carried an assortment of lightweight equipment with him though and quickly reached into his coat and plucked a smoke grenade off of his belt. He pulled the pin with his teeth and tossed it through the open door.
“Shit!” One of the men exclaimed, likely thinking it was a real grenade.
Within a few seconds it popped loudly and the small basement filled with smoke. Everyone inside began coughing loudly and scrambled for the door. Derek caught the first one with his foot and tripped him, making him faceplant on the hard, wooden floor. He then struck the arm of the next man out the door with his baton, causing him to drop his gun and then swiftly kicked him in the side so he fell against the wall. With the third man out the door Derek kicked the door shut and struck him upside the back of the head with the baton before he realized what was happening. The man he’d tripped was in the process of getting to his feet as the one against the wall came at him and took a swing.
Derek’s punishment was swift and brutal. He blocked the attempted punch and then struck his baton across the man’s arm hard eliciting a loud scream and then Derek kicked him back against the wall while he held his arm and struck him across the side of the head with the baton, dropping him to the floor.
It was now that the other man was back on his feet and aimed his pistol.
Derek spun around with a swift kick, knocking the gun from his hand which he followed up with a swing of his baton aimed at the man’s head.
He managed to catch Derek’s arm and Derek tried to punch him with the other hand.
The man managed to catch that arm to and so Derek head butted him in the face.
He stumbled back with a bloodied nose and Derek followed up with another swing of his baton, again aimed at the man’s head.
He dodged to the side and gave Derek a swift punch to the kidney before moving back in front of him and giving him two swift punches to the gut.
Derek didn’t easily get the wind knocked out of him, but this guy had tough punches. He didn’t have time to prolong the fight any longer as someone had likely already called for reinforcements. He chucked the baton at the man surprising him as he raised his arms to shield himself. This gave Derek enough time to charge his powers enough for his next move. His dark irises glowed orange for a brief moment and he then thrust his hands forward. A sudden flash of orange light sent the man sprawling backwards onto the basement stairs, seemingly knocked out cold. At that he retrieved his baton and deposited it back inside his coat before proceeding into the basement room to get Izzy. Inside it was dark with a single light hanging over the center of the room illuminating the green carpet. There was a chair overturned beneath the light and a poker table that had obviously been moved to the side to make room for said chair.
“Izzy?”
“Derek, that you?” An awkward, Irish sounding voice said from the shadows.
“Yeah, come on, we gotta get outa here.”
“Alright.” A gangly looking youth in a baseball jersey and khaki shorts stepped forward, bruising on his face.
“Looks like they worked you over pretty good, got here as soon as I could.”
“It’s nothin I ain’t used to.”
Suddenly a shot rang out and Derek was struck in the shoulder. He grunted in pain and shoved Izzy to the side and out of the line of fire as he turned and drew the pistol he’d collected earlier. Another shot rang out, but reflected off of his forcefield this time and hit the wall. He fired three times, dropping the man he’d previously laid out on the stairs.
“Come on Izzy, time to go!”
The two of them quickly fled up the stairs, Derek depositing the gun upon the chest of its owner, still lying unconscious on the floor. The man he’d shot in the leg was now passed out leaving no resistance to them proceeding out the door. Derek hopped on his motorcycle and slipped his helmet on, Izzy getting on behind him and wrapping his arms around his body.
“I ain’t got a second helmet so you better hold on tight.”
Not waiting for a response Derek sped off, not wanting to wait around for either the cops or any reinforcements that may or may not have been called. He knew he’d been shot, but his adrenaline was still flowing and he didn’t feel it yet.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Mar 12, 2016 18:39:38 GMT -5
“Man, I can’t believe you got shot because of my gambling debts. I’m gonna owe you big time now.”
Izzy was pacing back and forth across the room, his hands shoved in his pockets, a certain frantic demeanor in his step. His footfalls on the concrete floor echoed throughout the vast space, a bare bones floor near the top of an abandoned office building at the edge of the city. The floor of the top level above was unfinished as was the roof of the building, but there was enough floor in place on the level above to provide cover from the elements.
“Gambling debts? Seriously? You’re like sixteen, why are you gambling?” Derek asked in a sort of big brother tone of voice, followed up by a noticeable flinch as Ono was attempting to remove the bullet from the back of his shoulder.
“Thought I could win enough to get away from my parents. Doesn’t really matter now though, the guy you had to kill at that pub tonight was who I owed to.” The gangly youth sighed and sat down on an old, wooden crate next to a support beam.
“Ahh!” Derek gritted his teeth.
“Got it.” Ono said as she stepped to one side and dropped the bullet into a metal pan on the table next to where Derek was sitting. She was a slender framed young women from Japan with short black hair in a sort of boyish style. She and Derek had crossed paths almost a year before while tracking the movements of the same mercenary group. Even after knowing her for so long, however, Derek still knew very little about her. She was often quiet and spoke little of her past other than the fact that she was on a quest to restore honor to her family. Derek wasn’t entirely certain what that meant, but they had come to trust one another and she had expressed before that she saw honor in his actions. They had been aiding each other ever since.
Derek stood now and rolled his head, seeming to focus, his eyes shut. A deep orange glow began to emanate from beneath his dark skin all over his body and his nervous system seemed to become the focus, glowing visibly within his body. The glow then began to ripple across his body through his muscles, converging on the bleeding hole in the back of his shoulder. He opened his eyes, his irises glowing the same deep orange, but they didn’t seem to be focused on anything in particular. His muscles became the source of the glow as the ripples converged on the injury faster and it began to close up and heal on its own. After a minute or two the glow transitioned to his skin as the wound finished closing and then in a few seconds the glow dissipated except for his irises. He blinked and his eyes were normal again and he looked around as if just coming out of a trance and rolled his shoulders. Ono wiped away the blood left over from where the wound had been and then Derek pulled on a clean shirt.
“Thanks Ono.”
“No problem, told you to be careful.” Her voice was soft and soothing, yet also concerned and slightly nagging at the same time.
“Yeah, I know. I got sloppy, won’t happen again.”
“So what are you gonna do with me man?” Izzy asked, a nervousness filling his voice.
“I’m, not gonna do anything with you. You’re gonna lay low here for awhile and when the time comes I’m gonna be callin in the favor.”
Izzy sighed a bit, “alright.”
He was a good kid, but he was prone to getting into trouble with the wrong people. While it was unlikely that Derek would actually expect him to do anything significant or dangerous, getting him to stick around seemed to be the only way to keep him out of trouble.
Derek’s phone buzzed and he answered it quickly without looking at it, already knowing who it likely was. “What’s the word Eddie?”
“Well the good news is I found a face shot photo of your shooter in that phone. Same guy took out all six of those initial gang members and he’s definitely not gang affiliated. Looks like you were right.”
“And the bad news?” Derek asked tentatively.
“The guy’s a goddamn ghost. I’ll keep trying to track him down, see what else he’s been up to. Give me time.”
“Gotcha.”
“New development?” Ono asked as Derek was ending the call.
“Apparently I was right. An outside influence started the gang wars intentionally. Problem now is the shooter is a ghost. Eddie’s havin trouble trackin him down.”
“Ah, bummer, no?”
“Yeah, I hate playin the waiting game.”
“Sense you not busy, you might want to see this.”
