Yeesh, it's almost the end of February. Made it just under the wire!
No. 10: AURORARPer: Aurora
Recent appearances: His last appearance was The Return in 2006. However, Prime kept sort of sneaking in references to him and how sad Prime the character was not to be able to hang out with him anymore. His last really notorious appearance was "Miss, Did It Hurt...?"
Edgy score: 3
Why so edgy?Oh, one from the deep cuts, huh? Yeah, there were a handful of contenders with three votes apiece but only two slots for them, and sorry Flint, but Aurora was outchea droppin' temperatures and sorry fools left and right since before you were a twinkle in the eye of the researcher who dug you out of that ice block. I'd be rude not to take this opportunity to give the nod to a forgotten, but once essential character in RP, who for an interminable stretch in 2006-07 was basically the protagonist of the boards alongside Prime. And you know, it's interesting to compare the two of them. One of the sillier aspects of Prime – the character, the person, the whole experience – was the way that every so often, he would try very hard for about three or four posts to present the character as polite, sensitive, and considerate, only to introduce some unexpected violent scenario where the character would be no more than a few "What the fucking hell?!"s away from reverting to his usual boorish self. You could hear the clock ticking every time Prime the character tried to be nice. The damned thing about Aurora is, when the author shot for "nice guy", it actually came across as sincere, and sometimes worked
pretty well. I can believe that Auro was generally a decent guy on his downtime, and not an edgelord at all. Ah, but those two authors didn't start up 90% of the RPs B.C. (Before Chords) in order to write about
downtime. And when an author is this obsessive about representing his character as a
chronic world-saving evildoer-thwarting champion of goodness, you know that other shoe is just fixin' to drop like a guy with a giant cleaver dropping straight down and shearing an innocent New Yorker in half. Sure enough, he went full bad guy in at least two topics, slashing arteries and trading sneering repartee with Prime about how far their friendship had fallen. Hell, even when the author felt like writing him as a good guy that day, he still repeatedly sported a
blood-red halo and once
suggested, nay,
insisted that Prime kill a good dragon instead of a wicked dragon. Let's give you some context here. Prime tells you a story about a dude who killed a dragon, took its heart, put the heart into his own ribcage, and ended up dying in a spectacular blaze of gibs when he proved unable to contain the evil enurjeezzz. Then Prime tells you that he is planning to kill a dragon, take its heart, and put the heart into his own ribcage. Do you respond with "Hmm, how about, not doing any of that?" You poor, sputtering sap. A real edgelord would say "Nah man, that evil dragon heart'll fuck you up. I'll show you where the
nice dragons hang out. Surely brutally eviscerating one of them and grafting its organs into your own mortal chassis will work out way— hey, fuck you, man! Falkor's right over here, if you're not gonna cut him open then I'll do it myself!
"And I'll wear his stupid cuddly pelt all the way back to
my mom's basement, where I literally live!"
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Oh, probably the time
he dropped straight down with a giant cleaver, shearing an innocent New Yorker in half.
If Aurora were a Sonic character:"Lesson number one, pain."No. 9: MESSECHAIARPer: Lady V
Recent appearances: Threading the Needle
Edgy score: 3
Why so edgy?I'm sure Natalie, Zebedee, and what's her name are seething with envy after having been excluded from the writeup, but they can just go ahead and take a walk, see if that green skin clears up, because my other choice besides Aurora was equally non-negotiable. That's right! Hot Mess is here to impersonate dead lolis and chew bubblegum, and Lady V doesn't write bubblegum. I don't know how you get much edgier than a shapeshifting succubus – or, incubus? Both? Neither? I don't know how you get much edgier than a shapeshifting fuccubus who doles out unspecified (but probably dick-chomping) punishments against pedophiles on their turf and who will take your soul after it's been wrenched out of your stupid, pleading, pedophile body and roll it right around in their mouth to bring out that nice oaky finish. Don't get me wrong, I love a curvy woman, or something pretending to be a curvy woman anyway, so would I turn down Messechaia as a cuddle-buddy? Hell no. All I'm saying is, they would probably chew me to ribbons halfway through the night for so much as snoring too loud, and they've got the fangs to prove it. And on that note, I retire.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Well, I've already pulled most of the edgy material from
their only post, so let's give the honor of Messechaia's edgiest moment to
whatever they did offscreen to Mayor Malcolm "19 Kids Diddled and Counting" Duggar. Did it start with sexy times? That's likely. Did it go sour very fast? Likelier. Was he screaming and calling for his mommy before the end? No doubt. Did he survive? Who knows? This was like fifteen years ago in-universe. I'm not optimistic, but we'll probably never find out the truth. He's been doomed to an offscreen life forever hanging by a thread, needless to say.
