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Post by ch00beh on Jun 1, 2016 23:17:48 GMT -5
I noticed we're missing a tight feedback cycle for really in depth critique work on stuff we write. Sure, we're all pretty good, but what fun is that without someone diving in and ripping you a new one line by excruciating line? So! I've decided to start this topic wherein we trade critique sessions. You link to a post of yours either in Solo or in the RP that you want critiqued, preferably around 1500 words max, and someone else does an in depth critique. In exchange, you must critique something of approximately the same length that they ask.
What do I mean by an in depth critique? I mean more than just the standard "omg i luved it" or "lolwut" or "ur so dumb" posts that we normally do as a response to things. Going line by line and paragraph by paragraph highlighting what went well and what didn't feel right. Was something confusing? Was something fucking awesome? Was something a gigantic plot hole? All these are valid questions.
It's hard to really describe what I'm talking about without a real example, so I'm going to provide a free critique for the first three people to post here. Remember to keep things around 1500 words max so that I have no excuse to put off doing the critiques.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 2, 2016 6:57:19 GMT -5
Remember to keep things around 1500 words max This is some kind of punishment for those of us who write a lot of words isn't it? All the posts that I would actually want to see critiqued are like three thousand Okay, here we go, I guess, this one is only around 1100 words. It's sort of a random pick but I'll be a guinea pig.
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Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Jun 3, 2016 15:33:41 GMT -5
I'm honestly not sure how great I'm going to be at critiquing someone else's work, but I guess I'll try and take a crack at it. In the meantime I'll let you experiment on this latest post from my ORP solo fic. Have fun, but please try not to completely rip my heart out, thanks.
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 4, 2016 16:48:03 GMT -5
might bump from 1500 to 2000 depending on how constraining it is. OVERALL Deandre is an interesting guy to critique because he's essentially got the narrative style of an unreliable narrator. Run on thoughts, weird grammatical structures, odd engagement in senses, etc are all intended, and that makes it hard to critique from a purely technical perspective. Thanks Pohatu. For reals, though, this writing style is really easy to mess up and make annoying/inscrutable, so those are my biggest props on the post as a whole. For the most part, the post is easy to follow, and more importantly, understand, and even has a couple fairly clear arcs being forwarded. No major problems that I had with the post after reading it over a couple times, besides the couple of things I noticed about Dis as a whole: almost every character is a woobie, including Deandre, and this post does the usual of doubling down on that theme. The puppy love IMO simultaneously exacerbates and alleviates the issue. I mean, this is the point of his whole character, so I'm not saying to change it, so take of this observation what you will. So with the major stuff out of the way, let's dive deep. FARMGIRL? DRESS + BOOTS had become FARMGIRL? WHT, BLONDE, DRESS + BOOTS EMMA McCROWLY <- RAY JO BMEADOW - YEAH P/MUCH THE TYPE "CORN" POPCORN. ALCOHOL. FIRE JUGGLE "CORN". Besides being a woobie, the note taking is really what makes Deandre Deandre. It reads really awkwardly, especially with that intestitched "had become", but again going back to the above point about his narrative style, these notes aren't really meant for us the reader, they're meant for Deandre. Minor point with regard to the "YEAH" and having "CORN" twice in there: unless Deandre has the writing speed of a stenographer, I'm not sure he'd be wasting loops on colloquialisms/tics or redundancies. One thing you may have already played with but which might help readability is playing with the fonts in these sections. Yeah, it's all caps, but IMO caps are the weakest differentiators for styling because acronyms are a normal part of writing these days, so it's easy for the eye to just keep reading without realizing until the end of the line that "oh, this was some stuff that's on the level of internal monologue." Really like drawing attention to the 5 word character descriptions that Deandre has. It helps differentiating the sections. It would be really easy for all four of these pages to just blend together during reading without the use of repetition. One thing that could be interesting to play with is built in prejudices, especially ones that are not really Deandre's. It's gonna be hard since these notes are so sparse with info, but given how fast he's writing, his choice in diction would be really spur of the moment. Speaking of, I'm not even sure if "HAX" is a word that Deandre does on the normal. Also also, where did Deandre get the "QADIR" amendment from? I'm surprised he spelled Dalisay correctly. Besides weird verbiage, I'd also expect more misspelling in Deandre's notes, which we did get in Jamal's entry, but again, I'm wondering how he fixed that spelling. I'd also expect misspellings in standard words--I take tons of hand written notes on the daily and I have so many accidentally dropped letters, or even dropped words that I carrot in later. The super-clausy sentence is cool and is such a great thing Deandre has. However, it seems to be trying to get across that Deandre is kind of scared of Dalisay's power as well as curious, and it only gets across curious to me. Might be because it's got so many commas and the part about destruction is in the middle, but that bit feels like it's being told off hand. Unsure what the colon is giving you here as opposed to a period. It's hard for me to distinguish if this is intended or not, but the use of the colon as opposed to the period makes the last clause lose any kind of oomph. If I had to name one thing I personally found negative about Deandre, I'd point to the fact that his wandering thought process lacks any kind of gravitas, especially for moments that warrant them. There's something about this line that I love. I kind of want to call out the use of "moment" twice in the same sentence, but maybe it's that repetition that's getting me? Really looking here, I think it's the description of Dalisay's quivering voice? Who even knows. Idk how often you tried to store pens in the front pocket of a hoodie, but I am so surprised Deandre has so far only had one lost pen adventure. Things get a bit dicey for me here. Wandering sentence with three different characters. I had to read twice to really get what was being talked about, but I guess that's also kind of the point of Deandre's thought process. PS. you can m dash by hitting command + option + hyphen on your mactop. Okay I get the colon here. Going back to gravitas, that last sentence has it, even with the colon. So I don't think it's a character feature of Deandre's that he lacks strong reactions; just a quirk of using a really hard writing style. Something to watch out for more. Aaaaand it's lost again. Also the Guillermo del Toro thing threw me off. For some reason, I don't picture Deandre at being too good at references, given that his memories are all scrambled-like. Or maybe Guillermo del Toro is the one memory of his that he clutches to like a driftwood raft in the middle of the ocean. Fighting ape birds has never been so romantic. I d'awwwwed. At first I was a bit weirded out by how much Deandre was levelling his hawk eyes at Alma instead of fearing for his life, but I guess that's kind of what being head over heels does? Oh boy oh boy 4 pages later we get to finally see Deandre fly and control fire! But seriously, I like the setup here. I really liked this portion of describing what Deandre can actually do and why he's so afraid of it. The implacable sense part, especially, was great for getting across that alien mindset. That's a lot of faith you got in Alma, bud, thinking that a quick conversation = end of fight coming. I mean, he's right, but it's eerily precognitive for someone with no precog powers. Another weird moment of PoV. How does Deandre know that the beast should know better? Dope. My newest pet peeve is "and then the character saw SOMETHING" which Deandre does here by picking up a thing. It's cheap tension. Describe it as a scrap of fabric, a green accessory, or anything more clever, but "something" is weak, IMO. I like all the prefacing Deandre does of characters with little bits of what they are. I'm not sure if it's a quirk of Deandre, or if it's Pohatu just being conscientious of the reader trying to keep track of loads and loads of characters, but I appreciate it. sugoi~
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 4, 2016 17:50:13 GMT -5
Dude thanks for this!
The "something" he picked up off the floor was alma's necktie. I just didn't want to reveal what it was immediately. I agree that just having him pick "something" up with no clarification would be weird.
There's no justification for having him figure out "qadir". I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too where he doesn't get everyone's name right on the first try, but at the same time it would be boorish to have him misspell everyone's names until specifically corrected, so i usually let him get it right after a few tries. Artistic license i guess
I definitely overuse "moment" so thanks for pointing that redundant one out.
