Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 6, 2010 2:56:20 GMT -5
Lo all. I feel a need to post a discussion topic to tag team the topic which reintroduces Prime. Mainly, however, because I do indeed have a story in line. Which is up at this moment, does feel a bit awkward, but I wasn't exactly thinking about that when I agreed to let Elliot throw my character through a portal. In any event, I have a definite line and direction on where I want to go with Prime as a character. Its time to start working some personality into him, and putting combat closer to the backburner. Anyone who has an outright interest in magic would be well suited to the topic, though I want to keep the general power level low. However I've decided to lift my origional restrictions, and work creatively to allow any character into the environment in a workable manner. That is my hope at least. The title is foreshadowing, but no, Prime is not going to literally be a king. The idea is to make him part of something greater than himself however, and introduce a few new people to RP. As well as a location that I intend to artistically render at some point, so as to give people an idea of what I'm talking about. Idea's and contributions are welcome, if you have good idea's I'd be more than happy to work them into the story. If you want certain things to occur with your characters I don't have any issues presenting the situations that are nessisary. I'd like everyone involved to have some good clean fun, but first I'd like someone to be involved obviously. A few things are involved, technology and magic should be appearing at odds regularly through the topic, with some planned shamanism to make things a little more fun. Honestly I'd like to keep the emphasis more off combat than on, so assume all opponents to be trained in the arts, but not quite as good as your characters. Or to be more clear, kill or disable quickly unless I've written it up as a major challenge. If you want to make a fight more personal, and in a few instances it may be nessisary, please describe your opponent as more than solder X butt to be kicked. Give them a name and a face and, if you let them live, a personality to be brought with them later. Uuuuh, yeah. Discuss? Throw any idea's you have my way, and I'll see what I can do with them.
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Post by Loogs on Sept 6, 2010 3:36:55 GMT -5
Good luck competing with Househeld.
I'll see if I can maybe get Ivan and Dimitri into this, just because I'm tired of always using Hector, but I'm going to warnyou right now: I have a college application due November 15 and I may have to drop everything to tend to that. It's not because you smell or anything, it's just that college is kind of superduper important and takes the very top of my priority list if if needs to.
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 6, 2010 4:02:03 GMT -5
am i allowed to do crtitique in this discussion
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Post by Loogs on Sept 6, 2010 4:05:04 GMT -5
Is it gonna be like one of your play-by-plays?
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 6, 2010 4:30:26 GMT -5
No it will just be general critique on the opening post. Unless someone requests a play by play in my thread
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Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 6, 2010 4:39:59 GMT -5
You're free to rip me a new one if you want choobeh, though I'd prefer it be a little kinder than your play by plays. I know that its an awkward post and I need to get my eye back in, but if I wanted it to be absolutely perfect I would've spent at least 2 days editing and refleshing it and bringing it to its head. Its only like half of what I actually wanted to post up tbh. x.x
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 6, 2010 5:56:50 GMT -5
it's mostly just technical stuff.
You really need to get your apostrophe use straightened out. Apostrophe for contractions and possessives, never, EVER for plurals. For example, you keep saying "eye's" and then I immediately want to know "the eye's what" and then I remember it's probably a typo, and suddenly I'm no longer in the story but reading the story. It's a really obvious grammatical mistake and it's really jarring.
Also need to work on those line breaks. I really don't know how to explain it technically since I line break on instinct nowadays, so I guess that doesn't make me the best judge of it, either, but still. You have too many one sentence paragraphs, which really break the flow of the story. I guess that's what I'm getting at: flow, which is again, one of those weird ch00bs buzzwords that don't actually mean anything. But basically, when there's a one sentence paragraph, it has impact relative to the others. If every paragraph has only one sentence, then they are read all with the same force.
This really makes no sense.
Anyway— wait, see what I did just now? I was rambling on and on and suddenly, bam, linebreak, punch line in this stream of conscious pops up, as well as indicating a sudden transition of thought.
So another thing that is fairly jarring is redundancy. In the second paragraph you used the word "azure" at least 3 times in 4 sentences. That sounds really awkward.
Speaking of awkward, that complete rando discussion between the hikers was completely unneeded and only served to say that Prime was hot? Blatant violation of show don't tell, as well as a completely unneeded perspective change that doesn't provide anything new to the table.
As a come back post, and especially as a topic opener, you really should've done the whole work-on-it-for-days thing. I'm the only one who claims to pull out decent posts in 15 minutes, but that's because I secretly compose them in my head for at least a day.
I have more to say, but I have to get back to class.
