This is two weeks late, and I should apologize for that, but it's also really friggin' hard writing these so I think you guys can deal. You're just lucky I'm single (ladies), or else I wouldn't have had so much free time this Valentine's Day (ladies).
[HASH]10. ALGERNON BRECKRPer: Biscuit
Recent appearances: The Case of the Burgled Boullogne
White score: 3
Why so white?Let's kick things off with that stalwart bastion of postal propagation, Algernon Breck, a simple character who evokes memories of a simpler time when "a chicken in every pot and a bullet in every sambo" was considered a standard campaign pledge. Okay, I'm not
saying Algernon Breck is a racist, I'm just saying he's an old white guy so run the statistics yourself. And he's
really fucking old. Like, so old that he calls Renard "my boy" and tells him [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orphof&thread=2848&page=1[HASH]53212]"Don't ever get old."[/url] Not that that would be in any way a byproduct of my somewhat age-ambiguous drawing which Biscuit could have fairly misinterpreted as a dude in his late thirties. Doesn't matter! Doesn't even matter. Breck calls Renard "my boy" and that means he's canonically like eighty, and that means he's pretty much obliged to be the crunchiest-ass granola white guy in RP.
Crowning Moment of White:Calls Waylon [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orphof&thread=2848&page=1[HASH]53192]"the young colored doorman"[/url]. Wow, dude. You'd think a man whose occupation consisted of daily deliveries of an extremely time-specific product would have noticed that they upgraded everything and it's not 1909 any more. Breck's vocabulary is older than his jeep and about as likely to land him in the emergency room.
Stuff Breck likes:The Sunday New York Times.[HASH]9. KORTOVAWhat?
RPer: Blood
Recent appearances: Wolf RP
White score: 3
Why so white?Oh shit, I should've known this was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
Kortova is, ahem, a wolf, which I will be the first to admit puts her a little behind in the Caucasian race, but let's see what we can do. Grey wolves are mostly found in Canada and Russia these days which is a plus for whiteness, but you can still find them roaming narrow territories all the way as far south as Yemen and the head of India's penis and I bet those grey wolves aren't very white at all. I wish I knew where the wolf RP was supposed to take place, but I guess it makes sense that the wolves wouldn't know our names for countries etc.? Also it turns out Kortova actually has black fur, but then it also turns out that black wolves are really still part of the grey wolf species so she's still probably from Canada or Russia. Wow, I'm learning a lot today. Also it turns out Kortova is a boy. I seriously just discovered that right now. Um... I guess it makes sense as well that wolves wouldn't respect our cross-cultural tendency to skew "-a" names heavily toward females??
Anyway he's a wolf and he's racist against humans so he sounds pretty white to me.
Crowning Moment of White:[url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=really&thread=2754&page=1[HASH]56103]Uses immaterial illusions to give himself the false appearance of power[/url], a classic white person stunt.
Stuff Kortova likes:Um... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say.........
Mad Men. Yeah, that sounds right.
[HASH]8. GIDEON MCCROWLEYRPer: Pohatu
Recent appearances: some tournament
White score: 3
Why so white?Welp looks like this is the top ten list where Pohatu ends up sweeping so let's get to it. Old Gideon McCrowley is about as old as Algernon Breck and also draws on stereotypes of the American deep south which have no natural bearing in the fictitious East Asian nation called the Archipelago, which makes him
even whiter than Breck. (They may look the same from the numbers but what are you going to believe, a couple of numbers or a butt-truck of words?) The only reason I'm sticking by my statement that Breck is the crunchiest-assed granola white guy in RP is that McCrowley is really more of a starchy-assed hayseed kinda white guy. Now I'm going to try very hard not to make any racism jokes at this point because that fruit hangs awful low when you're talking about a character written with a straight-up Okefenokee Swamp accent. So let me stick to the observation that he is the only RP character on the record as having once said "consarn it all", a well-known bit of white code meaning "you might want to check my wife's birth certificate against mine, just in case."