I might consider giving deandre's notes a special font if playing with fonts on proboards weren't such a recipe for heartbreak. Burgled boullogne is a bloodbath since the upgrade, i gotta go back and patch up the fonts there.
Agreed that terminer is full of woobies. I want deandre to gain more confidence about his power, but right now the most honest way i could play it was to make it a huge source of anxiety and guilt. His staff conference addresses this (and actually, like, officially clears up what his power is). Someday that boy will be a true player. Someday
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 4, 2016 20:12:00 GMT -5
So I'm working through Getting to the Truth (reading the whole thing so I can get context), but in the meantime, I'd like to put up the latest chapter in Matriarch (1160 words) up for critique and whoever decides to do it gets another critique out of me. ALSO I forgot to mention that there's nothing stopping multiple people from reviewing a single work. This topic is just so we can all get feedback, and the incentive is that if you ask for a critique on your work, the people critiquing are allowed to ask for a critique on theirs from you.
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 5, 2016 13:56:22 GMT -5
Help & Advice seems like a better board to have this topic
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 5, 2016 21:56:57 GMT -5
OVERALL This is both praise and criticism, but this particular scene was IMO the strongest Derek scene in the story so far. As Pohatu had mentioned, the story was veering into darkness induced audience apathy. I know that the story is supposed to be dark, and you mentioned that it's only going to get darker, but there's a (paraphrased) quote that Lee had that's kind of stuck with me over the years: "The interesting stories are not either completely dark or completely light, but in the contrast between the two." Having these breather moments is key to really getting that oomph in the heavy parts. Also as far as the fight scenes went, I found the blocking to be a bit confusing, so just the talky talk part makes things easy. But, we're not here to talk about those, we're here to talk about this post, so let's dive in. Several bystanders were also caught in the crossfire and reports say at least three are in critical condition. Remember your commas after your "and" when it separates independent clauses. Given that Izzy is around, muttering to oneself seems like it's a trope lifted from movies/TV where we don't get internal monologues, or terse Derek has a cry for conversation, or Mr. Serious actually likes talking to himself. It's cool for a character to talk to themselves or to unconsciously want to talk to someone, but given the lack of prior related behavior, this stuck out to me, so I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. Aww, bummer. On the one hand, given the focus that Derek had on it, I kind of wish it payed off. On the other hand, don't feed your readers everything they want. Keep crushing their hopes and dreams. This seems like an important detail. Nothing to change on your part; I just want to point out that I now have "is there or is there not a high ranking person involved in all these shenanigans" as one of the questions I'm hoping to get answered. Same thing with the garage bit. Setting up the questions and answering them bit by bit is really important for thriller type stories. Getting the pacing of reveals right is the hardest part, though. There's that stuff in between light and darkness that makes antiheroes compelling. IMO one of the best things about the journey of the antihero is the shades of gray they must go through to ultimately be a good guy. Not so interesting when it's just kill kill kill (see Rie for kill kill kill). "A nervous voice [...]" is still part of the sentence, so "A" should be lowercase. Good details. Be careful with your pronouns. It's semi-obvious here because Derek was asking a question in the first line to the only other character in the room, but referring to Izzy as "his" to start his segment is pretty ambiguous. This is a bit overly prescriptive, but a general point about dialogue: the words "said" and "asked" disappear when you use them to convey dialogue. Words like "admitted" and later on "suggested" and "insisted" pop off the page and are kind of distracting to the actual words being spoken as they can be redundant if used incorrectly. Adding more context is not bad though! The whole "rubbing the back of his head" is a brilliant action that helps break up long dialogue sequences. "Suddenly" and "surprising" really weaken this sentence IMO. The part where he actually asks a question has all the impact, no need to slow us down before we get to it. Yeah, with the whole "Derek himself had not expected" part, even though more words are devoted to getting the point across, more words tend to weaken surprising things. Probably the hardest thing for every writer is conservation of words: that is, knowing the exact set of words to use to convey a thing and not a word more. It's what separates the greats from the good enoughs. That's not to say austerity is what you want all the time! Sometimes you want poetry, sometimes you want meandering, sometimes you want fluff, but when you use those constructs, there's gotta be a reason. Character voice is usually a good excuse, but Derek is too no nonsense for extra verbiage, IMO. The self questioning here has a bit of a disconnect with the rest of the themes. They seem too on the nose and generic at the same time. Minor technical point in that you probably want to specify that Izzy is talking here with an "Izzy said" given that we've been in Derek's head for a spell. Dunno if that's necessary or not, but something to play with. Yes, we know he just wants to be his own man. Literally just said that. Either rephrase the sentence in Derek's head, or throw it away. Nice. This sentence reads awkwardly IMO. See above section about using the words "suggested" and "suddenly." It's like there's a magnet drawing my eyes away from the meat of the dialogue. You overuse the word "surprise." Not to say that you should break out the thesaurus, but there other ways to convey the feeling. Popping the head back, eyes widening, stuttering, taking a step away, tensing up, etc. Those are the low hanging turns of phrase that I rely on so don't copy word for word or else I will not have anything, but you get the idea. See above sections for "insisted." Minor grammatical thing: There should be a period after "blinked" since "Izzy blinked" is an independent clause. First word in quotations should always be capitalized. Period after "smartphone" here as well. Lol. Also, looking at the words "puzzled" and "uncertain", I'd like to go back to the thing about the word "surprised." Show, don't tell. Maybe Izzy cocks his head to the side, furrows his brow, squints his eyes. As it stands, those two words are just synonyms of "surprise" and don't convey as much as you want them to convey, IMO. Another moment where you want to show and not tell about Derek's expression. I like this exchange. See above sections about "insisted." Lol. Top lel. More good stuff. Minor point: personally, I think "chuckled" is the wrong word for someone snarking at an old bro. So much sighing along with being surprised in this post. Saying it's "heavily" doesn't help change the action, either. Period after "head." A+ See above about "stated." Also, comma after "life" since it's followed by Derek's speaking action. Nice. That slapping part was confusing at first because I couldn't figure out the mechanics of it, then I realized I'm old and have rickety shoulders and Izzy totally got me. I get the sentiment, but the wording feels awkward here. I don't get the sentiment here as the wording is more awkward. Good post.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 6, 2016 7:12:24 GMT -5
Yikes, guy! Dialogue tags more varied than "said" and "asked" are SOMETIMES FINE. Maybe chill out about it. If used well, they can help sustain the tone the dialogue is conveying, and give the conversation more of a contour instead of letting it lie flat.
I'll getchu (fam) on that latest Matriarch post.
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 6, 2016 9:14:56 GMT -5
I'm mostly just pointing out the instances, not necessarily asking them to be changed, so sorry if that's how it came across. Normally I'd just underline on a physical piece of paper, but we're not exchanging those. I'm totally fine with using other words than "said" and "asked" once in a while, but those words are like nice wine to me: There's gotta be a reason to break out the bottle, otherwise stick with the two buck chuck.
Really it looks like a lot of nit picking about the same thing because it's a dialogue heavy post. If it were an action scene, I'd probably look like I was getting all up ins with regard to sentence length and adverbs. (protip: sentence length is key for fight scene pacing!)
