Sorry this took so long...
No. 10: AGENT PIKE RPer: SM89
Recent appearances: Past Whitefall
Scary score: 3
Why so scary? There was a fair bit of competition down at this level -- not all characters who received a score of 3 made the list -- but I pretty much had to hand this slot to Agent Pike. I dunno, I wouldn't mind spending an hour in a windowless room with Rie or Huckabee, it wouldn't be
that bad... but not Pike, whose composition is 50% cold, piercing stares and 50% sinister smiles. The guy couldn't stand up and give a speech proposing an entire year of Christmas without making children cry. And then he would order the children who
didn't cry to be hauled off on grounds of politically subversive laughter and merriment. He is so obviously the sworn enemy of all good cheer that I'm surprised he didn't screech and melt when Elliot (Blood's character) made a joke in his presence. Maybe it was just because the joke wasn't that great but it could also mean that Agent Pike is indestructible. Someone in Past Whitefall should take this hypothesis further by showing him, like, a Cr1tikal video or something. If he doesn't screech and melt even a little bit then fuck it, there's no way to defeat him, the RP's over. I guess what I'm saying is that I think of Agent Pike as a Care Bear villain?? I'm not sure, I'm kind of trying to figure this out as I go along. He's still a creepy dude though. I am also disturbed by his ability to string together a truly horrifying
runon sentence.
Crowning Moment of Scary: Blocks the crew from using their prototype plasma weapons. Let me repeat that: They're in space, and they don't have plasma weapons. They are going to get torn limb from limb by the first nuclear-puking alien they come across. Seriously, being in space without a plasma blaster is like being underwater without a grenade launcher. They're fucked. THANKS, AGENT PIKE. I'M SURE YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS MOMENT WHENEVER YOU GET AROUND TO THINKING IT MIGHT BE NICE TO SCRAPE TOGETHER A HUMAN CONSCIENCE.
No. 9: VINCENTRPer: Elliot
Recent appearances: Light and Darkness Collide, The Exploration... probably like twenty little fiction one-offs by Elliot? Right? Yeah I thought so.
Scary score: 3
Why so scary?This one is probably the weak link on the list since he's the only character who's actually logged time swinging back and forth between heroic and villainous attitudes. As opposed to the rest of the characters who are all either straight-up evil or worrisomely amoral, or just trolling like fuck (Nopnop). I guess maybe I just didn't feel like writing about Scar again? But I also think it's worth tossing in someone who's gone into full-blown GOD OF DARKNESS MODE, and I mean the
whole nine yards, like with
spikes and everything. So say what you will about Vincent and his lousy stupid feelings and shit, but he is the only character on this countdown who (at the peak of LaDC) could kill you from halfway across the planet without getting up off his black spiky chaise longue. In fact, I put together a little Vincent safety check that will hopefully teach everyone a few helpful protective measures for the next time Vincent goes grimdark. Please click the image below to view the full-size version, and stay safe, everyone!
Crowning Moment of Scary:Turns his arm into a giant flaming buzzsaw. Tries to slice Prime in half at the waist. Maybe I'm losing sight of the scary factor in favor of the badassery, but
wow, that has to rank among the ugliest ways to go that anyone in RP has ever been threatened with. This is the one moment on the list where if I saw Vincent coming at me in this way, it would actually be a
relief to shit myself in fear, because of the tacit reassurance that he hadn't minced my intestines yet. Doesn't even matter that the guy wielding the flame-saw probably just needs to like, French a little with Yoshimitsu and then he'll be nice again. Until that happens, the world is Vincent's department store blowout, and he's taking 50% off
everyone.
No. 8: ORVILLE GIGUERERPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Emet, Luxury Train Ride
Scary score: 3
Why so scary?Look, when you're 1/256th dragon, you've got only two career paths. One of them is to spike your hair, dye it tomato-red, and embark on an adventure of asskicking tempered only by the occasional need to stand around powering up for a few hours at a time. The other choice, which for some reason is much less explored in popular fiction, is to be a freaky recluse who sometimes eats human hearts.