Crowning Moment of White:Despairs for the state of the modern youth,
like at the end there, you know. I guess this is more of an old person thing than a white person thing, but it seems to be the prevailing attitude of Fox News watchers and they are even more overwhelmingly white than old. Like, during that football game a cherished relative was trying to convince me that Road Runner cartoons had induced a six-year-old to jump off the roof of his house. I was this close to saying "Biddy," (because I am too polite to break out the full-on swears, I mean she's my cherished relative), "I was
raised on Road Runner cartoons and I never jumped off no damn roof. That is because I was also raised with a modicum of elementary common sense. Don't you fucking" (no, no of course I wouldn't have said that) "
motherfucking drag in Chuck Jones as the scapegoat for this kid's negligent upbringing." Then I would have stormed out of the room because who cares about football anyway. But I didn't really do or say any of those things. Gideon McCrowley sure is white.
Stuff McCrowley likes:Farmer's markets.[HASH]7. COLIN ATREIDESRPer: Stel
Recent appearances: Househeld
White score: 4
Why so white?Dude have you SEEN his ANCESTOR?
Charles L. Atreides probably owned slaves. As for Colin himself, for pretty much the entire duration of Househeld he's had a lock on the coveted Stick Up Butt award (Flynn was also a contender but ran off with the entirely different Bee In Bonnet award). That's right, it's time to appeal to another negative stereotype about white people: that we are a bunch of fussy tightwads with no sense of humor about ourselves! Or about anything at all beyond nerd culture references and nudge-nudge-wink-wink "good thing THAT'LL never happen" foreshadowing!! Okay yeah that stereotype got specific. I'm really just talkin' about Colin. And I know I shouldn't sickburn his sense of humor since it is right and good that that should vary among Househeld kids. An entire cast of twelve written like Flynn or Mark would be an unspeakable tragedy, which is why I will definitely not annex any more Househeld characters at any time in the future, ever.
Nudge nudge wink wink!!!! But seriously, Colin's approach, or lack thereof, to jokes and fun is definitely a contributing factor to his prevailing whiteness. I should also draw your attention to the bizarre concoction of old money and new-age fancy that resulted in the
psycho-bio-tech wave pattern counters in his kitchen. And the real smoking gun has to be his frankly glorious curtain of hair, to which the men of other races can hardly aspire (hence why Tom Cruise didn't fool anyone with that "last samurai" shit).
By the way I know Lee is already planning his "Colin has the biggest stick up his butt, eh?? Mm, well, to be fair, you saw what Reba could fit under her SHIRT!" response. I forbid this response, Lee. Absolutely forbid it.
Crowning Moment of White:[url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=househeld&thread=2893&page=1[HASH]63510]Thoughtlessly co-opts indigenous fashion for the sake of a cheap sight gag.[/url] Oh wait, he doesn't actually do that. Hypothetically it's a grade-A white person move though.
Stuff Colin likes:Being an expert on YOUR culture (you are Sburb).
[HASH]6. RENARD ROULETABILLERPer: Pohatu
Recent appearances: Obscured Truth
White score: 4
Why so white?Because only white people would want to spend their entire lives pretending it's a hundred and fifty years ago? I think Renard himself could probably build a working time machine sooner than he could find any nonwhite person who wanted to go back to 1870 with him. "Yes, please, Reconstruction sounds like the perfect time to pop in and be a black person no one's ever seen before," said Thyra, never. "East India Trading Company? What could be more delightful than corporatocracy!" Laksha absolutely did not say. "I'm actually pretty much on board with the rapid growth and industrialization of my home country around this time period," are words which by all accounts utterly failed to issue from Sarosin Narita, even though he is clearly Japanese. So to you, M. Rouletabille, I say splendid job of being white. You sure did manage to do that successfully. Enjoy your rich antique fantasy life, especially not being repressed, discriminated against, or treated as culturally backward! Say hi to Debussy for me!! No, seriously, I'm not trying to make a joke, please say hi to Debussy for me. Tell him he's the best. Maybe ask if he and Monet have ever considered fighting crime together.
Crowning Moment of White:[url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orphof&thread=2848&page=3[HASH]55993]Calls Waylon "colored".[/url] Oh, what?
Seriously?? Jesus. Was there anyone in that RP who didn't see fit to dish on Waylon for the hue of his skin? I bet Faris and Azim were all like "Did you SEE that doorman dude he was colored as FUCK" as they drove off. "Man, 'colored' doesn't even describe it. That guy was
Technicolored."
Stuff Renard likes:Dogs. Coffee. Threatening to move to Canada. Wait no that's Channery.
[HASH]5. JACQUELINERPer: Kuroboom
Recent appearances: Um... uh... The Crystal Part 2? Is she in that one?