Also, since you're doing that Matriarch poast and that first one of yours is free, I'm happy to do another post from you.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 6, 2016 11:36:16 GMT -5
Priya no longer lay on a wooden cart and instead had been moved to a wooden table that at least had a cotton sheet over it. She twiddled her thumbs, staring up at the ceiling. Devo had only lit one of the lamps before running off to find the doctor. The girl had already finished reading the labels on all the various tinctures and potions on the shelves and was just idly following the lines in the ceiling's swirling pattern. Unlike the labels, the red and gold mural had not changed since the last time she had lay here. The line about Devo only lighting one lamp feels like it could be better tied to the rest of the paragraph somehow – right now it kind of interrupts the flow. (I like this em-dash shortcut suggestion, by the way, thanks. I'd gotten really sick of the double dash.) Maybe this could be restructured to something more like "By the light of the single lamp Devo had lit before running off for the doctor, she'd already finished squinting to read the labels on the various tinctures and potions shelved around the room, and was now idly following the lines in the ceiling, a faintly visible swirling pattern." I don't know, that's a long sentence but it does a better job of relating the idea of "just one lamp, not much light" to the rest of the description. P.S. "had lain" EDIT: Per below, you might consider just saving the ceiling pattern detail for a little later on and focusing on the labels here. What did she have to crane her neck to see over? Is there a rack of potions in between her and the door? Or is she just not facing the door in the first place? In which case something like "she strained to turn around without leaving the table" would get this across better. "Verbed then verbed", then "verbed then verbed". We've got two of these in two lines, you might think about changing one of them. Personally I'll vouch for "sighing then chuckling" over "beaming then making a face", which is a slightly unnatural progression. What if we don't need to know that Priya stopped beaming before saying she got dehorsed? We already saw that she was capable of cracking a joke with Devo even in her beat-up condition. She could honestly be kind of proud about getting dehorsed by a giant. I'm all about using hyphens to conjoin colors like this – "brownish-red" instead of "brownish red" – but that's just me. Also, let's not be afraid to call a ball a ball, huh? Let's not let testicles ruin that word for us like they have ruined so many things over the course of human history. "Sphere" has an indelible modern/sci-fi ring to it. On the other hand "nestled into brass crooks" is a great turn of phrase. "just at the edge of her hearing" – another nice turn of phrase. I don't know about that last sentence, though, seems a little undercooked. Might take another shot at it. "with which" is never that much fun to read or mentally pronounce. You might consider "at which", or just reorganizing the clause into something like "once the room was bright enough for a man to do his work". As for that safe, I know what a modern-day safe hidden in a wall looks like, but I don't necessarily know what an Aleta safe looks like. It'd be nice to get a little more visual detail here! Is it the same material as the wall? What shape is the door? Unless we're supposed to understand Nico as a paranoid man then I don't think we need or care for the clause about him locking the safe again, and if that is our intended takeaway then you could easily have more fun with that. Maybe the safe is hidden behind a painting or something and Nico takes excessive pains to restore the painting in exactly the same orientation it was hanging in prior, before he goes on with the work. Another opportunity for more visual detail: instead of just saying it's "a specific spot" on the table, could we get some detail about how the patterning on the table carries Priya's eye to that spot and confirms for her that Nico placed it there deliberately? Also, I like the strong end of that sentence, "the ink that powered much of the empire", but I'm thrown earlier by not having any idea what "akaramatic reactions" are or why it would be a problem for them to occur. If we're talking about possible explosions or something then it would be useful to imply that somehow. On reflection I wonder if you could just change "the ink that powered much of the empire" to "the ink that powered the empire". Stronger, don't you think? Why hold back? Even if it might not be totally accurate, it's poetic. Huh, I figured you'd be a purist about not using digits for simple numbers that could be more elegantly rendered in words: "fifty or sixty" instead of "50 or 60". (Same for "16 years" below.) But if you prefer digits then that's fine I guess. Less fine is writing "girls'" when you meant "girl's". Also, I really like that Priya can discern that the doctor's hands are fidgeting beneath his sleeves, but you could improve that by describing a little more how she can tell. Like "Though his hands were hidden, the little swishing of fabric at the ends of his sleeves told Priya those hands were fidgeting..." "hastily bound" arguably deserves a hyphen, "milk white" inarguably so. Again would love more detail than "various geometric lines" here, I think we're overall seeing a missed opportunity to go much more vivid with this strange pattern-magic involved with potioneering in this world. You'll want to drop one of those "down"s by the way. Second time she's stared at the ceiling. Would you consider moving the image of the swirling pattern on the ceiling here instead? Up top she can just be focusing on reading the labels on the potions, not staring at the ceiling, before Nico comes in. If you don't like that then maybe you should just have her turn her eyes aside here or something, it's conspicuous to use "stared at the ceiling" twice in one scene. "then nodded" but this is otherwise fine. Definitely want more detail here too. "pictured herself walking about" feels very functional considering you're then asking us to posit the "images" settling in her mind. Is she picturing herself walking about right here or somewhere else? On grass, dirt, wood, stone? She's good on a horse, maybe she imagines walking with the reins of her horse in her hand, pressing a hand against the animal's hide for support? Something. I think I'd prefer "she felt as if several iron vices had all begun crushing her broken leg at once", or even just "she felt as if several iron vices were crushing her leg at once", but it's hard to explain why I find that preferable to "began". Actually, I'll do you one better – why are we bothering with "several" and "at once" here? Surely "she felt as if iron vices were crushing her broken leg" has more immediacy, which is important in expressing this very immediate sensation? It's a good image though, and so should be the second part of that sentence, but it's not phrased great... "shifting at their own volition"? I can tell you've got a good idea here but you might take a second look at phrasing it. Do you mean that everything under her skin is shifting in, like, different directions? It might help to stay physical like that instead of going abstract with "volition". This is all awesome phrasing up until that last sentence. Maybe it's just my aversion to the phrase "on accident", but – no, there's something off about this. And it could sort of combine with ideas from the previous sentence. Something like "It was a strange feeling to be bound by these parchment restraints, so fragile she might rip through them by an accidental movement, and yet with a holding power that felt unyielding, like silk bands..." I tripped over "rang ragged" but I actually like it upon further inspection. If he only completed that cycle once then I don't think we need the phrase "in a quick cycle". If you actually meant that he kept doing that over and over (which is somewhat more interesting) then it could be phrased more clearly, something like "Magister Everwood was making a point of meeting the others' eyes repeatedly in between glances at the girl's leg." Another pair of "verbed then verbed" formations really close together. I've spoken out in the past against overuse of "verbed before verbing", which can be a lazy way to present a sequence of movements and threatens especially to muddle action choreography, but I've grown a little more comfortable with deploying it strategically and I think you could afford to use it a little more often, rather than insisting on presenting things as a sequence of straightforward past-tense events. Either one of these could be adapted to that mode, producing "Priya took a few more breaths before slackening her jaw" or "Priya forced a smile before flexing her wrapped leg". The first one sounds better, though, since it conveys a distinct sense of Priya taking the breaths specifically to prepare herself for slackening her jaw. Actually you could just as well change the second one to something like "Priya forced a smile as she flexed her wrapped leg" or something like that, those two actions don't necessarily have to be one after the other. Whatever helps you avoid overusing "verbed then verbed". Thank you Choobs. Can I sleep now?
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 6, 2016 12:08:09 GMT -5
no you just woke up
thanks for the critique! really helps having the awkward places pointed out, especially the "verbed then verbed" spots. I do those pretty offhand and pretty much gloss over them during the reread.
Explaining the magic is a bit tricky because Priya isn't all that good at it. She knows the general basics, but never had the knack or interest actually understand any of it. I suppose just calling out the shapes and giving Priya a headache works.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 6, 2016 12:11:39 GMT -5
Oh, I see. Yeah if you can think of ways to add more visual detail without implying that Priya understands precisely what she's looking at, that would help a lot.
Anyway I'll think about it and possibly suggest another post here later.
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Post by SHADOWMASTER89 on Jun 6, 2016 12:59:48 GMT -5
Have my grammar and punctuation skills always sucked this bad or did I just miss the transition somewhere along the way? I've been so deeply absorbed in life issues lately I feel like I miss a lot. I guess maybe I just write the way I write. When I get the itch or the clarity to write it just flows out of me this way.
At least there was nothing seriously wrong with the post in terms of the plot.
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Post by Loogs on Jun 6, 2016 18:29:42 GMT -5
I have to catch up with a few of these in order to even begin a critique, but until then I'm leaving this here because it might be some of the best Hector-Pleiades writing I've ever done
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 6, 2016 22:59:47 GMT -5
Loogs claims the last free critique I am handing out this topic. All others must be traded for!
