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Post by Bub@ on Feb 4, 2009 4:35:36 GMT -5
Figured I might as well get some opinions out of you guys regarding this whole thing I'm going through. For the record, I'm 22, turning 23 by the end of July.
So, a month or so ago, I "met" (I had already met her, but never really payed her any attention) this friend of my sister's. She added me through FB, but no big deal, right? I mean, I practically have most of my sis' friends in there, get along with most of them, yada yada. So she sent me this message one day, and we just started talking from there. Like, all the freaking time.
Before I knew it, I had developed a "crush" for her. Nothing that serious, just felt like one of my old "teenage crushes". So I just ignored it, and continued talking to her. We quickly became friends, and we talk about pretty much fucking everything. I've never found myself in such an uncomfortable situation as this one, and most likely, I'm going to have to let it go.
Time passed, and a few days ago, I realized the "crush" was now more of a "I really fucking like you and want to hold you in my arms like right this fucking moment". She's my sister's friend, and I'm currently not living at home (two planes away), which just makes it really uncomfortable, but there's not much I can do about it.
If that wasn't enough, she's fucking 16 (and a half). Comments?
And no, don't call me a pedo. I actually researched that and it's only pedo when it's before puberty.
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Post by Albatross Trevelyan on Feb 4, 2009 8:33:53 GMT -5
A lot of older guys date younger girls in the HS that I went to. Usually the guys were around your age. If you 'really' like her then all signs should point to pursuing it. You ALSO, however, have to think about how your sister feels as well.
As for me, I am 19, going on 20 in September, so I am in the median where I can go slightly younger (17-ish) or older (I have went as far as talking to a thirty year old..., but we won't go there, WEIRD, I would probably say 25-ish). I, personally, wouldn't date a 16 year old, unless they were mature enough, and the fact that the time I would be available for them, wouldn't be until I had days off from work, considering I work second shift, and they would still be going to school. So in all reality, I would be leaning torwards older men, that had a job, of course. Though, if a nice 17 year old came a long, then I am sure that we could work it out, right?
Also, they say that love knows NO numbers, so 'age' shouldn't matter, but the age of consent does. I guess they mean that when they hit 17... haruummm. I would say go for it, and see what your sister thinks about it.
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 4, 2009 11:42:09 GMT -5
I dunno. I personally set a rule for myself of no more than a year difference, but that's just me. I'd personally think it weird if you dated someone that much younger than you, and honestly, so would a lot of people. Question is if you care about that or not.
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Post by hermes on Feb 4, 2009 12:55:06 GMT -5
The age difference is NOT a big deal, I've met people who had 10 years difference in their age, and they still loved each other no holds barred. The distance, however, can utterly destroy a relationship unless you can maintain utmost control over yourself, and can at least visit once and a while.
Honestly, I'd say go for it. Love it to rare a thing to be put down by time or distance. But, you have to be aware of your own limits, and keep a watchful eye on hers. If the time is to much, or the distance to great, it can foster second thoughts in both of you. Thus the need for visiting.
The choice my friend, as always, is most certainly up to you.
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Post by {WW}BetaBloodWolf7 on Feb 4, 2009 13:01:00 GMT -5
I'll agree with waiting till she's 17, maybe a bit longer depending on how much drama occurs in her life and how ell she handles it. The age difference only matters in the extent that older people are typically better in handling situations than people that are younger (Well, they're supposed to be). Ultimately though, as long as you're sure that the two of you can handle the relationship, then you should go for it.
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Post by Bub@ on Feb 4, 2009 14:14:06 GMT -5
I know all about the "setting up an age limit". My age limit used to be around 3 years younger. It still is but... I can't really help it. It just happened. She's more mature than most people I know, and she's incredibly intelligent for her age. Intelligence is what I have the hots for, pretty much, so that's saying a lot.
Guess age really stops mattering when love just knocks on your door, you know?
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 4, 2009 15:34:26 GMT -5
Make sure you're not raising her on a pedestal.