Giguere chose wisely. Not even a quaint first name that suggests he must have a three-quarters-hippogriff brother named Wilbur can detract from Giguere's creepy factor. A mouthful of shark teeth occasionally lit up by flaming breath will have that effect. (Although, since I'm
not kidding about the breathing fire thing, I do have to question how he maintains such an impeccable mustache...) Giguere may prefer to carry on his interactions with a smile -- though that doesn't do much good for him because I wasn't kidding about the pointy teeth either -- but he's still got nothing but contempt for most of humanity and has no problem threatening to
cleave someone in half if the mood strikes him. Worse, he lives in Salt Lake City. He could have bought a tricked-out non-Euclidean dragon mansion anywhere and he picked Salt Lake City. Demon from the Mormon spirit world, come to earth? Smart money says yes.
Crowning Moment of Scary:Did I mention he likes
eating human hearts? Is that a thing I have said?
No. 7: ZAGAROTHRPer: Shoni
Recent appearances: Funeral Pyre for a Fuzzball
Scary score: 3
Why so scary? See, this is kinda nice, isn't it? When the leaderboards make it possible to promote a character who doesn't get much exposure otherwise? Unless you're a participant in Funeral Pyre, I bet five cheap cat scares that you thought Zagaroth was a Dragonball Z villain. Ain't not at all! He is actually some kind of demonic Presence that possesses Flint's body every once in a while, and also he originally comes from
a civilization consisting ENTIRELY OF ASSASSINS so you are
at least double screwed, possibly triple. Yes, that is right, or at least it's what I infer from Shoni's post, so it's right by decree of Pohatu: Every single man, woman and child in Zagaroth's home culture was an assassin. One can only shudder to imagine what horrific social ramifications this would entail, unless one is me, because I'm kind of drawing a blank. The best I can come up with on short notice is that this civilization would save on paper because their job applicants wouldn't need to print out resumes. They could just paste together clippings from the obituary section. oooOOOOoOOOOOOOoooooOOOoo. Anyway, talking of obituaries naturally brings me back to Zagaroth, because both are bad news. The guy has ice powers and he plays awful mean with them, including punching right through walls somehow which means that shutting him inside a brick oven probably will not save you. Maybe if you relocated your house to a volcano you might fare pretty well against Zagaroth, but then again maybe not, for as we will see in the next paragraph, his ice is very special ice.
Murder ice. Whether slashing up close or sniping from a polite distance, Zagaroth wants you dead and the smart money says he'll find a way to make it happen.
Crowning Moment of Scary: Forms a rifle out of ice. Successfully fires a cannon shell out of it. In case the word "fires" didn't metaphorically cue you in, well, I am no Bill Nye but my hot female scientist friends assure me between smooches that it is completely impossible to build a rifle out of any substance that would melt if you left it outside on a reasonable September afternoon. Something about the chamber getting too hot, I recall them saying as they doffed their labcoats. So how did Zagaroth swing this one past reality? Probably by threatening to rearrange reality's vertebrae if it didn't play by his rules. Zagaroth, dude. He's hardcore.
No. 6: DAVID HADLEYRPer: Ninety
Recent appearances: Emet
Scary score: 3
Why so scary?Jesus Christ, only one post and he made it onto the list! Well, okay, it was with a score of 3, so I could've bumped him off if I felt like it. However, I did not. Because there have only been three spiders in all of history who weren't fucking terrifying: Mr. Nancy, the French chick from
James and the Giant Peach, and
this one. Note that that list does not include the black widow spider that Mark Hadley is capable of conjuring by keeping it as a tattoo on his skin and letting it peel off whenever it needs to stretch its horrible ungodly legs. Seriously, he could have chosen anything for his tiny stealthy recon animal: a moth, a horsefly, a thimble-sized golden retriever, Tinkerbell, and he had to pick a goddamn black widow. At least Hadley himself comes across as perfectly sane and not very evil. But this is a small comfort when you reflect that all the guy has to do is shake your hand and one little pinprick-sized bite later, boom, you're paralyzed. (Hadley
does also have a Tinkerbell tattoo, though, right? Like, why wouldn't he? It's okay, saying yes won't make him less scary.)
Crowning Moment of Scary:It's somewhere in
this post, I'm pretty sure.
No. 5: VOLKNER FLEISCHERRPer: DL
Recent appearances: Stray Dogs; Old Habits
Scary score: 4
Why so scary? I count three main interests on Volkner's plate: (1) personal grooming; (2) slicing people up in creative ways; (3) Hitler, probably. That makes a total of two hideous, disturbing obsessions, plus the slicing people up thing which is pretty awful also. Full disclosure, I'm not really a fan of Volkner's origin as an artificial construct or his power of empathy, both of which are kinda played-out, but he sells his act damn fine just by being a really dreadful piece of work, whose modus operandi reminds all of us that "using protection" should probably include "making sure your sexual partner is not carrying a knife". Foreplay exists for a reason, kids: if you're not frisking that special someone for hypodermic needles, then what are you doing even with your hands. Do you
want your back converted into a bloody Rorschach test? And if so, would you consider donating your body to science? Cause that could be the next big thing in psychology. I'm digressing, but Volkner pretty much speaks for himself, as the object-lesson in abstinence that the Catholic Church can only dream of. Also his full name translates literally from the German into "Pokemon gym leader who carves meat for a living" which is just this HUGE red flag.
Crowning Moment of Scary: Drugs and maims Avery before
raping her. There are funny jokes to be made about rapists (not about rape victims though), but I'm not gonna try to tread that ground just now. I already made light of the fact back in
Volkner's 2010 rating so yeah, hyuk hyuk, Volkner sure is the rapiest character on the Exodus, let's move the hell on!
No. 4: NOPCSA RPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Ishkabibble; Luxury Train Ride; Rainbow, Shortbow, Mindblown; Obscured Truth
Scary score: 4
Why so scary?He knows what you were thinking about the last time you masturbated.
Crowning Moment of Scary:He knows what you were thinking about the last time you masturbated.
No. 3: LUCAS RPer: Prime
Recent appearances: Because it's interesting; Ishkabibble
Scary score: 4
Why so scary? Ah, Lucas. Dear, sweet, fucked-up Lucas. He's gotten his fair share of lip service in the past few years, as kind of the unexpected Fonzie of Prime's cast due to his unique brand of villainous verve, so let's cut right to the chase. Starting with the fact that Lucas probably thinks "lip service" means the thing you do to your sword when there's too many corpses' worth of blood on it and it's just not sanitary any more. Some characters, like Giguere and Zagaroth, are scary because they look upon humanity from the outside and have found us to be little more than prey; some, like Volkner and Mandelbrot, draw their scares from their twisted but highly methodical rationales for murder; and then there are the regular schmucks who just really really super duper like killing. Tadaaa! Lucas. He's the kind of movie monster who needs no backstory other than "just looked in your direction" and no explanation beyond "sweet Jesus, run faster". Although I have to admit that I
would be kind of interested in meeting Lucas' parents. So it's too bad that in the present day they probably consist of a piggybank full of fingernails and toenails sitting on Lucas' dresser. It's a recession-proof investment!!!!
Crowning Moment of Scary: Disembodied icy hands reaching out with the screams of eternally mutilated souls are all very scary and whatnot, but I really have to give it up for
this post, Lucas' first truly eye-catching character moment. His debut post (scroll up just a little) was a good start, but pretty much just ordinary "nasty bloodthirsty villain" territory -- it's that second post that really cemented Lucas' status as a deliciously bugfuck creepster. Look, forget the part about using Scar's Magnum Killer sword to slice into his own flesh and then licking the wound: Lucas seals the deal by outright admitting that as much as he loves seeing other people's blood on the ceiling,
his own slaughter would be the best spectacle he can imagine. That's what sells him as a character. If this guy comes at you with a rusty knife and a greasy grin, there's nothing you can do to him in your defense that wouldn't just make him happier. No matter which of you dies, Lucas'll still consider it a fine day's work.
No. 2: THE DINH QUINTSRPer: Biscuit
Recent appearances: Radiance (Chasing the Mad Rabbit)
Scary score: 5
Why so scary?Now here's a wildcard win. I wasn't expecting the Dinh Quints to command so much support, but with five votes to their name (one each, I guess), they incontestably hold second place. Frankly I thought this was going to be hard to defend because I tend to mostly just remember the Dinhs as being hilariously audacious, but what I keep forgetting is that they are also predatory nature demons fluidly shapeshifting between human forms and wind/heat/etc., oh and also they have these super nasty sharp teeth to rip your scalp off with. Except for Two who can just
desiccate you by glaring at you really hard, thus making his the most enviable power in all of RP. Basically, going up against these guys is nothing more or less than fighting the jungle, which we know full well is the third most horrific environment on earth, ranking just behind the abyssopelagic zone and Australia. (Wait, aren't there jungles in Australia? And it's surrounded by water??
Fuck.) The Dinhs get points as the only characters on this list who could be fondling your unmentionables right now and you'd have no way to tell, along with points for actually feeling
damage caused to the jungle as physical pain, giving them extra motivation to want you dead. I'd recommend burning down the entire Indochinese peninsula to get rid of these guys, but I kinda get the feeling that setting their turf on fire would be like when the girl from
The Ring dissolved in Naomi Watts' arms, don't you? I don't want that freaky little boy with the huge baggy eyes staring at me and telling me that I "wasn't supposed to help them."
Crowning Moment of Scary:Oh, I got through that whole paragraph without mentioning how the Dinhs can reconstitute any damage to their human bodies. And it is
not a pretty sight. I'm not really sure how shaking your ragged neck-flap around to scatter bits of your innards all over the scenery is supposed to help put your head back together, but it worked and I am not brave enough to argue. If this were how Wolverine regenerated onscreen then the X-Men movies, spinoffs, and spin-spinoff-offs would have collectively traumatized more kids than
Watership Down.
No. 1: MANDELBROTRPer: Choobs
Recent appearances: Ishkabibble,
The Problem with Loans Scary score: 6
Why so scary? Fun fact: Commissioner Williams died sometime between Burgled Boullogne and Obscured Truth. The Commissioner you see in OT is actually Mandelbrot, having sheared his face off and donned it as a mask. (Also having sheared his Buddha belly off and donned it as a fanny pack.) No? Not gonna fall for that one? Okay, so it
might not be true, but that's totally the kind of shit Mandelbrot would pull. During off-hours, she would probs go conduct "social experiments" which consist of cornering innocent civilians and recording the time it takes each of them to realize she's not actually Commissioner Williams before slitting their throats. Maybe run the data through some numbers-crunching afterward. Put together some nice graphs. Maybe I shouldn't be calling on hypothetical evidence to support my claim that Mandelbrot is the scariest character in RP, but she's the kind of dame who beckons to the imagination. Who can fathom the dysfunctional psyche of this bizarre butcher? How can a foe so implacable and unflinching possibly be defeated, rather than merely stymied when the fight is no longer of interest to her? And most urgently of all, how do I know she
isn't there in the bathroom with me, all the time, watching me from the other side of the mirror? How easy would it be for her to just reach out one silent evening and throttle me with my own floss? Just kidding, I never floss. I also never use toothpaste because what if she injected cyanide into the tube. I also switched to shaving with a machete just in case. You can see I've thought this all out pretty thoroughly and I'm
still fucking terrified of Mandelbrot.
Crowning Moment of Scary: Look, Mandelbrot is pretty off-putting in Ishkabibble, but I actually think her scariest moment dates back to
her very first post, before even Ish, in RXing (which I couldn't bring myself to list as a "recent appearance" becaaauuuse June 2009). That post features an iconic Mandelbrot image: a single white-sleeved arm snaking out of a broken mirror shard,
here to destroy you. Now we get to analyze why I think that's her scariest moment when I
don't consider the thematically similar image of Lucas conjuring a roomful of ghostly hands out of ice to be, in turn, his. I guess maybe what it comes down to is that that post with Lucas is easy to mentally file under "Demonic Kinda Shit", which is awful scary and all but kind of intellectually "safe", to my mind. Whereas the Mandelbrot post streamlines the same idea until it falls into the category of mortal body horror, which I find a lot more upsetting. Not sure you're convinced? Then picture this: You manage to beat Mandelbrot's disembodied arm back into the realm between mirrors whence it came, and in so doing, knock the mirror shard onto the floor, where it is dashed into five tiny pieces. You scoop these fragments quickly up into your hands with the intention of throwing them out the window. But before you can do so, each shard of glass sprouts a single latex-gloved finger,
all jutting in different directions from the scattered glass shards even though they are still metaphysically attached to Mandelbrot's hand. And all five fingers, trailing the glass shards behind them, just clamped down onto your skin. Aw yiss. No longer guaranteed to sleep tonight.