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 6, 2016 23:54:25 GMT -5
Oh the new details about the patterning and especially about her thoughts of walking improve the Matriarch post a ton, great job
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Post by Loogs on Jun 11, 2016 22:20:51 GMT -5
for those who don't know yet, I'm spending some quality time with the entirety of (Dis) so if there's anyone who wants me to spend a little extra time with one of their posts, now's the time to ask
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 20, 2016 10:44:51 GMT -5
INTERCEPTEDHector scooped up the colorful plastic animals strewn on the Gabbeh rug in Pleiades’s room and began to stow them away in the toybox, a solid mahogany chest he built for her with his own two hands. This is a fine start until we get to those last five words. It's too consciously "look how great a dad Hector is!!!". I think we can get the information that Hector built the toybox for her in a way that isn't so pushy. Maybe something like "He noticed a protruding splinter and picked it off, frowning, sure that he had sanded the box as carefully as he could down in his makeshift workshop in the hold." “Alright, sailor, let’s clean up. It’s time for bed.” I always fux with Hector calling Pleiades "sailor", it's really cute. He helped Pleiades put away the rest of the toys and dispatched her to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready to sleep. When she returned with a minty mouth in bright lavender pajamas, Hector was sitting at the edge of her bed holding a book. “Are you ready to read about the seven voyages of Sinbad?” We didn't abandon Hector's POV here, so why not show him selecting the book? I'm not trying to be tedious and say you have to portray EVERYTHING HE DOES, but a dad browsing his child's bookcase seems like a great image for showing us more tidbits about their relationship. “Yeah!” Pleiades nodded excitedly, ready to climb into bed when she was struck with an idea. “Daddy, can we read in Ari and the snake’s room so they can hear the story too?” “Pleiades, sweetie, I don’t know if that’s the best idea, I think Ari needs a lot of re—“ “Pleeeeease please please?” She folded her hands in front of her and put on the pleading doe eyes. Oh no, the eyes. Before he knew it, Hector found himself reconsidering. It wouldn’t actually cause any harm, he supposed. Ugh, the please-bomb. I would have loved to hear Pleiades try just one more bargaining tactic before reaching right for the please-bomb. Like, "you do such funny voices, I bet it'll cheer them up" or something. Or even just something like that instead of the please-bomb. I can see why Elliot hard passes on kids. “Hmm… Alright, but make sure you don’t get too loud. If you want, I can bring out the futon and we can even sleep in there. I’d like to keep a close eye on Ari’s condition, actually.” Hector and Pleiades then hiked back up to the quarterdeck, bringing with them a few items: Pleiades carrying the book, a stuffed dragon, and a thick blanket and Hector with the large futon, a duvet and two fluffy pillows in tow. He first prepared a bed, and then he pulled over a chair to sit in while he read so he could watch over Ari in case there was any stirring or god forbid, more bleeding. Pleiades wriggled under the blankets and glanced eagerly at her father to begin the story. Oh, wait, Ari's asleep right now and doesn't wake up when they come in? But didn't Pleiades want Ari to hear the story? Why are the two now reading without them? This defeats the purpose of why Pleiades wanted to come in here. You could almost flip the script here and say it was Hector who actually suggested going and quietly camping out in Ari's room (because he's concerned about keeping an eye on their condition) and Pleiades resisted since she was comfy in bed but agreed when Hector convinced her it would be like a sleepover. That makes more sense than Pleiades having a motive and then dropping it immediately. “Once upon a time in Baghdad, a poor porter named Sinbad, exhausted from carrying heavy loads all day, lay down to rest before a beautiful palace. He asked a passing servant about the owner of the palace, and the servant replied that it belonged to a wealthy sailor, also named Sinbad, famous for his wondrous adventures around the world…” Pleiades gasped and her eyes lit up. “Wow, Dad, he’s just like you! You’re a sailor too and you go on adventures a lot!” Hector simply chuckled. “Oh sailor, I wish I could be even half as awesome or as handsome as Sinbad. I’ve got nothing on the kind of clever stunts this guy pulls.” Pleiades' line here is a bit on-the-nose, but Hector's humble reaction is nice. There's a double space before the "I've got nothing" sentence if you want to fix that. He took a quick glance at Ari, sleeping soundly underneath Xochipilli, before continuing the story. “The porter, envious of the sailor’s great riches, cried out, ‘What a great injustice it is that the rich live in comfort and luxury while a poor worker like me must toil away for mere scraps!’ But Sinbad the sailor caught wind of the porter’s wailing and arranged to speak with him…” Ever inquisitive, Pleiades piped up again to comment on the story. “Dad, is a porter like when we lived on the other ship and you had to work and carry stuff with the other sailors?” “The Bulan Biru? Yeah, a little bit. I had to work really hard so I could make enough to take care of you.” Hector paused, his eyes resting on the rope tattoo winding around his right wrist, his very first one. He started to fondly remember that night; the other sailors bringing him to their most beloved artist in all of O’ahu, the gun etching into the wrist of his one hand while knocking back hearty slugs of bourbon from the bottle with the other. “I’m glad we got this boat though. Sharing that tiny bed in the quarters was pretty rough, huh, sailor?” This is a very cool morsel of backstory. I'm not sure I agree with how it's presented, though. You're taking a very sentimental tone for this entire post and this flashback was a good opportunity to provide a slight counterpoint to that, but instead you double down and manage to sentimentalize the sensation of getting one's first tattoo, which I assume would have hurt like a motherfucker. Couldn't we get a recollection of the pain Hector felt that night? Surely that was why he was chugging the bourbon? And did he really choose to go through with this himself, because on the face of it, it seems like a hazing ritual. Instead it's all presented as just a holly jolly night down at the docks. I'm not sure nostalgia glasses were the right tone here. Even if he's ultimately glad to have that tattoo and the memories it signifies, he's got to have slightly more conflicted memories of the event. “I’m glad we got this boat though. Sharing that tiny bed in the quarters was pretty rough, huh, sailor?” “Yeah…” Pleiades sighed. Being a little girl on a boat full of rowdy, drunken sailors was a little less fun. But the sailors of the Bulan Biru were still very nice and doting, and the whole crew was fiercely protective of her. It seems like we suddenly dipped into Pleiades' POV. If those last two sentences are still in Hector's narrative voice then you could anchor that a little better, like by saying "couldn't have been that much fun" (presumptive) instead of "was a little less fun" (descriptive). Again, this also feels like an opportunity that could add a little more tonal counterbalance, and instead just keeps going for rosy. Sure they were "very nice and doting", fine, sounds a little pat but that's okay, but couldn't we get a detail about why life on the Bulan Biru wasn't ideal for Pleiades? Maybe something as simple as Hector remembering how hard it was for her to get to sleep some nights when the men were making too much noise? It could be that small. I'm just hurting for something to offset the "remember how great everything was AND STILL IS, YAY" in this post. “Now you get to have toys and books and, you know, some actual goddamn privacy.” They both laughed, thankful for their humble little home bobbing back and forth across the oceans. I also fux with Hector dropping in some casual low-level profanities around Pleiades once in a while and neither of them treating that like it's a huge deal. You realize though that this means Pleiades is going to have to drop a "goddamn" at some inappropriate moment, probably while answering a question from Silumas. “Yeah, Sinbad’s got fame and riches and sweet digs, but so what? I’ve got a priceless treasure he doesn’t have.” “What’s that?” “You.” Hector knelt down and brushed her hair aside to plant a kiss on her forehead. “Pretty sure that means Dad 1, Sinbad 0, right?” Pleiades giggled and nodded. “I wouldn’t trade you for all the treasures in the world, sailor.” Sure, I like this exchange, it's cute. It would have been a more satisfying payoff to a post that wasn't already 100% cute, though. “I love you, Dad,” she murmured before yawning and drifting off into slumber. “Good night.” “I love you too, Pleiades. Sleep well.” He kissed her again, tucked her in, and looked over one last time at Ari, still breathing softly, the steadfast snake staring back at him without moving, before climbing in to bed himself on the other half of the futon. “You too, Ari. Pilli.” Oh, the snake was awake the whole time? That's cool, just would have made sense to mention that earlier. Maybe Pleiades catches Pilli's eye and tries to initiate play with him (waving her hand around or whatever) before Hector stops her in case it would wake Ari up. Overall, I know you're trying to portray a very idealized, cathartic relationship between a father and daughter who love and support each other a ton (or maybe not, and "idealized" and "cathartic" aren't words that have gone through your head while writing Hec and Plei, but that's how it comes across). I find it refreshing and often sweet, but it can also come across as forced – not that you as author are forcing to get words out, but that you're forcing our reaction, by writing whole scenes like this that dance past any hint, no matter how tiny, of pain, conflict, tension, or dissatisfaction. Yes, there's the alcoholic incident in Home, but one scene (which has come to feel increasingly isolated) shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting so that every other interaction between the two of them can be completely blissful. I know you've got some plans to shake this relationship up in the future so I'm not pessimistic, but this post right here would be much more rewarding with even a chord or two in a minor key. Unlike Choobs, I've never worked for free, so I'm gonna ask you to analyze this post.