And also, I always keep hearing about kids who are smart for their age. I personally just think everyone is dumb and they're normal.
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Post by Krazy Glue on Feb 4, 2009 16:13:10 GMT -5
Personally I wouldn't worry too much about an age difference, I'm 20 and was with a 16 year old until a couple of weeks after I turned 20, granted thats 3 less years than you, but at the same time, if you like someone it really shouldn't matter too much. I will agree with Ch00bs though, you should really make sure she's what you're after before doing anything, purely because getting it wrong with a huge age difference can be problematic, and theres a chance you're a bit stuck in the "wow" factor of getting along with someone so well etc etc, trust me, been through it many a time.
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Post by hayato on Feb 4, 2009 17:56:35 GMT -5
It's worth a shot.
Even if everything ends up exploding in a fiery ball of flaming fires, you at least come away with a learning experience.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Feb 5, 2009 16:30:50 GMT -5
Hmmm... How shall I phrase this? I will simply leave a tidbit for you to mull over.
Everybody is constantly changing from the moment that they are born. People tend to change more rapidly when they're younger.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Feb 5, 2009 16:37:38 GMT -5
All right, man, but really, she's sixteen and a half, I'm guessing she's past puberty by now.
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SV
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Post by SV on Feb 5, 2009 17:20:31 GMT -5
I'm going to point out that while the age difference presents a bit of a problem, the actual physical distance between where you are and where she is factors in a lot. Really, at this point in time, it isn't prudent to pursue more than a close friendship with her.
HOWEVER. While it's not a good idea to hold out for her, it's also not a good idea to write it off that it could never happen. I've always been one of those everything-happens-for-a-reason people; whatever happens between the two of you, good or bad, was meant to happen.
Another thing to think about: fair or not, when people see older men with younger women (particularly at your given ages), they're going to assume it's for sex. I feel like I know you well enough to know that you would respect the girl and wouldn't try to pressure her into anything she wasn't ready to do. That's still how people are going to see it, though.
But the older the two of you get, the less the age difference matters. Since she's sixteen, the SIX-year difference seems significant. But if she were 18 and you were twenty-FOUR, it would seem less weird, and even less weird if she were 20 and you were twenty-SIX.
The best course of action I can really think of right now is to keep in touch with her and see where things go. "Hold on loosely but don't let it go" and all that. Good luck.
I hate myself for quoting .38 Special.
EDIT: SV fails at mathing stuff.
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Post by Bub@ on Feb 5, 2009 17:39:06 GMT -5
@lee - I'm aware of that, but I'm not that worried about that. As much as we change, our core selves tend to stay the change. I had a 3-year relationship when I was 17, so I know what you're talking about.
@sv - Dammit SV, it's only 6 years. Don't make it worse than it already seems! Hahaha, I guess you DO fail at math. XD j/k
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SV
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Post by SV on Feb 5, 2009 17:53:58 GMT -5
lulz at myself. I was most definitely thinking six before I started writing that part, and then in changed to seven. I'll fix it ^^;;
Later...
Fix'd. My apologies, Bub@. ><
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Post by Tout-Perd on Feb 5, 2009 18:19:31 GMT -5
I hate myself for quoting .38 Special. Y'see, I had just about the opposite reaction. I was all like "SHE QUOTES THE TRUTH, SPOKEN BY THE TONGUES OF ANGELS!"
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SV
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Post by SV on Feb 5, 2009 18:29:15 GMT -5
But, see, I've always regarded "Hold On Loosely" as a song about masturbation. Right up there with "The Stroke" by Billy Squier, but not quite as bad as "Capitol P" by MSI. It just didn't seem 100% okay given the topic of this conversation.
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 5, 2009 21:51:47 GMT -5
Well, I can tell you that most people will still judge for a 7 year age difference when you're 20. One of the lifeguards dated a 28 year old when he was 21, and all the other guards still tease him about it.