“Alright, whatcha got?” Derek asked as he walked over to where Ono was sitting with her laptop. It wasn’t often that she shared things with him unless she needed help, which was rare, but he wasn’t going to complain, he hated sitting around anyway.
She turned her laptop around so that he could see the screen. There was video rolling, that appeared to be from a security camera, showing military outfitted mercenaries guarding trucks pulling into an underground parking structure, likely someplace downtown. After the last of the trucks pulled out of view a few of the mercs gathered together in front of a hulking man who appeared to be dispensing orders. He was outfitted in an armored vest and urban camo gear. He pressed his fingers to an ear piece as if he was receiving a report on something and he turned more towards the camera as he was listening. Ono paused the video footage as the man’s robotic right arm came into view as well as his face, though the image was very grainy. Derek frowned a bit at the image as they both stared silently for several seconds.
“That’s the same guy that was running the merc outfit the two of us were tracking when we met.” Derek finally said.
Ono nodded, “and now he’s here in Chicago.”
Derek rolled his head, seeming troubled. He began to smack his fist into his hand, wondering what the mercs were doing in his home town now. Could they somehow be connected to the gang war? He didn’t know, but he needed to find out.
“You know, you never did tell me why you were tracking these mercs, you know, when we first met and all.”
Ono smiled slightly, “I know, you never told me why you were following them either.”
Derek sighed, “alright, if I tell you my deal then you gotta tell me yours. Deal?”
She seemed to ponder that proposal momentarily, cocking her head to one side before she finally agreed and they shook hands on it. It seemed strange to Derek that this was the first time that they had agreed to share a part of their stories with each other after working together for nearly a year. Derek thought over his time in the military and began to pace slightly. It still troubled him deeply, but not as deeply as the incident that made him decide to get out.
“Well, you know I was in the military, think I told you that.” A nod from Ono confirmed that he had and so he continued.
“This was almost two years ago now. My platoon was running ground operations in Afghanistan near a city called Mazari Sharif, up in the north. Near the end of our tour villagers from some of the more remote villages in the area started disappearing. Reports were that they were being taken hostage, but the intel was sketchy at best. Everyone pretty much assumed it was the Taliban taking people hostage to either use as human shields in an attack or to make examples out of. We were pretty close to stopping them a couple of times, but they were always gone by the time we got there. After a few weeks of near misses we got a tip from some locals that some of the hostages were being held in an abandoned compound a few clicks to the north of our search perimeter. Couple of drone fly overs confirmed that the compound was inhabited so we checked it out. Seemed like a routine operation, recon confirmed only a few hostiles guarding the place and then we moved in. Man, I don’t know who screwed up, but...”
He seemed angry now as he sat down across from Ono, wringing his hands together. “We didn’t even reach the damn building before we got hit from every direction. It was like we just walked right into a setup. My entire platoon died that night, all except for me. Surprising thing was, the bastards that hit us, they weren’t even fuckin Taliban. They were professional mercs armed to the teeth and we just got slaughtered. Somehow, I survived as the only witness to the whole thing and somehow no one was able to confirm any of it. It was almost like the military just...covered it up or maybe they didn’t even know what the hell actually happened. By the time reinforcements got there the mercs and anything or anyone that might have confirmed their presence other than me had disappeared like smoke. My testimony was just written off as that of a traumatized soldier and they just blamed the whole thing on the Taliban. After that I just couldn’t go back, washed my hands of the military and started lookin for answers on my own.”
“What about the hostages, were any of them ever found?” Ono asked gently.
“That’s the wierd part. No more vanished after that, but the ones that had been taken never turned up again. Disappeared like smoke just like everything else.”
At that Ono seemed to go into deep thought about something, the expression on her face seeming to indicate that his story sounded somewhat familiar. It had been a long time since she’d thought about her days before shame and dishonor had been cast upon her family, but Derek’s story and the sudden reappearance of the mysterious merc outfit they’d both encountered brought many of those memories back.
“I told you that I am on a quest to restore honor to my family, but I told you nothing of my life before that. When I lived in Tokyo I led life much as you. Vigilante of the night, ordinary life by day. I had many friends amongst the poor and the homeless whom I would protect and bring food to. One night I noticed that some of them were no longer around and so I began to investigate. Some said that they had been taken, but they did not know by who. The police were clueless or in some cases didn’t care so finding them was up to me. Eventually I stumbled across some of them being taken away by the same mercs that I was tracking when we met. I managed to stop them, but I never found those that had already been taken away.”
There was a mutual silence between the two of them now. Both of them had encountered the same merc group under very similar circumstances in the past and had tracked them and met each other. Now they were both in Chicago on unrelated quests and the same mercs were now here. Although it was unsaid, they both felt that it was an odd coincidence, if infact it even was.
“Well then”, Derek started as he rose to his feet, Ono’s eyes meeting his with a look of curiosity. “I guess we have two questions to answer. Are they planning to do the same thing here? And who’s paying them?”
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Mar 24, 2016 10:22:28 GMT -5
“Empty, completely empty”, Derek grumbled as he looked around the barren subfloor of the downtown parking structure. It had been too close to morning the night before to check out without risking detection in the early morning daylight. He and Ono had even arrived just before dark just incase the mercs had planned to move out just after nightfall. An entire day of normal life with no sleep had been endured, for zero answers. For Derek that meant burning away the daylight hours for minimum wage working as a cashier in a convenient store. Five years in the marines, defending his country and the only job he could land in his hometown was working in a convenient store. When he’d left, things were plenty bad all around, but while he was away things had obviously gotten much worse and now the gang wars were sucking away what little life remained in the south of the city. He was beginning to wonder why he was still here and why he’d even come back in the first place. He had no family left to speak of. As an only child raised by a single mother everything he had ever done was to make her proud, even after she had passed away. Maybe the time had come to define himself for himself and no one else, but how? What was his purpose in life now? What did he want? “You gonna answer that?” Ono finally said, snapping him out of his deep thoughts. Derek blinked and realized his phone had been vibrating and he quickly answered it. “Hey, it’s Eddie. I’ve got good news and bad news.” “I’m dying for some good news right about now”, Derek sighed heavily. “Alright, well the good news is I have a solid lead for you.” “The shooter that started the gang wars?” “Some freelancer, Russian. He’s not important, he left the country almost a week ago, so he’s gone.” “I thought this was supposed to be the good news?” Derek grumbled as he paced back and forth. Eddie sighed heavily over the phone. “It’s kind of all mish mashed together, look. The point is, I figured out that the reason I was having so much trouble tracking down his movements while he was in town is because there was a hacker in the system covering his tracks. Now, the guy doesn’t realize it yet, but I managed to pinpoint his location, but he’s likely to figure that out pretty soon. Once he goes offline I won’t be able to track him.” “Whoever hired the Russian merc likely also hired this hacker to cover the guy’s tracks. Where is this hacker?” Derek asked as he hurried back to the stairwell that led to the surface, Ono close behind. “I’ll text you the address.” “Got it”, Derek said, looking at his phone. “Stay on the line, I’ve got somethin else I need you to look into.” He quickly exited the stairwell into an alley and hopped onto his motorcycle and slipped his phone back into his black coat before pulling his helmet on and tapping the bluetooth connection to his phone. “You still with me Eddie?” He asked before speeding off, Ono following on her own motorcycle. “Yeah i’m here, what’ve you got for me?” “The parking structure that we just left. I need you to find out everything you can about it.” “Am I looking for something in particular or…” “I think somethin from my past may’ve come up again. I just need to know if it’s registered to the city or a company or a person, just whatever.” “Sounds simple enough, yeah, i’ll look into it.” “Thanks, i’ll let you know when we find this hacker. Maybe, just maybe we might get some answers now.” “We can only hope. Good luck.” Eddie concluded before the call ended. The address of where the hacker was set up was a hotel on the shore of the lake not far from the Navy Pier. Derek figured that this hacker had likely set himself up in the hotel rather than whoever hired him. Whoever it was had been far too careful thus far to make such a mistake, but Derek figured that if applied just enough pressure to this hacker he’d likely give up whoever was paying him. Unless, of course, it turned out to be one of those situations where the hacker was hired and payed anonymously and had no actual clue who he was working for. Derek hoped that wasn’t the case because that would leave them right back at square one in this investigation with nothing more to go on. Feeling meh right now, but I wanted to post something.