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Post by The Evil Biscuit on Jun 21, 2016 13:31:10 GMT -5
DOUBLE INTERCEPTED If she could have swept them all at a stroke from the cobblestones and into the harbour, she would have, only for ruining the music – this new percussion wing the Highlord had seen fit to install in her district. The plodding footfall and clanking iron of the First Legion encroached everywhere on the harbour's natural melody of lapping water and rasping wood, the merchant's call and the sailor's horn and the seagull's cry. There was too strict a meter in the sound of soldiers as they marched their black and copper line from dock to dock and stall to stall, inspecting the cargo, questioning the wares, fixing their appraising eyes on every fisher who lingered too long or wore the wrong look. Mother had sighed and rubbed her brow when the Highlord's edict had come down, entreating her to set a guild of wrights to the task of cleaning and refitting every one of the kingdom's warships, from the grandest carracks dressed in their violet sails to the humblest cogs she could haul from the corners of the royal boathouses. As to what threat precisely the Highlord imagined closing in over the sea, perhaps Mother could guess, but Isara Leral allowed she could not. If she was certain of one thing, it was only that the Highlord would seize any excuse he could to muffle the harbour's song still further with the cymbal crash of cannon. SWOOOOOOOOSH this is some seriously chewy text, and I love it. The only critique I can offer is that it seems to struggle under its own weight, and I needed to take a second pass over it to fully grasp the scene you're describing. I think the motif of the harbor's 'song' works well in the way you've set it up here, bookending the text of Isara's mother contracting workers to start refitting the ships, but there are a LOT of pieces being set here - the music, the soldiers, the edict, the mother, the ships, then back to the music - and this might benefit from a little pruning in order to keep things flowing. The familiar silver bells chimed overhead as she pushed open the door into Gladdig's fish-house. The monger was too particular about his meats to carry on his business in the open air, and it was known that inner-city dwellers out for a day on the front would hurry on past his shop, fearing to be laid flat by the smell that escaped every time those bells rang. Those of the harbour, though, who knew the sea and its gifts as no courtly retainer could, swore up and down that monger Gladdig's fish-house offered the most savory meat anywhere on the waters. In a way, Isara loved the stench; loved, too, the glittering quilt of scales over every table, a blinding sight on a bright morning. This is a much better flow, and a great scene overall. You excel in these constrained paragraphs, packing in just enough detail and ambience and remaining lyrically vibrant without getting fat on it. The only thing I would nitpick is 'blinding sight on a bright morning' - we firmly establish that Gladdig is indoors and that the smell is quite powerful, implying a lack of ventilation/windows. I, personally, imagined Gladdig's shop to be darker based on the first two sentences, and the last sort of brings me out of that; while I can see what you're trying to say, it probably needs the added benefit of perspective - might it be 'a blinding sight on a bright morning' because the door faces east as the morning sun is flashing off the calm summer waters? Just my thoughts here. The heavyset man with the ornate mustache, two rings jingling in each ear, though engaged with another customer, was quick to greet her upon her arrival. "Lady Isara – a pleasure that you visit my little house." "A pleasure to see you, sir. You've enjoyed a rich haul the past weeks," she replied, gazing around the walls, where the smaller sharks hung from hooks. Then, pointing to a rack of vivid orange salmon flesh, she added, "The carp is especially fine." And, catching her eye, he gave the expected response: "There's finer in the back chamber, if you should please." Isara nodded, and the fat man motioned for his wife Wenn to take over duties at the board. Then she followed him around the corner and down a half-flight into the vault beyond, a cooled room of stone lit only by candles and filled with salt barrels. She closed the door behind them. "To the bottom with those soldiers," Gladdig grumbled at once. The smile beneath his mustache had disappeared. "They've driven down trade all along the front. He couldn't expect that the people should lack to notice! They keep to their homes for fear they tread the wrong path and land in a prison cell. The First Legion never earned the repute of mildness." He frowned at her. "Couldn't your mother...?" "I hardly think I need to say it, Gladdig, but House Leral speaks no word in the dispatch of soldiers." Isara folded her arms. "We can be sure the Highlord won't withdraw his guard until some months after he deems any danger is passed. And won't you and I play a part in that? What have you heard?" The monger rested his elbows on a barrel. "The name of House Avrae, more than anything else," he said. More constrained writing, heavy on dialog ( MY FAV). Things move quickly and smoothly to the clandestine lower-room dealings. If anything, this bit could be improved with more scene-setting for the dark, candlelit lower room (shadows on the walls, dancing across faces). She tensed at that, then chided herself: it was no less than she should have expected, and in honesty the name was one she'd pondered as well, of late. In the shadows she hoped that the brief change over her features went unnoticed. "The common slander, I'll take it? A plot to creep in and steal the throne from beneath the Highlord's rump? Oh if Balasar and his misty band had levied a tenth as many treasonous schemes as I've heard ascribed them, they could only be the most pitiful traitors in history." But Gladdig shook his great head, sending the rings to clamor anew. "The very opposite, lady. It's said that House Avrae are forgetting their place and carrying out murders undecreed, not against the crown, but rather against those who they imagine would threaten it." Isara blinked. "Tris Bentha?" "A good youth, and kind to all, as I'll tell you myself, lady, if you hadn't the chance to meet him. But there are those who question Sinda and Jhan Bentha's fealty—" "If House Avrae believed they were undertaking this task as a boon to the kingdom, they would've made it known to the Highlord," she protested. "It does them no more good than the rest of us that he should throw the city into a panic." Gladdig shrugged his beefy shoulders. "That's so – unless there's a name further down Balasar's list that he already knows he could never persuade Lord Valon to condemn to death..." A+ all around, no complaints here. 'Sending the rings to clamor anew' is a hell of a way to say 'the rings jangled' though. On her way out of the fish-house, back into the salt air amid the tents and barrows, and consigning herself once again to the patrol's endless clamor, the patter of another pair of feet followed her over the stones. She turned to see a child of sun-bronzed skin, dressed in the familiar bleached cloth of the harbour urchins. He held something out to her. "Beautiful lady," he piped, "a gift for my lady of the sea, I carved it for you myself..." It was a whittled wood model of a fish. The texture was appropriately rough and bumpy, but the grooves on the fins were a sight too well-hewn for a boy of not even ten. Someone had taken too much liberty with this. Still, she accepted it, and favored him with a smile. "Thank you, my sweet thing." He bowed knock-kneed to her, and she walked on. After passing another company of soldiers, she swept gently into an undisturbed alley with nothing but a few unused clotheslines dangling overhead, and tipped the fish forward to let the scroll of paper drop out of its mouth and into her palm. ROSEHILL MARKET. TEN O'CLOCK.The scroll was marked with a pair of crossed lines, and a scribble curling around the both of them, evoking in a few strokes the intertwined daggers and chain of House Avrae. Isara strode from the alley and walked along the water's edge, moving toward the newest ship to land anchor. As she walked, the paper slipped from her grasp and rode a sudden breeze, and she watched it dissolve on the black water below. The fish she gave in passing to the daughter of a family of traders, as a toy. I love this scene. I can see every part of it in my head perfectly. Perfectly set, perfectly written. The Redcurrant had already laid bridge by the time she reached its dock, and sinewy sailors were hauling crates and casks off the handsome caravel. The sails were a deep blue, and bore the pattern of a silver moon and a cresting wave; it was the standard that announced this ship to be under the protection of House Leral. The captain, a hard-lined woman of grey-brown hair and some fifty years in a great longcoat, stood at the bow and directed them, but when she spied Isara approaching, she called the first mate to her post