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Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 6, 2010 6:15:25 GMT -5
I'm not going to argue with you, it could've been done better. Much better. However my investigation of the sites current status doesn't leave a lot of room for hope at the moment. You all seem to be quite obsessed with larger projects.
But yeah, I do see the holes in my writing style that you've pointed out. I'm going to take some time to correct them. As for the hikers, well, that was more for me than for anyone else. I'll keep my reasons personal, but Serena and Paul may be recurring characters in the future, that offer some commentary on Prime's actions and his internal thought process.
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 6, 2010 9:31:15 GMT -5
That's silly. You shouldn't have external characters comment on another's thought process.
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Post by The Evil Biscuit on Sept 6, 2010 9:48:54 GMT -5
Man choobs why you gotta hate all the time? This is a legit story. There's action, intrigue, a fucking volcano, gratuitous nudity - what more do you need?
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 6, 2010 10:51:49 GMT -5
Another thing about spending time on the OP is that if the topic is written expertly and engagingly, regardless of what other people have to do, they'll make a note to join it eventually, if not immediately.
Also also, I do nothing but hate. I am like the only form of not-nice criticism. It makes me a high priority.
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Post by Kuroboom on Sept 6, 2010 18:13:55 GMT -5
I might pop in there with a character I had intended for one of your other projects. We'll see.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Sept 6, 2010 18:15:24 GMT -5
The best in my characters have are Felix and Samm just observing him, from a distance. Doesn't exactly lend itself to a cohesive plot.
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Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 6, 2010 18:19:02 GMT -5
Actually thats perfect, that neatly ties in with something I have in mind.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Sept 6, 2010 18:27:53 GMT -5
Oh really?
I can work some plot bullshit explaining why both are necessary and why they have to keep a distance too.
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Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 6, 2010 18:41:22 GMT -5
It'd be appericiated, the organization they are a part of could play more than a cursory role in this topic as well if you're interested.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Sept 6, 2010 19:07:01 GMT -5
Organization stuff is top secret, apart from to Lee, you and ch00bs so hush hush
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Post by Tout-Perd on Sept 7, 2010 1:34:49 GMT -5
Skimmed it. Seemed interesting, it's been a while since there's been a real plot in the Americas that stuck. (Shattered and Emet have been, but they didn't really play with the whole "Government" deal.)
Not sure how I'd fit in, but I'll think a bit on it.
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Prime
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Agent of Truth
Posts: 399
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Post by Prime on Sept 7, 2010 6:12:01 GMT -5
You are, as always, a generous king among men Lee. But given your other commitments, I think perhaps you should hold off on joining Azure. I don't think you need any more on your plate, given everything that's going on, and I don't think dividing your attention is going to make me any friends.
(Course if you're load is lighter than my assessment, its no big deal, and it is in the end your choice of course.)
And yes, I do want to work the political views about people like Ender, Zebedee and Valon into my works. We assume non-interference far to much, governments wouldn't mutely accept us or our judgements, they'd seek to control or eliminate us, diplomatically or not.
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Post by Kuroboom on Sept 7, 2010 8:17:56 GMT -5
I'm the only one who claims to pull out decent posts in 15 minutes, but that's because I secretly compose them in my head for at least a day. :D I make all my posts on the spot.
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 7, 2010 8:45:18 GMT -5
Ender maintained a teleport-the-fuck-away policy when he was finished cleaning up shit. Witnesses were computer and mind wiped. It was a pretty good policy.
Man, there are so many organizations that are trying to get back at those damn Powers nowadays. I should bring Genlab back into the mix just to oh wait I already am. Ha! I have more organizations than everyone else in this witch hunt.
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Post by Kuroboom on Sept 7, 2010 11:38:21 GMT -5
I'd like to think that the governments would be wise enough to leave them be. Sure there are some weaker powers, but persecuting them all might incur the wrath of the ones that can level a country.
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Prime
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Post by Prime on Sept 7, 2010 17:06:41 GMT -5
I don't see a lot to stop these governments from manufacturing someone or something to fight those beings that can level a country. What would Ender be to all of us now, if he'd never rejected Genlabs control?
A rather persistent problem....that could level a country.
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 8, 2010 7:51:07 GMT -5
he'd be a dead problem due to old age.
:up:
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Prime
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Agent of Truth
Posts: 399
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Post by Prime on Sept 8, 2010 15:10:35 GMT -5
With how many brothers mimicking his success?
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Post by ch00beh on Sept 8, 2010 16:05:27 GMT -5
Uhhhhhhhh let's see. Genlab's first batch had two other psychics, one of which was killed by Ender within seconds so well assume that asshole couldn't hold a candle to the big boy.
The second psychic is straight up telepathic with no like energy blasts and y'all will get to meet her soon.
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