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Post by Tout-Perd on Feb 6, 2009 1:46:12 GMT -5
Isn't there a math formula out there somewhere with all the old wife's tales and such about what ages are okay to date?
Found it! [Guys age] / 2 + 7 = [Girl's Age]
So, according to Granny's rule of thumb, 18 is the minimum age that's datable by you. Of course, it IS only a rule of thumb.
My personal opinion? Wait like half a year or so. See where things go, and then reevaluate your position from there. Of course, this is advice from Captain Always-Misses-The-Boat, sooo...
Yeah, my advice is worth very little.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Feb 6, 2009 10:43:41 GMT -5
Wait, what? We add four over here. Not seven.
I think. Might be five.
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 6, 2009 11:12:09 GMT -5
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Post by Tout-Perd on Feb 6, 2009 11:43:05 GMT -5
Plus four or five? That seems awfully low, but maybe the Brits are more accepting of such things, hm?
Edit: Granted, I'm looking at it from the extreme perspective, since assuming the lower number and my present age would put 13 as acceptable. Which... Just no.
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Post by Yoshimitsu on Feb 6, 2009 13:17:24 GMT -5
I think it's our age, actually. Iirc, I can date someone who's... 14 and a half according to that logic. Let me think.
It might be 6? I, personally, wouldn't date anyone much younger than 16. I'm not really into younger guys.
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Post by hermes on Feb 6, 2009 13:22:03 GMT -5
Gotta love that comic. All I can say is, let her know that your interested. If she expresses a similar interest, then great, try to keep things cordial and comfortable without getting to deep. Then, when you have time to see her in person, try to get a little more depth. Try not to progress in a relationship to much online, most things need physical or at least proximity re-enforcement. A lot of women respond incredably well just to your voice. If you speak tactfully with sweet words, they're far more likely to listen to you, believe in you, and trust you. Kind of hard to do something like that over the internet. Its great that you love brains, and I don't blame you at all, but you have to look at everything about a relationship. People are built to breed and live, and thus they are also built to be shallow. Make sure EVERYTHING about her is at least acceptable to you, otherwise you'll be tearing apart the relationship in your own confusion, before she even gets a chance. If you really like her, then try to do as I did with Taryn. Just wait, with passing time, they become more mature. Not more intelligence, a persons intelligence does not change, but they become more mature and experienced. Eventually a time will come when she can look and speak to you, perhaps not as an intellectual equal (though in this case probably so), but an experienced and diverse equal. And if you still like her after that, then nuts to you man, you found a good girl.
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Post by Lady Kara on Feb 6, 2009 23:58:22 GMT -5
I have a rule when it comes to dating: Never date someone who's older than you by over 10 years, and never date anyone who's younger than you by 10 years (except in rare cases if it involves someone over the age of 16 and you're like 26 or older).
Sooo... talking to mwa would be really weird, Kevin?
I'm going to be 30 years old on Tuesday (the 10th).
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Post by Shrouded Wolf on Feb 7, 2009 19:07:20 GMT -5
Listen... IMO... Do whatever you feel is right. As long as you and her are fine with it, go for it. That's waht I say. I don't have personal experience with this (since my ex is 1 year older, and the girl I asked out is 1 year younger), however... My mom is 43. My stepdad is 70. There is a huge age difference, but they still get along and evereything. Everything that a couple has/needs to be/succeed.
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Post by Hamuu on Feb 8, 2009 14:30:19 GMT -5
I'm 22 and my girlfriend is 19, my mother and father were about 10 years apart - he was 61 when he died back in 2000 and she was 51 at the time.
Typically in other people I really don't see a difference with spread out ages. Now if it's one of the girls I know I wouldn't approve of them dating anyone over 4 or 5 years their age but that's cause my relationship with them is like that of a brother and sister thing.
I will say long-distance is a no go. Unless you would stake your life on trusting her not to fool around with another guy. Even then still iffy. I know from experience. My advice - Try to find a local girl, age - meh. I had a 9 month, long distance relationship and it ended horribly and I dont want anyone else to go through that.
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