and trod, with a slight limp, over the planks to shore. Magden Mitroch greeted her with a hearty "Ho, my lady!" "Welcome back, captain." Isara clapped the older woman's shoulders. "A fair journey?" "Not one wind out of place," Mitroch proclaimed. "And a proper haul from the Archipelago too, I can tell you, good oranges and peaches and mangos – enough for five coronations! We've made it on time, I hope, or did he name an earlier...?" "No, you're in good time, Sabriel hasn't yet taken crown." "Then they'll feast well." The captain squinted up and down the waterfront, ringed overhead by yawping seagulls, and heaved a sigh. "Truth be told, lady, I may well sleep through the whole of it, but just you tell them 'round the table it was Magden Mitroch sailed the blue in double time to see that peach pie onto their plates, will you?" "As to the feasting and all," Isara spoke in a measured tone, "I might ask about your other cargo." "Oh, she's all right. She'll be up and about deck presently, I'm sure." Isara fished a small pouch of silver from the folds of her dress. This she offered to the older woman. "From Lady Kallista," she said, "for your trouble..." But Mitroch threw back her head and laughed at this. "Not my trouble, it was the girl's trouble, wasn't it!" she cried. "I had the cabin to spare and no mind of a passenger, least of all one keeps to herself. But the poor lass doesn't belong on the sea, I fear. She'll tell you much the same." Seemingly on a second thought, she accepted the pouch. "I'll see a share of it goes to Selbert," she went on, still chuckling. "It was him had to clean up after the girl lost her stomach on the second day out. "Funny thing," she added, after dropping the pouch into a pocket of her coat. "Here he was with the mop and bucket, and didn't she keep telling him it was all right, it was all right, she'd clean it up herself. Only she wasn't asking him for the mop, she just kept flipping through this little book of hers, saying she could do it. As if she wanted instructions for wiping her own sick off a wooden floor!" Mitroch shook her head. "A strange girl, lady." Isara only gestured behind them to the gleaming copper trim in the armor of the First Legion still stomping their discordant tune on the cobblestones. "It's a strange port she's washed up on, stranger than you left it, Mag, as you'll see." Then she saw the cargo. A girl of perhaps twenty, with a thick mop of black, curly hair, clad in a thick woollen cinnamon-colored sweater, was hoisting her bag along the bridge from the Redcurrant to shore. She did look a touch sickly, to be sure. Halfway along the bridge she gave a stagger and Isara foresaw her dropping the overstuffed bag into the bay, but the girl managed her way to the other side, luggage and all, and stood regarding the waterfront's long line of shops and stations with fatigued awe. "Esther Damrosch," Isara announced with a polite smile and arms spread wide, "on behalf of the Highlord, I welcome you to Drakengrad." A strong finish to a great piece of writing. You kept the leitmotif of the Legion's 'music' alive, sprinkling it in just the right amounts. The only thing I have to wonder - and I may have missed out on this somewhere else, so please correct me - but who exactly is Isara? I'm only able to glean small vagaries from the post; her mother appears to have some authority over the port, but we don't know the specific context. This appears to afford Isara authority of her own, but how, exactly? Gladdig knows her well, Magden knows her well, she obviously has intimate knowledge of the harbor and those that work in it. Is she the harbormaster? She welcomes Esther on behalf of the Highlord - is she in his employ? A lady of the court? A liaison? Or is that just a formality that people say when greeting new arrivals? All in all, top work from Pohatu as always. I offer a critic's choice - any of the prompts in this post.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 21, 2016 14:27:23 GMT -5
Whoaaaa Thanks so much for the feedback! I don't quite remember how I was picturing the light in that "blinding sight" clause, I'll have to take another look and see if that can be clarified somehow. I agree the storage chamber could use another detail or two. I hope Isara's second two posts might help answer your questions a bit more (note that the latter of those two posts follows on from a snippet in DL's preceding post). If not, then must be I need to do a better job of demonstrating House Leral's business, so let me know if that still isn't clear.
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 21, 2016 22:53:44 GMT -5
Overall: This is gonna be a bit of a rehash of what Pohatu said. It's overall cute and good with this dope feeling of intimacy, but there are some weird things with regard to the logistics, unsubtleties, and POV. Hector scooped up the colorful plastic animals strewn on the Gabbeh rug in Pleiades’s room and began to stow them away in the toybox, a solid mahogany chest he built for her with his own two hands. This sentence has good details, but it also feels unwieldy. As Pohatu said, "with his own two hands" is a bit heavy handed, but I'd actually claim that its (really, the entire clause following the comma) biggest crime is making the sentence read awkwardly. A lot of "and"s and "to"s in this sentence, which struck me as noticeable when doing my reread, but didn't stick out on the first pass. Take of that as you will. Love "minty mouth" POV has now changed to Pleiades. Unsure if intentional or not, but I'm gonna be pointing all these out because they jump out to me, and I personally don't like it. Easy to do on accident, hard to do well. But that's just like, my opinion, man. Agreed with Pohatu that this "argument" could go for one more round. Ari is like super beat up. I as the audience agree with mature Hector, but he capitulates pretty fast. Why is he reconsidering so quickly? Is it just Pleiades doing the daughter thing? Is it because Hector thinks Ari and Pilli could use some company? My favorite theory is that Hector has been this hurt before, but he recovers quickly every time and doesn't think it's that terrible of a deal to not get rest. Hector has gone from "Ari should get some rest" to "let's have a slumber party" in an instant. Another fan theory: Hector is all about that sailor life and doesn't believe in private space. The "in tow" part makes this sentence read awkwardly IMO. Rarely taught grammatical concept: parallelism. Basically it says that when you do things like lists or whatever, each clause should have a similar structure, ie "it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's superman" is stronger than "it's a bird, it's a plane, no, that's superman flying." Still a little weirded out that Hector didn't ask whether he could stay the night. Or at least announce that he's gonna be sticking around for a while as well as reading a story, too bad if you were sleeping. I feel like I'm picking on these clauses appended to the end of sentences, but the "to begin the story" bugs me. The detail is good, but the flow feels off. Boop meet nose. IMO, removing "You're a sailor [...] adventures a lot" makes this exclamation way stronger and more natural. Like. Not a fan of starting with "ever inquisitive". Feels like too much of a tell. I like it when character details are revealed in dialogue and doesn't feel shoehorned. Awkward ending clause again. Like the memory, think we could have gone deeper, though. Touch and taste are the two most underutilized senses in writing, and this scene provides an incredible opportunity to engage with both. Oh, so Hector does believe in some privacy. The POV is now Pleiades'. I like this a lot. Ironically, Hector isn't swearing like a sailor, but it's enough to drive home that Pleiades grew up around people who did, and cuss words are probably just words to her. Really like this phrase for some reason. kawaii~~ sugoi~~~ I like what this paragraph is trying to accomplish and does manage to convey, but it feels unwieldy again, though this time it's not the fault of the ending clause. I think? Just like, so many commas.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 22, 2016 2:41:28 GMT -5
I don't know, I'll go to bat for "in tow", it doesn't come across like a major example of breaking parallelism (certainly not as bad as the infinitive/gerund examples on Wikipedia). Maybe I'm just charmed by a sailor using a turn of phrase with a boat-y origin like "in tow" (I'm not subtle about doing similar things with the Lerals). The only problem I see is that it's somewhat ambiguous how many of the things Hector's carrying are supposed to be covered by that "in tow". I notice that Loogs used the Oxford comma to list Pleiades' items – "Pleiades carrying the book, a stuffed dragon, and a thick blanket" – but not for Hector's – "and Hector with the large futon, a duvet and two fluffy pillows in tow." That makes it sound like both the duvet and the two fluffy plllows are "in tow" behind the much bigger futon. So this could possibly be solved by "and Hector taking the large futon, with a duvet and two fluffy pillows in tow".