If Messechaia were a Sonic character:"Clear off that desk. I want to see just what My children's lives have purchased."No. 7: ENDERRPer: Choobs
Recent appearances: Head Games (sort of)
Edgy score: 4
Why so edgy?I'm honor-bound to only use RPs from Archie Exie as primary sources for these leaderboard writeups. So, with great pain, I'm forcing myself to skip over all the old Pokeschool RPs where Ender "Emansdrawkcab" Kimoned transfigured himself into a crackling electric hellion whom he repeatedly described in-narrative as looking like an Archon from
Starcraft.
It's like one of the worst things to describe an object as "like this other thing" because then the reader is completely aware that this object was lifted from somewhere else.
Luckily he never ever did this on Archie Exie!
"Evenin'," Ender said, leaning against the doorpost. Kind of like Batman, no one ever noticed him come in or go unless he wanted them to. The psionic pushed his shades higher up his nose. "You called?"
But I'm just being a tool, because it's so much fun. Let's delve deeper into what portrait of an edgelord we find when we limit ourselves to Ender's appearances on this forum only. What stands before us is a guy who never took himself too seriously, but you could always see the hints of trauma peeking around the outline, if you squinted, or maybe
pushed your glasses higher up your nose. For starters, he was able to
literally shut his emotions off like a water valve, leaving him with nothing to do but repeat "Now I am become Ender, destroyer of worlds" over and over in his mind while disintegrating an army of mechs in an explosion of shrapnel. He was full up of the pitchest-black energies just a-sloshin' around with every step, which he liked to
pontificate about while striking implausibly casual poses. Totally, definitely boned women
several at a time whenever he needed a break from saving humanity. Called someone
"retarded". And lest I forget, he's dead now! Yes, we've passed into the valley of characters who were so fuckin' badass their poor squishy vital organs could no longer hold up against all those sharp edges bristling inside and out. It takes some serious edge to kill off one of your biggest players for good, which is why most of us pathetic cowardly RPers have historically resorted to an elaborate narrative safety net full of resurrections, otherworldly bargains, mysterious amnesiac reboots, and other backup provisions that would make even Andrew Hussie roll his eyes and go look for a story with some stakes. But not Choobs. Hell, in Head Games he brought Ender back just to kill 'im twice. No that wasn't really Ender but
STILL EDGY AFCrowning Moment of Edgy:That time he
killed a guy in Shin-Ra just for reacting wildly to getting attacked by a magic-eating wolf, when Ender could probably have used his psionic powers to save that guy in about six different ways that wouldn't have involved shooting an explosive bullet in his vicinity? Wait wait, no, it's got to be the time Ender
drop-kicked a puppy in the face. Allegedly.
If Ender were a Sonic character:"Evil is such a silly word. If it were so black and white, the dark energy I house in me could make me count as evil."No. 6: VINCENTRPer: Elliot
Recent appearances: Light and Darkness Collide, The Exploration... probably like fifty or sixty little fiction one-offs by Elliot? Right? At this point?
