|
Post by Beelzebibble on Aug 27, 2006 19:52:45 GMT -5
Matriarch discussion topic. I moved the non-story content out of the original topic to keep it lean and mean. (If you're wondering why this post appears to be from ten years in the past, I hijacked an old scrap heap post of mine so it would predate the content that got moved. OR MATRIARCH EXISTS OUTSIDE OF TIME AND SPACE.) Giovenzio be like
|
|
|
Post by Beelzebibble on Jan 10, 2016 15:12:11 GMT -5
More please! I miss the ol' lean mean Choobs prose.
Not even gonna make any jokes about the name "Prima".
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Jan 10, 2016 19:20:59 GMT -5
Yeah since I was pronouncing it "Preema" the entire time in my head, I didn't make the connection until 2 pages in. Maybe I will rename her to Preema like I renamed Darrel to Devo. Or Priya, Prilla, Perra, Lira, idk.
also, how's the prose besides lean and mean? Upon reread, imo it seems kinda bland and missing any kind of oomf to differentiate it from all the other medieval fantasies--which is unfortunate because Aleta is technically bordering on a rennaissance era.
|
|
|
Post by Beelzebibble on Jan 18, 2016 15:42:32 GMT -5
Prima took her eyes off the main battle and focused on the giant. Vilirius. A common enough name for a giant, but more importantly, a name that Prima didn't associate with any particularly notable accomplishments. However, he was still giant, even if he was unheralded. The Hydorian empire was founded by giants, and humans had only taken the empire using the power of akaramancy. While Devo had used a scroll earlier, he was no trained akarmanacer--nor was anyone else in the troop. They would have to make due. I really like that Prima is able to perform this thoughtful analysis of the giant based on his name and appearance. It establishes that giants actually have a place in this setting and that Vilirius isn't just some exotic trump-card fighter. Great worldbuilding detail. It's "make do", though.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Jan 18, 2016 15:44:14 GMT -5
thanks!
yeah, giants are integrated with society, but their numbers are fairly low. That taking-back-the-empire thing a couple hundred years ago really took its toll because people are kinda jerks.
PS. FUN FACT: Cecily Carpenter was originally Emma Carpenter because according to the internet, Emma was one of the top 10 common names in the middle ages. But I changed it because it sounded too modern. Naming is really hard don't do it.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Jan 21, 2016 18:19:51 GMT -5
I needed to get my bearings so I made a thing EDIT: made mountains less bad
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Jan 31, 2016 12:29:10 GMT -5
It turns out chapter/part/episode 2 or whatever you wa t to call it is going to take more time for me to plot out, and I also start back work tomorrow to make it even longer. So in the mean time, I wanna have an informal but strucutured review of what I've got so far. I'm going to refrain from posting in the thread until I start episode 2 (at least a week or two) so if I happen to have more than one reader, feel free to talk amongst yourselves.
Four questions to give feedback structure and a starting point:
1) what were the things you liked? If I were to revise this, this would be the stuff you want to specifically call out so I don't accidentally edit it out when tightening things. Also this is stuff I can adjust up in later episodes.
2) what are the big issues you had? This is on the level of requiring a large rewrite to fix. Themes, plot arc, characters, world building, etc.
3) what are the nitty gritty issues you had? More on the prose level, out of character moments, stylistic choices, etc.
4) what promises do you think I've made? Things like conflicts that will need resolution, foreshadowing that's been dropped, etc.
5) Anything else you want to get off your chest?
Might actually revise all this if there is enough feedback and some retcons need to be made before proceeding.
|
|
|
Post by Ninety on Feb 16, 2016 18:23:11 GMT -5
Your battle scenes were put together well. Easy to follow the action. Maybe a little too cool and collected, though.
I feel like you didn't go into explaining the role of Prima's brothers very well. Prima is set in as the next Matriarch and people bow and scrape to her but her brothers seem to be not much more than the regular rank and file soldiers. The first we see of them is from them returning from scouting. Why are these men of presumed nobility in such a role?
I said this in the google doc but you mention akaram lamps and stuff a lot. I think it's good at first for worldbuilding but after a bit you should only mention this sort of stuff when it's relevant to the plot or adds to a scene somehow. Or if it's necessary to point out hey this is a magic lamp not just a candle.
Who are the Patriarch and his son? Why is the Patriarch not married to the Matriarch? Will Prima ever live up to her mother's lofty expectations? Tune in to the next episode of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show Matriarch!
Post in Emet.
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on May 28, 2016 9:24:29 GMT -5
i have officially changed Prima's name to Priya. dealwithitdog.jpg
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Sept 1, 2016 16:13:11 GMT -5
i don't think i ever mentioned that this is a 10 year prequel to the current state of the aleta world so the timing on that scrap heap post proves that matriarch is indeed outside time and space ps. giovenzio be more liek
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Sept 5, 2016 23:02:27 GMT -5
OK! While I work on the next bit, I'd like to open up this thread for another informal round of macro opinions since this last behemoth of a chapter was heavy on characterization, world building, and even a bit of plotting. And since it's so dumb-long, I don't want to ask for an in depth critique and will instead go with the focused questionnaire again.
So to start, if you're so inclined, pick one of the following: characters, setting, plot. Now answer the following: 1) What did you think that chapter did well with regard to the thing you picked? 2) What did you think the chapter did poorly with regard to the thing? 3) What promises with regard to the thing do you think have been set up that I will resolve? (character arcs, chekhovs, etc) 4) Anything else you want off your chest?
|
|
|
Post by ch00beh on Nov 4, 2016 5:31:34 GMT -5
for funsies, here's a false start of the next chapter which was thrown away because while I enjoyed writing Priya as a betch, it's kind of counter to all her previously established characterization and basically makes every character the same person. idk. Dev did not join with the crowd outside their viewing box as one of Mistress Estos' put the ball through a goal. Specifically, Liam Genken kicked the ball through the Rooks' high goal. Giovenzio, however, was cheering.
"Five bits, cousin." Giovenzio twisted in his seat and held out an expectant hand.
Devo had been squeezing his coin pouch since Mistress Estos', the Skylarks, had entered the attacking zone a full two minutes ago. He sighed, then passed two copper bits to his cousin. He was now officially half a standard poorer than he was when the game started. He mumbled, "Rhodwyn grant mercy."
"The Giver can't help the stupid with their wagers." Giovenzio laughed. "Two bits that the Rooks win the next jostle."
"Fuck you."
"Come on. The players are almost set again and the half is almost over. One more bet."
"I'm done losing money." Devo took a breath from Giovenzio's pipe—which he ad been tightly clutching in his other hand—feeling the pinpricking chill run up his arm as it used his body heat to burn its contents. "Priya, a little help?"
Priya didn't even cast a glance behind her at her brother. Her eyes were affixed on one of Giovenzio's men—Arturo? Arrento? Whatever his name was, Devo did like his jawline—and it seemed she was in the middle of telling him about the battle yesterday as she mimed a bolt lodging itself in her chest. Devo rolled his eyes.
The crowd erupted into cheers again and the players all started walking off the field as the half entered.
A moment later, Priya clutched the man's arm and helped herself up, leaning her weight on the guard rather than her cane. "Antonio and I are going to get some skewers. What do you two want?"
"Oh for the," Devo began. "Just get me whatever you get."
"I'd prefer something without cinnamon." Giovenzio winked. It would give an excuse to take longer.
The two young men were soon left alone with the drone of a milling crowd as Priya and the guard walked out.
"Crafty girl."
"She does that."
|
|