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Apr 12, 2016 16:05:10 GMT -5
The elevator dinged as the doors slid open and Derek exited onto the sixth floor of the hotel. Ono was hanging out in the lobby just incase the guy managed to slip away from him and make it to the ground floor. He proceeded down the hallway as he searched for room 610 as Eddie had managed to narrow the hacker’s location down to the specific room in the building. As Derek approached the first bend in the hallway he heard a door just around the corner open and then close. As he rounded the corner he saw the backside of a dark haired man in a black leather coat walking in the opposite direction from room 610. Just then the man glanced over his shoulder and his eyes met with Derek’s. There was three second pause before the man bolted down the hallway at full speed. “Stop!” Derek yelled as he charged after the man. At the other end of the hallway was the door to one of the building’s stairwells and the man reached it and pushed through, fleeing down the stairs. Derek followed quickly, but by the time he entered the stairwell the man was already at the bottom of the first flight. He quickly jumped on the handrail and slid down as the man started down the next flight. Suddenly the man pulled a pistol as Derek was nearly caught up with him and started firing behind himself. The first shot hit the concrete wall, the second bounced off of Derek’s force field with a red flash and a third ricocheted off the handrail and hit the wall. At about this time Derek was sliding down the handrail right behind the man as he reached the next landing. Catching up, Derek kicked him in the back causing him to run into the wall. He pulled out his baton and snapped it to length as he landed and the man turned quickly to aim the pistol at him. Derek cracked his baton across the man’s wrist causing him to drop the gun and eliciting an echoing scream as he grabbed his wrist in pain. “Who are you working for?” Derek asked calmly as he grabbed the collar of the man’s leather jacket and pushed him against the wall. “I’m not telling you shit!” The man screamed just before spitting in Derek’s face. He blinked a bit as he continued to hold the man against the wall and wiped the spit from his face using the back of his other gloved hand. One would’ve expected him to seem angry, but his face remained calm. Just then he headbutted the man right in the nose eliciting another yell as the man covered his face with his hand. He spat blood onto the floor as it ran onto his lips from his nose. “You broke my fucking nose man!” “I’m gonna break a hell of a lot more than that if you don’t tell me who you’re working for.” Derek responded calmly. “Shit, I dunno man! The whole job was anonymous and they direct deposited all the money to my account in the Caymans.” The man spilled as he turned towards the wall holding his nose, his other hand sliding into his coat. “Get that hand where I can see it.” Derek spat as he grabbed for the arm. The man pulled out a switchblade and wheeled around taking a slash at Derek and then another as he backed away from him. “All anonymous huh?” Derek asked. “Not sure if I believe you now he said as he moved towards him. The man lunged and thrust the blade at Derek’s gut and Derek side stepped and grabbed his arm. He then cracked his baton across the man’s arm twice eliciting more pained screams and then swung his baton down and hit the man twice on the inside of his left leg causing him to crumple as he dropped the knife. Somehow worming his arm out of Derek’s grip the man turned to flee, but his left leg gave out and sank to the floor and went tumbling down the next flight of stairs. Once he reached the next landing he laid still, his head having hit the edges of multiple steps. “Shit”, Derek exclaimed quietly as he started down, driving his baton against the concrete wall to close it up once more. He deposited the baton back inside his dark trench coat as he reached the man’s body. He slipped off a glove and checked for a pulse, not using his fingertips to avoid leaving any prints. “Damn”, he exclaimed before slipping his glove back on. He then took out his phone and snapped a picture of the man’s face which he then sent to Eddie. After glancing around and seeing no security cameras he quickly proceeded down the stairwell to the ground floor, exiting into the lobby just as his phone started to buzz. As he answered the call he motioned to Ono that they needed to leave quickly and she nodded and proceeded to the front doors. “This our hacker?” Eddie asked over the phone. “Yeah, that’s him. Said he was hired anonymously, but then he tried to cut me so I dunno if I believe him.” “Alright, I’ll identify him and then dig into his life and see what I can find.” “He did say something about having a bank account in the Caymans and that he’d been paid through direct deposit.” “And then he tried to cut you.” Eddie included with a chuckle. “Yeah, funny”, Derek said before ending the call as he exited the hotel through the front doors. Moments later Derek and Ono sped off on their motorcycles, not wanting to be around when the cops eventually showed up after being called about a dead body in the stairwell. I feel like I haven't written for a lot longer than a week. Thought I'd use this quick scene to get back in the groove as I plan ahead.
|
|
|
Post by Beelzebibble on Apr 18, 2016 7:53:12 GMT -5
“Hey, you finish things up with Larry King yet?” The voice on other end asked. “Yeah, I just finished up. He’s just another body in an alley. I'm pretty sure he's already been dead for years, so no worries. Anyway, it's an exciting action piece so far, but maybe treading too close to darkness-induced audience apathy territory. Of course, Derek's a serious, driven, and ruthless dude, but I'm hoping we get a beat where he reacts to something in some way other than going all Christian Bale Batman growl, because so far he's hurting for sympathy. (A vengeance-inspiring backstory that piles on more violence and darkness doesn't help much.) Frankly, I want to see more of Izzy, he gives the impression of actually being in over his head, which is almost automatically more endearing. We did get that nice moment of introspection where Derek questions his own purpose in life. Maybe it would be good to see that uncertainty color his interactions with someone else? Anyway, I definitely want to see where this goes, plotwise - I'm just holding out for Derek's big break, characterwise.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Apr 18, 2016 14:53:54 GMT -5
Haha, I guess I should apologize to any Larry King fans on here, I really wasn't thinking of him when I used the name. Also, thanks for the feedback on this, it's helpful. I honestly didn't think anyone really noticed this topic all that much anyway other than Lee, so this is cool.
As to the flavor of the setting I honestly feel like I've been using this plot to work some of the doom and gloom of my real life out of my system. There's a lot of pretty heavy, depressing family stuff going on in my life lately and it weighs on me and I have to vent it somehow and I think that may be where this very dark plot came from. I'd love to say that it will get less dark, but given what the plot was birthed from I doubt it, though I may try to work in some less-dark moments, I hope. Also glad you like Izzy, hoping to have him pop up some more. Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on May 30, 2016 1:25:09 GMT -5
“More deaths in the streets of Chicago today after a massive shootout between the Southside gangs and local police. According to sources at least six officers were severely injured in the shootout and around twenty gang members were killed. Several bystanders were also caught in the crossfire and reports say at least three are in critical condition.