Edgy score: 4
Why so edgy?You know, it's curious, looking back at
the Scary poll, how few characters from that writeup made it onto this one. Just two, in fact. Admittedly, part of that is that a lot of characters who scraped and clawed their way onto that top ten list are now-wildly-obscure figures like David Hadley (who?), Agent Pike (whom?), the Dinh Quints (come again?), and Volkner Fleischer (exc— oh, that guy. Yikes). And part of
that is me abusing my writerly privileges to shun Natalie and Rie in favor of less well-known characters as often as I possibly can. You don't like it, you can do your own damn list, but not with ten characters because I have a copyright on the number ten.
Anyway, what was I saying? Yeah, you'd think there'd be a lot of overlap between Scary and Edgy, but not so much in practice. Is Mandelbrot edgy? She didn't even get nominated for this one. If Mandelbrot wanted you dead, she would just walk up and slash your jugular, no talk, no fuss. A stoic non-personality like that can be terrifying, but not
edgy (unless said stoic non-personality is decked out in an appropriately in-yer-face graphic tee. Hey, spoilers for the next entry!). If you want your character to be both scary and edgy, you've got to go above and beyond. You've got to give him that little extra flair. And oh boy, was Vincent all about the flair.
Jeez, where to start? Well, how about one of the very first RPs on the board, where he fuses with Yoshimitsu,
immediately goes evil from the power, and starts destroying a city while scorning the absolute NERVE of people for daring to live in things like high-rises with wi-fi and such? Oh, Yisimentsu's cheating? Argh, fine, I mean, I had this whole thing written up about his
"Grand Energy Wave" and how that sounds like a repackaged Valon attack dangling on a toy rack in a crowded Thai marketplace, but whatever. I guess it's not relevant. Fine, I'll stick with Vincent, and his arc from serious-but-kind twenty-year-old bounty hunter playing Brawl and smooching Yoshi to spike-covered-and-maniacally-smirking supervillain pulling off every inch of Yisimentsu's edge
by himself, which should count for double the edgelord points. Well, until it turned out that Yisimentsu, somehow a separate entity from either of them after all, was the one controlling Vincent's body the whole time anyway. Hey, seriously, why isn't Yisimentsu taking home this spot? I guess the Nobel doesn't go to the guy who ran the experiment, it goes to the guy who served as the focal antagonist of
a post longer than the list of RPs waiting on Lee. What I'm saying is, Yisimentsu, you want the recognition, you got to put in the time. Get your name out there in the first post of topics, get people talking about you. By using Vincent as the pawn in your scheme, all you did was let him absorb all that latent edgecred like so much Darkness with a capital D. Ten years from now, no one's gonna remember you, Yisimentsu. But they'll remember Vincent, Vincent Li, the probably Anglo-Saxon boy who smirked.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Well, there's all the trash talk and shadow lasers and proclamations about how he's the only one qualified to decide whether anyone lives or dies in this world, but I actually think Vincent's edgiest moment was that time
half his skin got Two-Faced right off his body by a fireball Hector shot at him. Obviously he grew it back, but that's still a pretty fucked-up... excuse me? Sorry, what? Hold on, I'm getting a message. Which time? That time I linked! No, he never – what? He also suffered a blast that
flayed all the skin off his left leg during an incident when a bunch of demon's, and worse, angels to, walked the earth? Man oh man, Vincent really got put through the wringer a few times. As I was saying, you sure can efficiently signal how badass your character is by... you're fuckin'—
What? There was
another time Vincent's skin came right off mid-combat like a smirking onion? And it was in that massive Lee post I linked earlier? Good lord, I was not expecting this to be a pattern. What can I say? Vincent's epidermis – another typical Elliot ripoff!