Agreed that "minty mouth" and "humble little home bobbing back and forth" are great phrases.
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Post by ch00beh on Jun 22, 2016 8:47:43 GMT -5
commas are hard just get rid of them
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Post by Tout-Perd on Jun 25, 2016 22:55:35 GMT -5
Can I get an analysis of my guest chapter in Home? It's trying out a new voice and doing some heavy narrative lifting, but I'm knocking off some rust and feel like there's some good stuff in there.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Jun 27, 2016 10:32:12 GMT -5
I owe Biscuit one, but not having chosen which of his works to critique yet, I'm just gonna hit Lee's post first. Flames crackled warmly, their dancing lights in stark contrast to the bitter chill of night. Gerasim straddled a huge log at the fringe of the circle, xer compatriots chatting boisterously around their bonfire. The novice Summoner kept xer eyes down, thumbing through each link of xer weapon’s chain. Though the bladed hoop was the golden sheen of indestructible Summoner-steel, Gerasim hadn’t found time yet to persuade one of their smiths to craft twenty feet of matching links, and had opted for a length of anchor chain xe’d found on the shore. A frequent gripe of mine about Lee prose is your tendency to lean on "X verbed, Y verbing" formations, where Y is not the same subject as X. I don't know exactly why it bothers me, it just feels like an inelegant way to string two ideas together. There's no reason why "Gerasim straddled... xer compatriots chatting..." couldn't be phrased as something like "Gerasim straddled... [listening to]/[trying to tune out]/[etc.] the chatter of xer compatriots..." Otherwise, though, I quite like this opener; the detail about the anchor chain is a nice signifier for the piecemeal lifestyle of the Summoners, making the best of what they have. As Gerasim looped another length of verified links around xer forearm, Detlef launched into a story about his last mission, the others falling silent in respect. While Miko was away, tending to the Archipelago, the charismatic titan of a man took charge of the camp in his stead. In fact, before Miko had obtained the Liege of Infinite Verdancy, the Germanic giant had been in serious contention for the mantle of Emperor. Here, at least, the two clauses "Detlef launched into... the others falling silent..." are directly related to one another. There would be a better dramatic effect, though, if the others fell silent before Detlef got started with the story, perhaps at some cue of his like clearing his throat or clapping his hands on his knees. That sudden silence would be enough to pull Gerasim's attention away from xer chain work. Meanwhile, "Liege of Infinite Verdancy" is kind of a silly name that I would be happy to take seriously if you would just explain what it is a little better. “Und zere I vass, facing down entire detachment of Leopard Tanks, all alone-” He raised two golden gauntlets, each big enough that they could have completely encircled Gerasim’s head, and clenched them loudly, the metal clanking, “But for zese und Nachtrabe.” He bowed his shaven head reverently, the cerulean bead that held his summon dangling from his ear. You see how much you like "X verbed, Y verbing" formations? There are already four! Here, though, "the metal clanking" and "the cerulean bead... dangling" are even more closely related to their preceding clauses, as direct physical results, so I wouldn't change these, they're fine. This is just a habit that's worth minding. Detlef let out a hearty, rumbling laugh that seemed to make the flames tremble, and similarly shook Gerasim’s chest. He jovially slapped his knee, a blow that would have crippled a normal person, with a sound like a gunshot. Aadab, a fellow healer, almost fell off her perch on the log across the way. She sheepishly sat back up, and adjusted her headscarf. Love the idea about the laugh shaking both the flames and Gerasim's chest, not sure about the phrasing. Something like "Detlef let out a hearty, rumbling laugh that put a tremor in the flames, and in Gerasim's chest, as well" would condense this and make it a bit more graceful. Otherwise everything's good here. “Clearly, zee German army vass massively out-gunned,” He smiled, his teeth glowing orange in the firelight, “But enough said of zat battle, it vass nussing but child’s play. As for zee feast I had to celebrate, now ZAT iss a story worss zee telling!” Hey English major, I don't understand why your punctuation in dialogue is still so messy, and I'm sure Choobs doesn't either. Both of the commas after "out-gunned" and "firelight" should be periods, come on, guy. Let's get this right. This is your "eye's". Don't get me wrong, though, Detlef's actual dialogue is great here, I love that he's way more into the feast than the battle. Says a lot about him in a short space. Speaking of dinner, Gerasim glanced to their scavenged provisions, and took note of what options the camp had for nourishment that night. Several plucked, gutted, and cleaned gulls sizzled on sticks at the edge of the fire, and a stew of sea lettuce, fish, and wild tubers bubbled in a thick metal cauldron across the circle. It was a faint morsel in comparison to the tales Detlef spun of massive banquets, eating dozens of eggs and entire shanks of ham and sweets piled so high that one thought they’d never run out, or for that matter, the bizarre and exotic fruit that Miko literally spun into existence when he was with them. Gerasim had personally favored something the emperor had called “kiwis”, odd little furry morsels more tart and sweet than anything xe’d ever tasted in xer entire life. All of this is awesome. But is Miko the only Summoner capable of conjuring edible food? That seems important, as otherwise they'd be able to live much better when he wasn't around – could we get a little more clarification on that point? Detlef had launched into a familiar song, one he’d written for a friend he’d met during his dispatch. Naturally, the words were in German, but his tone made the message of jovial camradery clear. Of course, being one of the best and brightest the Summoners had to offer, he’d been sent to their “homeland” among their “emissaries”. There, he’d raised holy hell, trashing bases, heavy armaments, infrastructure, and other high priority targets, costing the nation millions of dollars in precious resources. Detlef had become a figure of urban legend, “Die Goldene Faust” being feared as some sort of boogeyman or angelic avenger. Gerasim recalled with pride opening a letter Detlef had sent home to them, and reading to the entire camp how Germany had started to believe Die Goldene Faust to be an entire terrorist cell. In those days, the Summoners as a whole were simply imaginary to the rest of the world. They were the Illuminati, the Chupacabras, the Deros, some figure that only delusional conspiracy theorists had spoke of. That was before Salcester, however- "camaraderie". Otherwise this is good, takes a lot of exposition but I don't mind that, I just want to know when this occurred. Are we talking WWII times, or afterward times? Unless he's a very old guy, it must not have been WWII times. What was the context for Germany at this time? Why were the Summoners on a rampage there? Gerasim caught a familiar name among the lyrics, and smiled. While Detlef had wreaked havoc across Germany, he’d spent a week lying low, and had met a fellow traveler. The girl was visiting her own ancestral homeland to hone her culinary skills, and had found an all too willing test subject in the Summoner. Though it was clear nothing had happened between the two, with the only love shared between them being an all consuming adoration for food, the camp had heartily teased Detlef about his “Northern Bride Emily”. When the Summoners had heard their Emperor, Miko, had married a Northerner, though, that joking ceased. LOVE THIS. Delightful cameo. With a low whistle of satisfaction, Gerasim thumbed through the last link in xer chain. It was miraculously unmarred, a gift from the sea to the Summoner empire. It would now be up to xer to put it to good use, to live up to the blessing fate had heaped upon xer. Gerasim stooped behind the log to stow xer chain in a leather bag, when xe heard something land in the campfire with a crackle. Nothing wrong here, but I'm missing the image of Gerasim scouring the beach for useable salvage. What a cool, pensive, atmospheric image that has the potential to be, and how well it could set the