In other news-”
Derek muted the TV. “Things are getting worse out there”, he said to himself with a heavy sigh. It had been several days since his encounter with the hacker covering the tracks of the man who started the gang wars. He had heard nothing from Eddie other than the fact that the sublevel of the parking garage involved in his other case was registered to the city, yielding no real answers. Even though Eddie was still hard at work on both cases Derek couldn’t help, but feel as if he was being consistently blocked by some higher power. Perhaps this was not the path he was meant to be on, but what other did he have available to him? Was he to simply forget that there were deaths left unjustified? Was he to turn away from the wrongs that he felt the need to right?
“Hey uh, Derek?” A nervous voice asked softly from behind him.
He turned to see Izzy standing behind him and rubbing his arm nervously, averting his eyes as Derek looked at him.
“Yeah?” Derek asked.
“Uh...I was just wondering um, h...how long you wanted me to, you know, stick around?” A nervous smile presented itself on his face, which faded quickly when Derek remained expressionless.
“Didn’t realize you were in such a hurry to get back to your parents. A few days ago you were literally gambling at an Irish Mafia pub to try and get enough money to get away from them. You should think about how that turned out if you’ve got another scheme in mind.”
“Yeah...I guess that’s a good point”, Izzy admitted, rubbing the back of his head with a sigh.
There was an awkward silence for several minutes before Derek suddenly asked a surprising question.
“Have you ever given much thought to what you want out of life?” Derek himself had not expected to ask this question, but recently he had found himself trying to figure out his purpose in life and what he actually wanted out of it. Was he condemned to continue this path of darkness and violence in search of answers that he may never find? What exactly made him seek out these answers so fervently?
“I just wanna be my own man, not what my parents expect me to be.”
Derek’s entire train of thought vanished at that. This sixteen year old kid just wanted to be his own man. Derek himself had wanted that once as well, it was why he’d joined the marines. It seemed so long ago. Where had he lost site of the course he had set himself on? He looked around the dark, bare concrete floor of the unfinished office building that had been his hideout for the past year and suddenly realized how depressing it was. Izzy had been cooped up here for the better part of a week and Derek himself had spent the last few days here and prowling the streets looking for innocents that needed help.
“How about we get outa here tonight.” Derek suddenly suggested.
“Uh...we?” Izzy asked, a bit surprised. “I dunno how much help i’ll be taking out criminals man”, he said nervously, wringing his hands together.
“No, no. I mean we get outa here and go do something normal, just be normal people.” Derek insisted.
Izzy blinked, “like...what?”
Derek pulled out his smartphone, “I have an app that lists things going on in the city.”
“So...it’s like a date?” Izzy asked, half puzzled, half uncertain.
“Why would you put it like that man?” Derek asked as he dropped his hands to his sides and projected a face that said ‘come on man, seriously?’. “Now the whole thing just sounds...weird.”
“Uh...it kinda is weird dude. You suddenly wanna just go out and act like a normal person and with me of all people.”
“Are we friends or not?” Derek asked.
“Well yeah, but you’ve never wanted to like...hang out before.”
“Yeah well, maybe I just just decided I need a change. People have the right to decide they need a change in their lives.”
“Alright, alright. You’re right”, Izzy insisted.
“We’ll hit a few clubs, meet a few girls. It’ll be fun.” Derek said as he continued to fiddle with his smartphone app.
Izzy cleared his throat and raised his hand slightly, “um...yeah, sixteen years old over here. So.”
“Right, uh...how about...here, there’s a rock concert downtown. We can go listen to the Melancholy Monkeys play, maybe grab some hot dogs.”
Izzy chuckled. “Do you even listen to current music? I wouldn’t be caught dead at a Melancholy Monkey’s concert. I do have a reputation to uphold with the rest of my generation.”
Derek sighed heavily. “If you’ve got any bright ideas i’m all ears kid cause the only other two things I could find were a poetry reading and a special night exhibit at the Natural History Museum.”
Izzy just shook his head, “I know this place on the Northside that I can get us into.”
“Ok, great. Why are you shakin your head then?”
“Cause I can’t decide if this is funny or sad”, Izzy said, motioning his hands to Derek. “You really need to get out more and I don’t mean double tapping gang bangers and clocking burglars’ heads together.”
“I need a social life.” Derek stated, nodding his head slightly.
“Exactly”, Izzy exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air and letting them slap against his sides. How can you fight for what matters in this screwed up world if you don’t have anything in your life that matters to you?”
That sentiment right there was unexpected coming from Izzy, not because he was Izzy, but because he was only sixteen. Derek had to ask himself how a sixteen year old kid could be so wise while he who had seen so much and done so much just seemed...stuck.
“Fair point”, Derek said as he slipped his smartphone into his pocket and grabbed his keys off the table in front of the TV. “We’ll take the van.”
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Sept 17, 2016 14:21:43 GMT -5
OOC: Finally started getting some fresh ideas that have made me start thinking of rebooting this. I still kind of feel like I want to get some distance from what's already here though so I may jump ahead in time a bit. Still, I know a couple people wanted to see where this would go plot wise and it looks as if they might get it.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Sept 19, 2016 19:21:53 GMT -5
Official start of Chapter 2. Starting off a bit lighter, more normal and relatable here (I hope). This starts off about two months later, Derek has a new facet to his life now. Lets see where it leads. Derek awoke to the sound of his phone vibrating on the desk next to his bed. The red digital display of the clock next to it read ‘2:41 AM’. He wasn’t feeling too sharp as he had been out late the previous night and only just gone to bed a couple of hours ago. He answered the call despite it not being a recognized caller. “Derek, it’s Eddie.” Derek was silent for a moment as that registered in his mind. “Eddie? Where the hell have you been man? It’s been like two months. I thought you abandoned me.” “No, I’ve just been confirming a lot of information. We need to meet.” “Meet? Like in person?” “Yes.” Derek was surprised at that development. Eddie had always emphasized being an invisible figure that few people knew or were familiar with. Now he wanted to meet? In person? Derek could only assume that he had stumbled onto something very big connected to one of his pursuits and simply feeding him information from the shadows would no longer suffice. “Alright”, Derek said. “Where did you have in mind?” “Meet me at that parking structure that you had me look into, noon.” “I’ll be there.” “Don’t be late.” When the call ended Derek slipped his phone back onto the desk. He wasn’t quite certain what to expect, but he got the sense that Eddie was taking a chance by meeting him in person. They had only been working together for a few months and though they had taken to cracking jokes at each other once in awhile, Derek really knew nothing about him. He recalled when Eddie had first contacted him out of the blue and offered his help in tracking down the hitman that had sparked off the Southside gang wars. Derek had been suspicious, at first, that some mysterious figure was willing to provide him information and technical assistance for free, but had played along. Eddie’s information had always panned out which was the reason Derek had started trusting him. He couldn’t sleep now, there were too many questions racing through his mind. Everything that he’d given up hope on the last two months was suddenly rushing back. The rest of the hideout was quiet, empty. Izzy had left not long after their hangout at a Northside club he’d gotten them into for a night. Apparently the bouncer had owed Izzy a favor. He decided it was best he went home after he found out the police were looking into his disappearance and he didn’t want to risk bringing any heat down on Derek. Ono had found a lead on her own personal quest several weeks later and vanished, leaving it uncertain when she would be back. Derek was alone again and he didn’t like it. His only real human connection the last month had been a series of casual dates and a couple of booty calls with a redhead he’d met at that Northside club that Izzy got him into. He didn’t really see it as any sort of serious relationship, but it was better than nothing and they liked each other’s company well enough whenever they weren’t busy. Plus it had been a good while since Derek had gotten laid consistently. He picked up his phone again and dialed her. The phone rang for a few minutes before he heard that distinct click that indicated the person on the other end had answered the call. “Hello?” He guessed she hadn’t bothered to see who was calling before she answered. “Hey Ashlyn, it’s Derek. I didn’t wake you did I?” “Nah, you know I’m a night owl. I just got out of the shower actually. What’s up?” “Mind if I come over?” “I did give you a key, remember?” “Yeah, but it’s late and I just wanted to make sure.” “You’re welcome here anytime unless I give you a heads up otherwise. Alright?” Derek nodded a bit. “Alright.” With that Derek got dressed and headed downstairs. He had gotten a new, black trench coat since his reddish-brown one had gotten a bullet hole put in the back of it. He knew Ashlyn would let him stay the night at her place and it was a hell of a lot closer to where he’d have to meet with Eddie later in the day. He took his motorcycle and parked it in the back lot of her apartment complex. There were usually fewer vehicles parked there and his vigilante lifestyle had made him feel safer going out the back of any place rather than the front. He’d found that the fronts of most buildings in the city were more likely to have witnesses, security cameras or cops depending on the day. When he arrived at her door he used the key she had given him a few days ago and entered. It wasn’t a large apartment, but it was certainly nicer than his hideout. She always kept her place clean and it always smelled nice. There was a primary living space with an attached kitchen space and the secondary room was her bedroom with an attached bathroom. “I’m here”, he said as he shut the door and locked it. “Bedroom.” Derek smiled a bit as he hung his coat by the door and kicked off his shoes. He found her laying on her stomach facing the foot of the bed, working on her laptop. She was completely unclothed besides the towel she was wrapped in and she smiled at him invitingly as he walked in. She had the cute face look that society usually associated with a ‘good girl’, blue eyes, and red hair that reached her shoulders. She had a body type at the skinny end of the fully figured spectrum as well. It was a combination that Derek had always found very attractive. He often felt that people who contradicted society’s attempts to label people based on superficial attributes were more human than most and she was a perfect example. He had also found her to be very open minded, and she was very intelligent and level headed. He sat down on the bed next to her. “What are you workin on?” “Work emails, I’ll be done before long.” “No need to rush on my account. I just...didn’t feel like being alone tonight.” Ashlyn glanced over her shoulder at him with a smile. She was glad that her giving him a key had, at the very least, sent the message that she enjoyed his company and made him feel welcome. She was hoping it had sent more of a message than that, but she wasn’t yet certain. Things had started out casual and then advanced physically quite fast, but there hadn’t been much emotion attached to it. Over the last two months she kind of felt like they had at least become friends, although it was a friendship with certain benefits. They had shared some things about their families and Derek had told her about is time in the military and why he got out. Now, however, she was beginning to feel more attached to him though she hadn’t spelled it out to him. She knew it would come up eventually, she just hoped that he would grow to feel the same way.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Sept 21, 2016 22:57:47 GMT -5
Despite not getting much sleep Derek awoke around ten the next morning when the alarm on his phone started ringing. He and Ashlyn had engaged in a pretty intense romp between the sheets and then cuddled and watched a movie. It was the wee hours of the morning before they actually went to sleep. Eddie had told him not to be late to their meet and he intended to show up a bit early just to survey the area a bit first as he didn’t like surprises. He sat up and killed the alarm, and then started getting dressed.
He heard Ashlyn moan groggily behind him. “Where are you going?”
“Supposed to be meeting somebody at noon.”
“Another girl?” She asked jokingly.
Derek laughed slightly. “No, an associate of mine.”
He felt her sit up behind him and she gently draped her arms around his neck, her ample bosom pressing against his back. “You know you don’t have to hide things from me, right?”
Derek frowned slightly, not knowing what she meant. “Hide things? What are you talkin about?”
“About what you do every night. Why you’re constantly on the streets.”
Derek suddenly became suspicious. What did she know about him? Why did she care? He sat up suddenly, leaving her kneeling on the bed, and turned around with a suspicious look twisted across his face. “What are you drivin at? You keepin tabs on me or somethin?”
Ashlyn was surprised at first. She hadn’t expected him to take her concern under suspicion. “No, I just...I kind of figured it out after awhile. We spend enough time together, it wasn’t hard to spot the patterns.”
“Girl, what in the hell are you talkin about!?”
“The night you rescued me at the club when we first met! The way you took down that guy that tried to drug me. And then we started hanging out all the time and I just...noticed things.” She sighed. “The late hours you’re always out and telling me you had to take care of some business or meet up with someone all mysterious like. The way something in the news about dead or beat up criminals always seems to correspond with you ‘taking care of business’.”
Derek was silent. Was he really that predictable? He wasn’t certain how to feel about the fact that she’d figured all of this out. He had known from the start that there was a risk to letting someone get close, but finding someone to be with, temporarily or not, was something that Izzy had made him realize he needed, maybe even wanted. He sighed and rubbed his head. “Ok, so I’m the vigilante guy that’s out there tryin to clean up the streets. I admit it. Only question is, what do you plan to do with that information?”
Ashlyn was silent for a moment and then shook her head slightly. “Nothing, Derek. Look, I know I told you that I wasn’t looking for anything permanent when we started seeing each other, but...I guess I kind of thought the fact that I gave you a key to my place a few days ago would’ve been an indication that I’d kind of changed my mind.” She had known this would come up eventually, but not so soon. She didn’t want this revelation to scare him off, but she couldn’t very well expect his feelings to change just because hers had.
Derek looked at the clock, he still had time, but he hadn’t been expecting the relationship talk that he’d suddenly found himself in. He chewed his bottom lip in deep thought and then he looked at Ashlyn seriously. “I don’t...I don’t know what to say at the moment. It’s been awhile since I’ve really had a good idea who I am and what I want, so I just...don’t know at the moment.”
Ashlyn nodded slightly. “That’s perfectly ok, I understand that. I just needed you to know where my feelings stand right now. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressing you into anything.”
It seemed to Derek that he had quite a lot to think about lately. The various aspects of his life were beginning to cram together. His past and correcting injustices were aspects that he already felt he couldn’t just walk away from. They were dangerous, however, and he knew that if he stayed with anyone long term then his life would not be the only one he was constantly putting at risk. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that responsibility. He also wasn’t sure if he wanted to push her away. There was, however, still the one major thing he was certain she didn’t know about him. The fact that he was a Power. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“It’s alright. I understand why you got suspicious. I didn’t exactly bring any of this up well.” She slipped off the bed and went to him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. “When do you think I’ll see you again?”
Derek couldn’t meet her gaze. “I don’t know. I need time to think.”
“Alright.” She kissed him on the cheek and then ran her pale hands down his dark, sculpted chest as she stepped back. “Be careful out there, alright?”
He nodded and then resumed getting dressed. He tried not to rush as he didn’t want her to feel like he was trying to run away from the situation. He didn’t intend to run away from it nor did he want to. He just needed to get his head straight. After leaving Ashlyn’s apartment he grabbed something to eat on the way to meet Eddie. He had actually arrived earlier than planned, but he didn’t mind. He used the time to think, and to eat his burrito. His mind was buzzing and his thoughts jumped back and forth between Ashlyn and what reason Eddie had to meet him in the flesh. Who exactly was Eddie? He already had a good idea that he was some type of hacker, but hackers these days could look like anyone. He wasn’t certain what to expect. Ashlyn, on the other hand, he thought he knew well enough, but she had caught him off guard today. She had seemed concerned about him, but how could he be certain it was genuine? He had little in his past to gauge it against. Had he made a mistake admitting who he was even though it seemed she already knew? Trust wasn’t exactly something that came naturally to him. He didn’t want to think that she might be playing him, but the thought had certainly crossed his mind.
Around fifteen or so minutes before the scheduled meet time a black, newer model commuter van pulled into the parking structure and stopped a row over from where Derek sat on his bike. The driver was a generic looking white guy with a military style haircut. Derek was fairly certain that wasn’t Eddie, but likely some kind of hired escort. When the driver stepped out Derek took note of his stance and mannerisms. Having been a soldier once himself he easily recognized the same level of discipline in other people. The much more obvious giveaways were the camo body armor he wore over his clothes and the military issue pistol on his hip. The man sized Derek up as he stepped off of his bike and Derek did the same to him. The man then walked to the side of the van and pulled the sliding door to the back and nodded for Derek to step in. Derek looked around cautiously before approaching the vehicle. There were no other vehicles around and the closest exit to the street was obscured by a wall. If something went down the chances of their being any bystanders to witness it were fairly low.
As Derek stepped into the rear of the van he noticed that the interior had been refitted similar to a party bus. There was a long seat along either side wall past the sliding doors and a connecting seat along the back. The floor still consisted of the same generic tan carpeting that most similar vans contained and there were no other amenities consistent with an actual party bus. Essentially it was a mobile meeting space and nothing more.
In the side seat that faced where Derek had entered there was a slick looking asian man in a black satin shirt, black slacks and particularly shiny, black dress shoes. Derek found it immediately odd that the man was wearing shades in an enclosed area. Maybe he had light sensitivity issues? He also had a top of the line laptop resting in his lap, which suggested that he was in fact Eddie. His attire, however, just didn’t register with Derek. He looked more like an expensive accountant working for the Triads than a hacker who aided vigilantes. In the rear seat along the back was a woman. She wore dark blue jeans and stylish black boots, but not the girly heel type. She wore a fairly stylish black leather coat over a generic white t shirt, all fairly common dress, but she somehow didn’t strike him as a run of the mill, generic white person like the driver slash hired gun. Her hair was dark and shiny, flowing down past her shoulders and the stylish application of black eyeliner made her eyes smolder. She seemed calm enough with her head propped on her hand, but there was something fiery about the vibe she was giving off. The way she had her legs crossed and sultry smile on her face didn’t help much. Something about this combination of people seemed very off to Derek. At this point he half expected the woman to be the hacker who’d been helping him and she simply used the name Eddie to throw people off.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Oct 5, 2016 19:06:27 GMT -5
After a few minutes of Derek standing in the doorway the woman at the back of the van seemed to give an impatient sigh and leaned back, spreading her arms across the back of the seat. “Do you plan on sitting down at some point or are you just gonna stand there all day?” Her voice had a sort of raspy undertone and Derek was certain he detected a subtle British accent there as well. He moved slowly and sat down across from the asian man, who now had an amused look on his face.
“That’s Elmira”, he nodded his head in the direction of the woman. “Don’t mind her, she just doesn’t like downtime.”
“I loathe it”, she chided.
Derek was still a bit confused, but he was certain the asian man had to be Eddie. “So...you’re Eddie?”
The man smiled slightly. “Not what you expected?”
“Not...exactly, no.” Derek’s eyes were squinted slightly as he kept checking on the status of the woman at the back out of his peripheral vision and peering over his shoulder at the driver standing outside.
Eddie chuckled a bit. “But that’s a good thing, yes?”
“How so?” Derek asked.
“If you always get what you expect in life, it gets boring. Does it not?”
Derek wasn’t sure how to make eye contact with the man. Maybe that was the point of the shades? It made people uncertain where to look to make eye contact and most people found that off-putting. He imagined it certainly gave Eddie an advantage in any type of negotiations. The sentiment that he had just offered was not something Derek had thought of before, or at least not recently. The vigilante lifestyle had given him a dislike of unknowns and he often preferred knowing what to expect from a situation before hand. He wondered if this concept could be another piece of the puzzle of why his life felt so empty. It wasn’t necessarily that he was bored with his life, but more so that he had come to fear the unexpected. Afterall, one wrong move could easily make him a wanted man and he feared being locked up far more than he feared death.
“I guess that’s a nice sentiment, but it ain’t exactly one that someone like me has the luxury to adopt”, he finally concluded.
“Maybe not, but it couldn’t hurt you to at least think about it, yes?”
Derek nodded. “Sure, I’ll think about it, but I doubt that’s the reason you wanted to meet.”
“The kid’s right Eddie. We should move this along”, the driver finally spoke. “You always make a big deal about not wantin to be out in the open and then you get all philosophical and drag things out.”
Eddie chuckled again. “I almost forgot, that’s Hank. He’s my overprotective mother hen.” Hank simply crossed his arms, his face displaying slight annoyance.
Derek glanced over his shoulder again at Hank. “Don’t call me kid.”
“Sorry sport, nothing personal. If you’re younger than me by more than a couple of years you get called kid.”
Derek continued to look at him, expressionless. “Don’t call me sport either.”
Hank's arms remained crossed. “D-man? Dawg? Dude? We ain’t on a first name basis yet so I gotta call you somethin.”
Derek shook his head with a questioning look. “You know you can get in trouble on these streets, some white guy callin a black guy he don’t know D-man, dawg or some other crazy shit like that. How about you call me Sargent. That was my rank when I got outa the service.”
Hank began to nod. “Thought you were military. Alright Sarge, I gotcha.”
Elmira, for the first time, gave an amused expression in response to the exchange between Hank and Derek and Eddie appeared rather amused as well. Granted there didn’t seem to be much that didn’t amuse Eddie thus far. There was an odd dynamic here that Derek wasn’t getting, but he figured that if the three of them were all on a first name basis with each other then they must work together often. Whatever the relationship was, it seemed friendly at least.
Eddie reached down into his laptop case, resting against the side of his seat, and pulled out a small, flat case, and tossed it to Derek. “Open that later, you’ll need it.” His fingers rapidly clacked away on his keyboard for a few quick seconds before he looked back up at Derek. “Got any plans tonight?”
“No”, he simply stated as he slipped the flat case into one the many pockets inside his coat.
“Good, because we’re going hunting and I think you’ll want in. You know the new Ion Solutions office tower they built downtown?”