If Vincent were a Sonic character:"Ha, don't make me laugh. These memories'll still be there, you stupid fucker. They wont fade that easily."No. 5: KURORPer: Kuroboom
Recent appearances: Light and Darkness Collide, The Phoenix's Last Incarnation (for a certain definition of "recent")
Edgy score: 4
Why so edgy?I've picked Kuro for the top 4-point slot because he typifies something that Aurora, Ender, and the highest-ranking character also demonstrate: you can put in the work as a sadistic ne'er-do-well or an amoral mercenary, but at the end of the day, there's nothing
! ! ! EDGIER ! ! ! than a sworn hero and protector of humanity whose go-to heroin' technique is to pry every bone out of the nearest enemy's body, in alphabetical order. As for Kuro in particular, he's a lot like Aurora in that both are relaxed, agreeable dudes who conceived of themselves explicitly (and ad nauseam) as literal guardians of the planet. And while I can't point to any RP in which Kuro caved under the pressure and went full Sephiroth like Auro inevitably did, that's because Kuro had a much more frequent and healthy outlet for the tensions of being an unsung bulwark shielding the innocent against a slew of limitless and incomprehensible evils: He ripped stuff apart. In the pantheon of scowling musclebros who ripped stuff apart, he's up there right now high-fiving the Doom guy. Whether it was vaporizing the faces of an approaching crowd into a
"fine red mist", ten at a time like so many animal crackers, or tearing off assorted body parts of attacking demons and using said body parts to beat other demons to death because he
"wasn't fucking around today", or – my personal favorite – describing one beast after Kuro had finished with it as a pile of
"thick, meaty, toothy ribbons that writhed around gurgling and sputtering", Kuroboom the author showed a rare and utterly psychologically inexplicable flair for grisly creativity in his main character's fighting style. That's edgy when a villain like Scar does it. When a heroic Saiyan who likes meditating outside his oceanfront cottage does it, there's not a scouter on the market that could tell you how edgy it is without exploding.
Anyway, even when Kuro wasn't actively engaged in pulling out vampires' eyeballs and jamming them into each other's sockets so they could see the look on their own faces, the ever-efficient Kuroboom never missed an opportunity to signal how edgy he was by sleeving various tough-guy shirts over Kuro's bulging torso, such as one with the logo of
the Punisher, noted favorite comic book hero of that weird kid you should definitely tell your principal about, and another one that simply read
"I SOLVE MY PROBLEMS THROUGH VIOLENCE" in case the Punisher thing was too subtle. Oh, and don't get me started on the boots. A signature ORP fashion piece, Kuro's boots, right alongside Hector's blue flame duds, Nopcsa's cravat, and Maude's bedsheet. There are more words in the Kuroboom corpus spent on loving descriptions of those heavy black combat boots than on stuff like Kuro having opinions and saying things.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Probably the time
he Cyclopsed his own arms and legs off to prevent his entire body freezing over by an attack from Yoshimitsu, turning Kuro very briefly into the world's rough-'n'-toughest Mister Potato Head. Just like Vincent, there's not much edgier than wreaking gruesome physical mutilation on your character just to have them shrug it off. He grew the limbs back, of course, but it's exactly this kind of slipshod abuse of his regenerative abilities that ended up getting Kuro killed for the very last time. That's right! The last we saw of Kuro,
his body had just expired, leaving nothing but a digital copy of his consciousness awaiting Sly's help transfusing him into a fresh new meatpacket. Unfortunately it was at just this moment that Sly was called away to attend to the matter of a giant meteor hurtling directly toward a humble private school for angsty teens, leaving Kuro's cyberghost perpetually trapped on the very
edge between this world and the next.
If Kuro were a Sonic character:"It's not too late to cut this shit out, man. I'd hate to have to kill you."No. 4: RIERPer: Choobs
Recent appearances: Head Games
Edgy score: 5
Why so edgy?Ugh, whatever. I wasn't kidding about how Rie and Natalie have become my
bête noire of these leaderboards writeups. At least one of them makes the top ten every time, because they're the only two characters anyone has ever heard of, and they're so boring to write about. Woohoo, rie. She hates you and stuff. Shrug.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:She was
at the edge of a field once. AND the edge of a playground.
The girl was at the edge of the field by now. By the time she slowed herself, she was at the edge of the rubber playground.
sew edgy
If Rie were a Sonic character:I'm gonna mix it up this time and try to find an actual Sonic franchise quote that I think sums up Rie's character.