tone for Gerasim as a character. If you could find a way to work in a more visual memory of xer on the beach, whether here or back up at the top of the post, I think that would be a great gift for xer character. Think about it. Xe mused over what poor manners it was to go throwing logs onto the fire when people were trying to cook- And found that thought interrupted by a meaty, percussive thump. A hunk of burning wood clipped xer ribs, and smashed the healer into the dirt. Xe laid still for a moment, only after the fact recognizing the sound of explosive ordinance, like the odd “grenades” that Miko’s Northern slattern had favored. Was this an attack? Wincing from what felt like several cracked ribs, Gerasim clambered to xer hands and knees, stooped behind the immense trunk xe’d been seated on. "lay still". On the other hand, "meaty, percussive thump" is a fun turn of phrase. But on the other other hand, careful of "stoop", you've now used it twice in very short succession to describe Gerasim going behind the log. It's a good word, but uncommon enough to be conspicuous when used twice so quickly like that. Otherwise this is good. I note the very passing hint about Gerasim's unfavorable feelings toward... was it Haze? I don't remember. Haze was the one who swore a bunch, right? Across the way, another novice Summoner laid dead on the ground, part of their skull sheered away by the shrapnel. At least four others were less severely wounded, but still in desperate need of care. Hunched over defensively, the mighty Detlef had his lantern jaw clenched and gilded fists raised, having shielded himself from the blast. His furious gaze darted around the circle, trying to discern where their attacker was lurking in the night. A choked cry of pain caught Gerasim’s attention, and xe glanced to Aadab. The shy, peaceful healer had a ragged piece of bloodstained steel jutting out of her chest, piercing her heart. Gerasim’s eyes went wide, and xer knees buckled. Xe collapsed, slamming xer chin into the log. As Gerasim tasted xer own blood, xe realized a crucial detail- The metal had obviously impaled the woman from behind. "lay dead". Also, I'm fine with "their" as a gender-nonspecific pronoun when there's reason to be gender-nonspecific, but since we're talking about a particular individual here, you should probably choose "his" or "her" unless this person's gender is actually non-binary. Otherwise it just sounds like you didn't think about this dead summoner enough to choose a gender for him/her, and that kind of takes me out of the scene. Also you meant "sheared" instead of "sheered", but by all means I applaud the verb choice "sheared" here, it's a great one. Moving on, "still in desperate need of care" is a somewhat odd choice, it's a rather abstract assessment and takes away from the immediate effect of the prose here – you might consider replacing this to just capture the idea that at least four others were wounded but alive. Continuing to move on, because I can't seem to get out of this paragraph, the "Hunched over defensively" sentence could really use a restructuring. "X had his Y verbed" can be an awkward formation, and this would be much stronger as something like "Detlef had leapt to his feet, hunched defensively with gilded fists raised to shield himself from the blast. His lantern jaw clenched, he searched furiously around the circle..." etc. (In trying to rewrite that, I noticed that the "lantern jaw" detail, which is great, seemed to belong to the following sentence – focused on his face – more than the first sentence, focused on his posture.) All the Aadab stuff is fine. Poor Aadab. Though, again, we could probably avoid this "The healer had a piece of steel jutting" formation and instead phrase it as "A ragged shard of bloodstained steel jutted from the shy healer's chest, piercing her heart." Over the groans of pain and whimpers of terror, Gerasim and Detlef heard the sound of mighty wings flapping, and turned their vision skyward. An immense eagle plummeted from the sky, its silhouette black against the starry night. Moments before hitting the ground, it vanished, replaced by a human figure that slammed into the dying campfire hard enough to send a wave of embers spraying out around them. Gerasim’s first impression of the newcomer, a lean-figured, flat chested girl younger than xerself, was the streaks of bright green in her hair. For a moment xe wondered if this was a Summoner sent to help them, somebody who had known of the attack. I don't know why you thought to put the hyphen in between "lean" and "figured" but not in between "flat" and "chested". (Actually there have been quite a few missing hyphens so far and I haven't bothered to point them out, but this one struck me.) Less technically, this is a great entrance for Natalie, though I can't help but think there's something a little strange about telling us "Gerasim's first impression was...", pausing to list three other observations about the newcomer (lean-figured, flat-chested, younger than Gerasim), and only then getting to what Gerasim's notional first impression was. Might want to think of a different way to present that information. It's a very good touch for Gerasim to misread the green in Natalie's hair and briefly wonder if she's a fellow summoner, though. (I've kind of wondered about that too.) However, Gerasim’s second impression was to notice the wickedly jagged and curving blade hanging from the girl’s hand, dripping with blood. Aadab’s blood, xe realized. The Summoner gritted xer teeth, and took hold of xer weapon. Miko had warned the camp dozens of times that there would be counterattacks, repercussions for their actions in Salcester and around the world. They’d dismissed him. Except for a man on a whaling ship taking potshots at one of their foragers with a rifle, they’d gone completely unmolested by the outside world. Yet, still... Gerasim cautiously peered at the intruder, who stood in the ruins of the campfire, seemingly oblivious to the dying flames licking at her denim-clad legs. Gerasim obviously does some foraging, right? Is there any reason why the man on the whaling ship couldn't have been taking potshots at xer instead of just some other random summoner? Would make this exposition feel a little more directly tied to Gerasim's POV. Otherwise, no complaints here. “Who... Who sent you? Who are you?” Detlef rumbled ominously, his voice like an onrushing wave about to smash against the shore. He rose to his full height, towering head, shoulders, and chest above the interloper. Though Gerasim couldn’t be certain, it appeared one of Detlef’s arms was thicker than the scrawny girl’s entire torso. Every part of this is great, especially the simile about Detlef's voice. Excellent. Only I can't help but think that simile does the job of expressing "ominous" far better than the actual word "ominously" does, and you could maybe drop that adverb. “The thousands of graves your people left in Salcester...They sent me,” The girl spoke, quaveringly. Here the comma is okay but then you would want to decapitalize "The" in "The girl". This is another issue of yours in dialogue. “The countless tears shed by their loved ones... Those sent me,” She raised her eyes, taking her blade in both hands. Gerasim noticed that her shoulders and jaw were shaking, like a hound straining at its tether. Here we go again. Need that period after "me". Nice animal comparison by Gerasim to reinforce Natalie's animalistic nature, though, I know you've made more of an effort to describe Natalie in such terms and it pays off. “The raw human decency, that can’t tolerate monsters like you having the audacity to live in my world... that sent me,” She snarled, readying her sword. Decapitalize that "she"! “And my name is Sylvia Natalie Ulima, you poor dead bastards.” Boom. I love this little Natalie speech but you gotta clean up the dialogue a little. Overall, great scene, just held back a little bit by a few of your lesser prose habits. Patch those up, and maybe grab one or two of the opportunities to give more gifts to Gerasim's character or explain the Summoners' business slightly better, and you'd have a hell of a scene here. For my price, I'd like you to critique this post, but it's about twice as long as the one you submitted so I will also critique another of your posts FO' FREE if you take the challenge. (That's fair, right Choobs? Please. Most of my posts I care about aren't under 1500 words.) Like I said, I also owe Biscuit one, so expect that soon.
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