White score: 4
Why so white?Dammit, now that Kortova had to go and have a wolf dick, Jacqueline is the only girl on this list. That makes just one girl per top ten list so far. I knew I should've gone with Charlotte St. George instead of Pepijn Marquering as my token fourth-string character who barely exists. Actually, now that I think of it, why the hell weren't Blaise and Illiana on there?? Guys we really fucked this up.
So, Jacqueline. What? I don't understand this at all. Were you guys just picking her to see what I would have to say about it? Jacqueline doesn't talk. That blows like 95% of white woman stereotypes out of the water at one go. How white can she even be without yammering on all the time about the best places to find organic homegrown free-range dish soap? On the other hand only white people can afford to be mimes so I guess there's a point for her there. Shit, I dunno. This is a hard one. My friend from Vassar thought she was a gypsy with a huge mole (she didn't get that it was mime makeup). Do gypsies count as white people? Wait they TOTALLY don't; they come from India originally and are pretty brown. This chick is dropping the invisible ball that exists only in the audience's imagination here! Jacqueline, you could be way whiter. Let's start by establishing your surname, because that's a thing decent writers do with their characters. Gotta pick something nice and white. I'm thinking... MacSweeney. Yeah, that'll work.
By the way, Lee, you can stop writing "You know who
else has gone and had a wolf dick?..."
Crowning Moment of White:I don't know, uh... [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orpboard&thread=2231&page=1[HASH]45338]thoughtlessly co-opts a millennium-plus-old Asian martial art for the sake of some cheap character work[/url]? Nah, dude, my heart's not really in this. I've overplayed the racism card. Oh wait! YES. [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orpboard&thread=2052&page=1[HASH]43794]Bingo.[/url] Here we see Jacqueline not only grieving the loss of a bunch of innocent people in some kind of collapse which I'm not scrolling up to read about, but
demonstrating that she is extremely conscious of how kind and benevolent and compassionate she is. Amazing. Miss MacSweeney, you have redeemed yourself, and truly earned the rank of white woman
par excellence.
Stuff Jacqueline likes:Based on the above,
awareness.[HASH]4. CHARLES TANNERRPer: Pohatu
Recent appearances: Um... oh right, Entertain the Masses.
White score: 5
Why so white?Okay, I've spent pretty much this whole countdown ragging on white people, because I really have nothing more insightful to say about the white condition than endless, indeed rather forced, self-deprecation. So maybe I'll just take a break for this one entry and use Charles Tanner as an example of why being a white person is way cool and definitely worth trying at least once. Tanner is everything white culture holds in high regard: he's sophisticated, erudite, assured, worldly, well-spoken, tactful, cutthroat, avaricious, underhanded... wait, haha, there I go again. No, really, Tanner is a perfect specimen of idealized whiteness, especially so far as his tendency to exploit the defenseless in pursuit of personal gain -- shit! No no, okay, Charles Tanner is the kind of elderly fellow every correct-thinking young white person dreams of aging into: a smug jerk who uses his position of privilege as a platform for insipid philosophy and condescending little smiles.
Spongefuck! All right I can't do this, sorry.
Crowning Moment of White:Tries to run away from home because his spooky cult family [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orpboard&thread=2332&page=1[HASH]60749]sometimes forces him to make his own food.[/url] Allow me to be the first to say: abluhhhhhhhhh. Sorry your parents were trying to give you some RESPONSIBILITY, Chuck. Sorry you couldn't just leech off them forever while working 15-hour weeks at the local grocery co-op and trying to put a band together to do ironic Adele-styled covers of horrorcore songs. You better start sending out those resumes now, Chuck, because those Asians ain't gettin' any less all over the place.
Stuff Tanner likes:Hating his parents.[HASH]3. TERRIAN BROGUERPer: Pohatu
Recent appearances: He's in his trailer.
White score: 5
Why so white?This is illogical; [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orp2&thread=3353&page=1[HASH]72884]Edict [HASH]6[/url] clearly states that Terrian Brogue is an 87-year-old Hispanic man who sells weed in Pallet Town.
Crowning Moment of White:[url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orpboard&thread=1354&page=2[HASH]33106]Racist against vampires.[/url] Okay, shit, sorry! I know I'm trying to cut back on the "white people are racists" crutch. Everybody's racist, okay? Everybody is. It's just that Terrian is, like, the racist-ist against vampires.
Stuff Terrian likes:Black music that black people don't listen to anymore. Gee, kinda like Flynn. And me.
[HASH]2. JOHN "SHIRO-KUN" WHITEHEARSTRPer: Testbug
Recent appearances: Househeld
White score: 6
Why so white?Okay let's get the obvious observations out of the way real quick: His hair is white! His text/Sburb color is white! "Whitehearst" contains "white"! "Shiro" is Japanese for "white"! "John" is an Anglicization of a traditional Khwe name that means "white devil"! White white white white white!! Great, no doubt we are all super satisfied by these superficial comments and I can end this entry early. Wait, fuck, I'm feeling kinda guilty about ducking out on Terrian like that, even though he's my own character. Damn my Pohatu instincts. All right. Shiro is this guy with a comically overblown Japan boner. He has
Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt playing on his desktop which I am pretty sure is just
Powerpuff Girls: Hentai Edition, Also We Lost One Of Them Somewhere. His diet consists of sushi, Pocky, and some other thing I had to look up
oh wow it's just the most Japanese thing ever, nbd. Yet he is no Japanman. How do we know this? Certainly not because his author is white.
[MEMO TO SELF: make sure Testbug is actually white before you post this.] After all, Ninety isn't black, Lugiasian is not a Slav, and Tangrow isn't even a woman!!!!!!
[MEMO TO SELF: figure out a nonoffensive joke about Tangrow and stick it in here before you post this.] No, I can demonstrate Shiro is white using the following elegant proof:
(1) Shiro was the first player to enter the Medium
(2) Koreans are the fastest at video games
(3) so he would have to be Korean
(4) but Japanese imports to South Korea have been variously banned since WWII, and the CD/DVD ban in particular wasn't lifted until 2004
(5) so he cannot be a Korean who has dedicated his life to the Japanese animes unless he is like nine years old
(6) he is not like nine years old
(7) ? ! ? ! ? ! PARADOX ! ? ! ? ! ?
(8) second whitest character in RP
Crowning Moment of White:[url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=househeld&thread=2882&page=5[HASH]65768]His[/url] [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=househeld&thread=2882&page=5[HASH]65782]first[/url] [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=househeld&thread=2882&page=5[HASH]65785]reaction[/url] to ghettotech music.
Stuff Shiro likes:America. Ha ha, just a little joke, of course.
Japan.[HASH]1. ZEBEDEE TAYLORA
haaa man we all knew this one was coming.
RPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Light and Darkness Collide; Luxury Train Ride
White score: 7
Why so white?Okay, in fairness, since I've played this card a lot and it's the last entry, I will acknowledge that Zebedee is
probably not that racist, or at least not in a way that prevents him from coveting Thyra's voluminous booty. Platonically I mean. No, there's clearly some other X factor that drove him to the top of the list. Could it have anything to do with our much-decried stereotype of him as a blandly agreeable saint brimming with feel-good platitudes and holy energy?? Look, all I'm saying is seven out of nine people have never been wrong in the history of statistics. At this point I figure Zebedee could either bend over backward to prove his alleged "hipness" with a string of wicked PR stunts (step 1: fistbump with Mayordomo in a public setting. Actually fistbumping with Mayordomo would be compulsory before and after all subsequent steps), or else he could just go for it and start a country club. It's the next threshold, friend. And I hate to be the one to say it, but we all already know which choice you're gonna pick. I look forward to Lee's big RP of 2013, "Luxury Country Club Be At".
Crowning Moment of White:Whitewashes [url=http://archipelagoexodus.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=orpboard&thread=2448&page=2[HASH]62037]the sky[/url]. I'm serious. You don't have to read that whole thing, here, I'll quote it:
"We'll see, Vincent..." Zebedee dissipated into another verdant burst, leaving Vincent to charge at thin air. He reappeared a quarter mile off, and threw a straightarm punch towards his opponent. As the motion finished, a bolt of lightning shot forth, arcing directly from his fist into Vincent. The skies were washed white, all the gathered warriors appearing as flecks of black against the illuminated clouds.
"Washed white".
Well, the fucking sky isn't white enough for Zebedee's tastes. Forget the country club, I'm surprised he hasn't landed a desk job in Hollywood.
Stuff Zebedee likes:Having gay
friends.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY ! ! !