"Where's that damn fourth Chaos Emerald?"Nailed it.
No. 3: LUCASRPer: Biscuit Prime
Recent appearances: Ishkabibble (not that recent)
Edgy score: 6
Why so edgy?Lucas! Back on track. I'm going challenge mode here and only using the OG Lucas material, not Biscuit's revival of the character. "Challenge mode", he said, as if limiting his resources to Prime posts for an edgy contest writeup were the equivalent of tying one hand behind his back, as opposed to the equivalent of showing up for a church Easter egg hunt at the age of thirty-five with a pair of spiked toddler-kickin' boots. But there's no denying that Prime hit a different nerve with Lucas, one that clicked with a lot of people. In all seriousness, I think a big part of it was the uncommon willingness on Prime's part to let this bizarre villain step up and spread the good word of his own deranged perspective not filtered through the POV of any of Prime's heroic characters. Oh sure, Eragon showed up in not too long, but all Lucas needed was three clean posts on his own to make a case for himself as one of Prime's most singular, weirdly endearing, and yes, edgy offerings. How edgy? His application to the U.S. National Park Service consisted of a photo of Niagara Falls with a red filter shopped onto it and the words
"REPLACE THIS WITH BLOOD" sliced through the paper with a pizza cutter. Plus a headshot, of course, but it was someone else's head.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Oh, uh, yeesh, maybe
the moment I just read for the first time, where Lucas foreshadows Prime joining the He-Man Woman Haters Club practically ten years early.
Lucas flinched in the classic male, empathic reaction. He really had no idea why women didn't feel pain for each other, even during birth. Maybe because they were such a sadistic lot.
Come on, Lucas! You were the chosen one! Nobody even brought up women in the surrounding context, why you gotta mansplain how no woman's ever felt a twinge of commiseration for another woman in the act of shoving eight pounds of kicking, bawling primate out her
organic orifice? Actually I take it back, Lucas, because if Prime had kept all the edgy misogynistic bullshit to you and not internalized it into his own brain like a cursed sword hoovering up the souls of the damned, maybe he'd have turned out an all right guy. That metaphor works especially well because Prime's brain is also shaped like a sword. Hey, speaking of metaphors, I just caught even more foreshadowing.
A room full of wailing voices and ice-cold grabby hands? Sounds a lot like /r/TheRedPill!
If Lucas were a Sonic character:"Bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!"No. 2: SILUMASRPer: Moose
Recent appearances: The Return of Silumas; (Dis)Orientation; Tragedy Begets Tragedy
Edgy score: 7
Why so edgy?Something's been missing up until now. We've seen a lot of edgy characters so far, but most of them haven't had much in the way of a romantic life, except of course for Ender sneaking in that smooch with Natalie right at the very last minute like Indiana Jones sliding under a closing portcullis (if it helps this analogy, picture Indy using the prehensile whip to open aspirin bottles and push his glasses up his nose). Most of the characters we've seen so far have been single or had relatively uneventful relationships. No one so far has really leaned into the trope of a character's lover being horribly murdered so that he can edge way the fuck out over it. Here comes Silumas and his stuffed fridge to the rescue!!!
Now, right after Lucas, I don't want to flog the gender theory horse to death, so I'm not going to harsh on this one that bad. I don't think "lover gets killed, hero seeks vengeance" is
inherently a sexist trope. It's maybe just kind of sexist by the numbers, in that the overwhelming majority of protagonists are still straight dudes, so the overwhelming majority of sacrificial victims to this trope are women? Listen, my point is, Moose isn't a misogynist toolshed like Prime is. But all the same, to any character who happens to find themselves face-to-face with Silumas, let me offer the following advice: Look down. If you see a pair of boobs, grab 'em and run. Because Silumas has an abysmal track record of women being alive in his vicinity. First he lost his Betty when half of cute apprentice-mage-next-door Wyren went down the gullet of an iguana the size of Cleveland.