“Never really paid it a direct visit, but yeah.”
“There’s a parking structure across the street from its main entrance. Top floor, at midnight.”
“Let me guess. Don’t be late?”
Eddie chuckled. “You got it.”
After the meet Derek went back to his hideout at the edge of town to prep. He was hoping to get some more sleep before tonight, but there were countless unknowns involved in this situation and his mind was buzzing. He hadn’t worked with a team since his days in the military and that team had all been slaughtered right in front of him. Ashlyn was the closest he’d let anyone get since. Was he even ready to work with a team again? He wasn’t certain. Could he even trust them? It even dawned on him that Eddie was unlikely to even physically be there tonight given the fact that coming out into the open seemed to be a risk for him. That meant he would likely only be working with Hank and Elmira, both of whom were complete unknowns to him, not to mention the complete lack of information regarding what they were actually going to be doing tonight. He needed to clear his head, he needed to focus. He spent the better part of the afternoon with a punching bag, letting out his frustrations. It was a good way to vent for him and he was drenched from head to toe by the time he finally felt spent. A quick shower and a few hours of shut eye were about all he could manage afterwards.
His phone alarm woke him around ten and he got up feeling refreshed. He had always found it a good practice to get up at least two hours before he needed to be somewhere. It gave him enough time to fix a quick meal and get ready. He decided to gear up the same as he typically did for a night out pummeling criminals, which he was confident was all Eddie was expecting. He also made certain to grab the flat case Eddie had given him. He hadn’t opened it, but he figured he didn’t need to until he arrived anyway. With that he hurried off. He liked being places early so he could survey for potential surprises. He also wondered what the deal was with Eddie and meeting at parking structures at the hour of twelve. Only twice in a row so far, but maybe it was a pattern.
Derek arrived nearly thirty minutes early. The Ion Solutions building was in the financial district and the streets were practically deserted by this hour. He identified the parking structure and took to the side streets on his motorcycle and surveyed several streets out from it. There were no residences in the area, which was a good thing, but there were a couple of old warehouses. They seemed secure enough and he didn’t see any suspicious vehicles, nor did he find any people slinking about. There was even a distinct lack of homeless people in the area, but he didn’t find that particularly unusual for this part of town. Everything else was nondescript office buildings which he guessed were likely deserted by now besides night janitors and such. He guessed some buildings might’ve had an overnight security guard at the front desk, but knowing their type he wasn’t concerned. He proceeded slowly up to the top floor of the parking structure, which he found to be completely deserted. He thought about checking out the stairwell, but he wasn’t that paranoid. He parked at the edge of the upper deck facing the Ion Solutions building which towered over the district. He wasn’t certain, but he figured it to be the tallest building in the city now. He noticed lights in a few windows near the top of the building and then the first floor. Were they planning to go inside for some reason? Why was Eddie certain that he would want in on this? He had no choice other than to trust that his questions would all be answered in due time.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Oct 8, 2016 20:20:51 GMT -5
While I generally like where things are going, I cannot abide the trope of "damsel once distressed now entirely too understanding of darker tendencies slash bordering on adoration." It's really easy to accidentally do because mainstream media does these type of "love" interests all the time, so it's easy forget that this is not how real people act. Just always remember: your female characters exist to do more than fawn over the male characters and enable their internal conflicts!
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Oct 9, 2016 15:27:14 GMT -5
Judge too quickly much, chapter ain't even over yet. Geez. You may also be forgetting Derek's concern that Ashlyn could be playing him. Even if she is it may not come out this chapter, but hey. Just try to sit back, relax and wait to see what comes of it all. Don't be so quick to blurt out judgement before all is even said and done.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Oct 9, 2016 19:55:54 GMT -5
It's the PoV switches into Ashlyn's head that are causing me to jump to conclusions. I would buy it more if this was all just Derek pontificating, but then there are paragraphs like:
She is fawning IMO and not hinting at anything more nefarious. I'm not saying that she should be hinting (if she actually is plotting) when we PoV switch; I'm actually just questioning why we PoV switched at all. Third person omni is really friggin tough to pull off, and I've only seen it work in very specific styles where withholding information is not key. If I had to ascribe a genre, I would say you're writing a noir, so holes in information are very important! IMO third person omni only works in things like fairy tales, framing device asides, or if you're really fancy, Dune, where Herbert manages to keep tension high because he's spelling out every possible conclusion rather than hiding them.
Anyway, sorry if this critique all sounds harsh. Not trying to harsh your buzz for the sake of harshing your buzz. Like I said, I like where this is going. I just think it could go from "good" to "really good" or even "great" with some adjustments. And take this all with a grain of salt. I am by no means an expert, just someone on the internet with opinions.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Oct 10, 2016 18:32:21 GMT -5
I don't have much experience with romantic relationships, so that probably isn't helping. Whatever though. This story really isn't even serious writing for me anymore, it's kind of just something I'm doing on the side. All of my serious writing is going into Aeon stuff that hasn't been posted on the site (though critiques like this honestly make me wonder if I even want to post it). You also offer no real suggestions of how to make it better, so I really can't even consider this constructive criticism. Just sounds like a lot of hate to me. Plus the topic is all cluttered and shit now. Maybe I should lay in a note that says "if you haven't got anything at least constructive to say, then don't say anything at all," I dunno. All I get is comments about why it's bad and how the style of my writing is misplaced and hard to pull off.
Your apology is noted, but feels hollow given the fact that you afterward label the writing as just 'good,' but offer no examples or shout outs as to what is 'good' about it, and then go on to say it could be better. This despite also claiming not be an expert. Maybe try being a little less discouraging with you 'opinions' in the future. Just saying. Whatever.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Oct 10, 2016 21:14:50 GMT -5
Throwing stuff into a spoiler tag to reduce clutter Ok so I'm honest to god, hands to the heavens, stick a pencil in my eye, not trying to be hateful for no reason. I truly do want this to get better. I didn't do any shout outs earlier as I wanted to keep the critiques short and to the point--my modus operandi on critiques is if I don't mention it, it's doing well, so me just pointing out the relationship stuff implies that everything else was good or better. TBH, the only reason I marked passages as "good" or similar one word comments for the in-depth critiques is because I do the critiques in a google doc and don't want to switch tabs for context when I read the next passage. On the flip side, I'm not going to sugar coat that if I am not mentioning things, it also means I did not notice it. Again, this is not bad: the picture in my brain is more important than the words on the page. If you get your point across, then things are swell. Other thing I want to get out of the way: I like the mantra in critiquing of "be descriptive, not prescriptive." What this means is that when I critique, I want to point out what bothers me and throw out possible ideas of why it's bothering me, but I don't want to say how to fix it. If I do that, I run the risk of writing your story for you via inception. I'm definitely guilty of being unduly prescriptive when it comes to various nitty gritty details, but that's mostly because I'm a butt. So for specific shout outs, the dialogue is so crazily more polished and generally better. They sound like conversations between different people. Didn't notice this before, but now that I'm in-depth reading, I love the fact that Eddie ends most of his sentences with a yes/no type clause, while you have Derek being short and to the point. Really helps me subconsciously separate the two out. Another thing I think you've been maintaining pretty well is the mood. The grimdark from before has been replaced with what I can only really describe as a somber, cloudy day that isn't cold. It's quite nice. Like, you know that scene in Casino Royale where Bond and Vesper ride into the sunset.... and then keep riding... and eventually it goes from "oh man how happy they must be" to "this is going on pretty long :/" to "oh god something is going to happen soon isn't it." I'm into it. Plot wise, I like crime dramas. So that's also going well. So now specifically for what I was talking about wrt to the negatives. If it makes you feel better, what I'm saying about Ashlynn is the exact same criticism I have for the universally acclaimed series Narcos: it feels like the lady character exists solely to provide motivation and/or conflict for the dude character. Take a look at Narcos: Tata Escobar, while being written and acted as a silently strong woman, only really has one goal, and that is to please Pablo. She has no aspirations beyond that, and from what I could tell, no life beyond that. She doesn't even really directly conflict with Pablo in any major way. She basically exists to give Pablo conflict: choosing between her and his safety, having to bend over backwards to protect her, etc. Now, you're totally right in that I shouldn't be jumping to the conclusion that this is the same deal, but let's get into the PoV thing that made me think that. You switch into Ashlynn's head and she's singularly focused on Derek. That makes sense since they're in the same room, but we're only in her head just so she can think about him, then we're back in Derek's. It's one thing for her to act like and talk like she's only about Derek; it's a completely different story for her to think like she's all about Derek as well. The former leaves room for ambiguity because it's all colored by the another's limited perception of them. The latter removes all doubt because why would the thinking character lie in their own mind? Unless she's an unreliable narrator, but we've only been in her head for one paragraph without establishing her baseline for realness or motive to lie to the reader or etc. So as I alluded to in the previous post: this all could have been avoided by just not switching into Ashlynn's head in the first place. This is why I said third person omnipotent is hard: there are all sorts of tricksy mind games to pay attention to when there's just one character, don't make it harder by adding more brains to the mix, and it also shines light in more corners that you might not necessarily want light. Done incorrectly, it undermines tension. I said it only really works, IMO, in things like fairy tales, where you're spelling out the bad guy's motives to raise tension (think back to "dramatic irony" in your Shakespeare classes). Same idea in the Dune dinner scene where every player at the table is thinking of how to fuck over everyone else at the table. However, those two stories are very different than from what you're trying to write (or at least what I think you're trying to write). You've got elements of noir and mystery going on; you do not want that light shown everywhere. Derek is having an adventure into the unknown. It should be him that's uncovering things in the unknown. So for the prescription since you asked for it: stay in Derek's head. Any time you are thinking of hopping into another character's head, don't, because that removes all possibility of falsehood (again, unless you establish their status as unreliable narrator, which you probably don't want to do since you'd have to change the entire tone of the story for that). Have Derek observe something about their body language, or have them say something, or whatever. Even if someone tells him something that is a fact, it's Derek that is choosing to believe it, not the other character. In conclusion: if I actually hated you/this, I wouldn't be reading it and commenting. I have better things to do with my time than spend it looking at things I don't like. Also, this and this are me being mean.
|
|
|
Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Dec 6, 2016 20:35:18 GMT -5
Felt like writing for this again. Plus it seems to help to write for different things rather than focus on one topic forever. A few minutes before midnight a black SUV entered the parking structure and proceeded to the top floor, parking a few spaces away from where Derek was waiting. Hank stepped out from the driver side wearing dark, urban camo and body armor, and Elmira exited the passenger side dressed in a long, black trench coat. “Glad to see you made it Sarge.” “You gonna tell me what we’re doin here?” Derek asked as he approached. Hank smirked slightly. “All will be revealed in due time. You bring that case Eddie gave you?” “Yeah.” “Open it.” Derek removed the dark case from an inside pocket of his coat and opened it. Inside he found a small ear bud typically used for discreet communications. He slipped it into place in his right ear and slid the case back into his coat. “Alright Eddie, everyone is synced.” “Yes, good,” Eddie’s voice came through clear. “You’ve got about six minutes to set up.” “Copy that,” Hank responded as he hurried to the back of the SUV, Elmira opening the cargo hatch as he arrived. “Set up for what?” Hank quickly removed a modified army sniper rifle from the cargo space. “An assasination?” Derek tried to guess, tossing his hands up slightly. “No, we’re playing tag,” Hank replied, as he loaded a tracker round into the chamber and closed the bolt as he moved to the edge of the roof. “You’re gonna love who we’re tracking tonight, trust me.” Trust didn’t come easily to Derek these days, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to just play along for now. If things somehow went sideways, he was good at slipping away. He didn’t know these people, and whatever games they were playing weren’t worth him getting caught. Hank knelt into a firing stance, aiming at the front doors of the Ion Solution’s building. “Three minutes,” Eddie’s voice said in everyone’s ears. Hank adjusted the setting on his scope a bit. By the time he was set, a convoy of vehicles pulled up along the side of the empty street in front of the building. Four urban camo hummers and a black SUV in the middle of them. For a moment, Derek had the idea that these were the same mercs he was looking for, but what were they doing here? He got his answer when the hulking man with the robotic arm emerged from the second of the two lead vehicles and proceeded towards the front of the building. As he did, a middle aged man smoking a cigar emerged from the building along with two black suited men that Derek figured were bodyguards. He heard clicking sounds like a camera shutter and glanced over to see Elmira snapping shots of the four men with a long range, tactical camera. “That’s Ivan Gorsky,” Elmira’s raspy voice began. “Looks like you were right Eddie.” Derek quickly got the feeling there was a lot going on here that he didn’t know. He was getting the sense that Eddie and the others had been tracking either this guy or the same mercs he was after, maybe both. “Ok, who’s Ivan Gorsky, and what do you know about these mercs?” “Ivan Gorsky is the COO of Ion Solutions,” Elmira explained. “And he seems to pop up wherever these mercs do. I guess Chicago is his new backyard.” “Pretty sure Ion Solutions is a shell corp at this point,” Eddie said, matter of factly. “It isn’t on its own though. Ivan Gorsky has been involved with a number of different shell corporations over the years, all of which are owned by other shell corps, which are owned by other shell corps. Yes, there has to be something, or someone, at the center of all this.” “What about the mercs?” Derek asked bluntly. “International group, call themselves Division 31. They do a lot of shady work for a lot of shady people. The guy down there with the robotic arm seems to be their primary leader. Jurgen Drexler. Interestingly enough, he didn’t even exist until about ten years ago and neither did Division 31.” “Their moving towards the vehicles,” Hank announced. “I’m takin the shot.” There was a pause and he gently squeezed the trigger, the rifle giving off a quiet pop as the tracker round went sailing. It pierced metal and latched onto the black SUV inside the rear tire well. A minute or so later Ivan Gorsky climbed into the back seat along with one of his bodyguards, the second one walking around and getting in the front passenger side. Jurgen Drexler returned to his own vehicle and then the small convoy began to roll out. “Tracker in place, convoy on the move,” Hank concluded. “Signal coming in clear,” Eddie responded. “Let’s see where they go, yes.” Derek was invested now. The mercs he’d been trying to locate were in play. He didn’t know what this was about, but for now it looked like he would have to be a team player. He still didn’t trust them, but it seemed they at least had a mutual goal in common. Finding the truth.
|
|