Then he lost his Veronica when every trapped soul that had constituted diabolical slam piece Jezabel was sloughed off her at once, like a tragic implant malfunction deflating a Kardashian into a husk. Poor Archibald's running outta babes fast! Here's Lee stringing up roses for the Emily/Silumas ship and all I can say is, do you
want one of Silumas's unfathomably ancient interdimensional nemeses to waltz into the school kitchen and crush Emily's head in a waffle iron? Because it'll happen. And no mistake, it'll make Silumas angrier, angstier, and edgier than ever before, but I don't think that's a great tradeoff if it also makes Emily's face more burned, square, and dead than ever before.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Okay, okay, flinging students around an auditorium is kinda edgy. You know what else is edgy? Grabbing someone's chest and
channeling pure death-energy through your fingertips to methodically decompose that person one layer of skin at a time. Honestly, if the worst Garth got out of that incident was a concussion that'll hamper his grades in the first semester, inflict a reverse halo effect, and set him on a downward spiral that will eventually see him expelled from Terminer Academy, he should count himself lucky, because he could be suffering from that and
also look like a poster boy for House Bolton. On the other hand, I do see potential for Silumas to pick up a lucrative side gig in tattoo removal. Reba Winset's got to be having second thoughts about that tramp stamp.
If Silumas were a Sonic character: "Faculty. Only."No. 1: PRIMERPer: Prime
Recent appearances: Single or Taken
Edgy score: 8
Why so edgy?Ah, Prime, Prime, Prime. Can you believe he (the character) has never actually placed in the top ten in any poll so far? A couple of minor showings in Manly and Mysterious, and that's it. There's something undeniably satisfying about seeing him finally come out of the woodwork to win the contest he was born for – but at the same time, I can't pretend I'm not daunted by the task ahead. Here we are on the home stretch, only to find out the boss just grew eight extra HP gauges!
You see, dear reader, I take the leaderboards writeups very seriously, not only as an opportunity to bash my head against the countertop for
two weeks three weeks a month trying to come up with even barely amusing jokes, but also as an opportunity to dive deep into the archives and do some honest research into the characters who make the top ten, unless they're named Rie or Natalie, in which case fuck 'em. And that work takes time, but it pays off, too! I actually have a halfway proper sense of Aurora's and Vincent's character arcs now! (They both turn evil!) But you see, Prime defeats me. I can't comb through all his past appearances in an effort to present a well-researched case for why he is The Edgiest Character in RP. There's just too much there. We'd all be waiting another
month year Thyra's Demo Epoch for the results. Luckily, I'm friends with some machines! And machines are ALL ABOUT doing the tasks too grand for any human lifespan, like a Russian bot posting a photo of Trump in every single Reddit thread in the time it takes Trump to pick up his fried-chicken knife and fork. Say, here's one of my machine friends now! It's HSQ-3000! Wow, it's been a while!
"GREETINGS, UNCOMMONLY SHORT-LIVED MORTALS."Hey, HSQ-3000, you're not Russian, are you?
"OF COURSE NOT. I'M FROM URUGUAY."Sweet. I'm pretty sure we like them. By the way, can you remind everyone what the "HSQ" stands for?
"I WAS DESIGNED FOR ONE PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY. INPUT IS [SINGLE/AGGREGATE] [ACTUAL/FICTIONAL] EVENT. OUTPUT IS A PRECISE, EMPIRICALLY REPLICABLE CALCULATION OF THAT EVENT'S DIVINE FECAL MATTER LEVEL."The holy shit quotient?
"CORRECT."Okay, declare the entire body of Prime posts about Prime the character as an aggregate fictional event. I'm looking for edge, HSQ-3000, pure raw edge. Can you tell me what the holy shit quotient experienced by someone looking for edgy material in the Prime corpus would be?
"SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCAN CONCLUDED. DIVINE FECAL MATTER LEVEL 81%. DANGER. HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST HUMANS BROWSING PRIME CORPUS IN SEARCH OF EDGE. DIVINE FECAL MATTER LEVELS AT URGENT RISK OF INFLICTING PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE."Thanks for checking, HSQ-3000, whew, I could have really been in trouble there. I'm not going to try to browse the whole thing myself. But let me ask you for one more favor: Can you generate some random numbers for me? I need pairs of integers in which the first integer ranges from 1 to 29 and the second ranges from 1 to 26.
"WELL, I WAS DESIGNED FOR ONE PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY, BUT IT'S JUST SOME NUMBERS, SO OKAY."Great! So, as HSQ-3000 spits out the number pairs, I'm going to pick the post in the Prime corpus that's specified by those pairs. There are 29 pages of posts containing the word "Prime" in the relevant RP boards, and 26 posts per page in the search results (for some damn reason). This is how I'll try to paint a portrait of Prime's edge: not by giving a holistic assessment, but by assembling a sort of collage of edgy moments. I have no idea how this is going to go! But I trust in Prime to come through!
"VERY WELL. PAGE 4, POST 19."Prime grabbed Vincents arm, preventing him from withdrawing the blade, blood splattering down onto his waist. He grunted.
"But a goddamned strong one at that," Prime grunted, coughing blood into Vincents face.
"Fuck you!" Prime gasped, cracking his knee into Vincents stomach, and kicking him away. He pulled the sword out of his belly before Vincent had a change to recover, and discarded it.
"DIE!"
Hmm, yep, really damn edgy right out the gate. Blood going in all directions, plenty of tough-guy cursing, inflicting brutal injury on your own character (in case it wasn't clear from reading the whole post, I'm pretty sure Prime wrote Vincent's sword going through Prime's belly)... A textbook start. Can we get another one, please?
"PAGE 27, POST 11." "You want a challenge!" Prime spat, as he snatched Aurora out of the air by his arm. "Fine!" He yelled. His Dragoon modules started generating localised energy at their tips. They flashed towards Yisimetsu, leaving craters a hundred meters in diameter in the ground. Prime himself moved forwards, smacking the energy aside, swinging both his 8 foot katana, and massive 20 foot Excaliber smoothly and powerfully. The ground cracked around him as he sword his massive blades, the air around all of the erupting with energy whenever a sword connected with the ground, carving massive, mile long forrows into the ground, and giant cracters as he strove to remove Yisimetsu's head. He regularely punctuated his swings with kicks, and slashes from his five foot elbow blades.
So that's an eight-foot katana, a
twenty-foot Final Fantasy sword, and a pair of five-foot armblades jutting out of the elbows just to make it a little more aerodynamic. Christ, can you imagine an actual human running around swinging – or no, I'm sorry, according to the typo up there, "swording" – this many oversized blades? And then tripping on a giant cracter and promptly dicing himself into neat little cubes as he fell? That's the only way I can see this going.
"PAGE 28, POST 22." "She has a point." Prime pointed out. "Now, what say we do something before that massive patrol of soldiers I can plainly hear heading our way finds us? I don't want to get hit by a power desrupting weapon, I think it might hurt."
An allegedly comedic cavalier attitude toward sustaining marrow-disintegrating trauma! This is what passes for Prime's sense of humor. It's also mega edgy, because a reggo non-edgelord's reaction to the possibility of getting hit by a power desrupting weapon would be, "PLEASE NO, I LIKE MY BLOOD VESSELS, OH GOD WE HAVE TO RUN. ALSO, IT'S SPELLED 'DISRUPTING'."
"PAGE 5, POST 21." Blood pounded in his head, Prime grabbed onto the attack. There was a spurt of blood as veins burst, a death's head grin split Prime's face, and his feet dug into the ground. The whites of his eyes turned red, with the emerald irises of his eyes staring out wildly at the world.
Prime worked one forearm in front of the attack, and with a massive heave, pounded it aside. He started laughing wildly as the attack pounded into one of the draconic barriers, expending itself.
Oh, it's Prime's one writing thing! Yeah, he loves the poetic imagery of a "death's head grin" spreading across the face of one of his characters, he's used it like eighteen times. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but I assume it involves the character's lips melting off, his eyeballs popping out, and his nose retracting inward to leave nothing but a pitch-black cracter in the middle of his face. Pretty edgy.
"PAGE 15, POST 20." Prime screamed as all his memories returned. The long years trapped as a human, finally being released and able to fulfill his duties, being not only sealed away, but FUSED to this new body, so he could never leave it again without killing himself, nevermore would he be able to do his duty, never again could he protect his territory and the people in it. He looked up at Valar, "Fool, you do not understand what you've unleashed upon the world. Already I can feel my star fading, nothing can stop it now, and you've trapped me in this body. Soon this world will be close to the etherial, the holy, and the unholy, and we will be over run with demons and angels waging war in this land, as their battle-ground once more." He said harshly. His power deserted him entirely as his star went out, and he was only a man. Though there were still incredably powerful forces in his new body to drive him. "I see, you have given in me the blood of the multiverses two greatest forces, as well as many others. DNA from every dragon, DNA from angels and demons, DNA from Satan and God. All weaved around the base human core, limited, but capable of containing such power without destroying itself." He sighed. "But it is not my power, I will have to learn to use it." He looked around, and at the sword embedded in Valar's gut. "It seems my sword is gone, but I am still whole. I suppose that is for the best. Without my star, that sword would've been nothing but mithril." He pulled the sword from Valar's gut, and grinned as the man screamed. "You shall live, to see the horrors you will cause, you have caused. I wonder, do you have enough consiounce to regret what you've done?" He held out his hand, and healed the wound with the power of a white silver dragon. Several elements flashed through his control, alighting his body in many different ways. "Hmph, so limited compared to my own lost power. But it is enough. I can grow." He looked at the blood red sword in his hand. "This to will do, I would only stain any other sword red. And this is fine armor, I thank you Valar, for your contributions." He teleported Valar away, he didn't pay attention to where. "It seems we have some catching up to do Aurora." He said. "Where do we begin?"
Yeah, sorry, I couldn't pick just one part of this to excerpt.
I could go on. No, seriously, I could ask HSQ-3000 for about a hundred more quotes. This is trivially, embarrassingly easy. But I don't think we're going to find a Prime post that tops his edgiest moment of all, and my very favorite Prime post of all time. You already know which one I mean.
Crowning Moment of Edgy:Because it's the one I can't stop copypastaing.If Prime were a Sonic character:"Come on!" [brief period of coughing]
"COME TO ME YOU BASTARDS! I'LL SEND YOU ALL BACK TO HELL!!!"&No. 8: KNUCKLESRPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Triannual
Edgy score: 4
Why so edgy?Here I come, rougher than the rest of them
The best of them, tougher than metal
You can call me Knuckles
Unlike Nopcsa, I don't chuckle
I'd rather carve your muscles
All outta time, you ain't worth a dime,
I'll steal your soul whether you Primus or Prime
Unlike the rest, I caused that motorcyclin' thug's death
Slugfest with me, you'll have no ugly mug left
Fought on a terrace in the tropics
Great Nippon steel replaced the bones inside me
My duty is to slay intruders
Who whine about com-pen-saaation, yeah
I will be the one to rip your soul out, true
Cleanse yourself of them naked angels that's in you
The new porcupine on the deck, can't miss this
On the precipice, dishin' shreddedness
Knock knock it's Knuckles, the death-dealer
Hellish fate sealer, immortal soul stealer
Y'all oughta brought a healer
My spikes go through squealers, looks like I found a bleeder
Say I'm gone, and ignored? I don't need a name
Bring it on with your sword, adversaries get goredCrowning Moment of Edgy:Killed Prime. I don't care that Prime then came back, sliced Knuckles vertically in two, and dragged his soul to hell. I just care that Knuckles killed Prime.
If Knuckles were a Sonic character: