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Post by prime on Feb 14, 2007 3:10:37 GMT -5
[removed]
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Post by Beelzebibble on Feb 14, 2007 16:02:39 GMT -5
I like it. You've definitely spared no expense to put the reader right there; all the fear, confusion and anger come through perfectly. I'd like to see where this one goes.
There is, of course, my usual roster of Prime's Writing Complaints -- such as the overabundance of run-on sentences, and the inexplicable apostrophe materializing in plurals like "eyes" -- but they represent nothing new.
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Post by prime on Feb 14, 2007 16:25:10 GMT -5
Sadly, I'm not perfect even when I'm using Word. I should really take a college writing class.
Next post will come on in a few moments, well, more like an hour, it'll take a while to write. But I'm bored and I'm at work, so I'll have something to do at least.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 14, 2007 18:16:24 GMT -5
Good, I like.
College writing classes suck... just so you know.
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Post by kazkame on Feb 14, 2007 18:20:29 GMT -5
Are you in one ?
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Post by prime on Feb 14, 2007 19:32:38 GMT -5
[removed]
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Post by Tout-Perd on Feb 14, 2007 20:10:42 GMT -5
Nice cliffhanger. Definately a cut (no pun intended) above your average writing. Moves a little too briskly for me at some points, but I guess that's just my own style (more towards exposition, less towards action). I can't wait to see the plot unfold, since it seems there's something amiss.
BTW, hoping that Sero survives. I want to RP with that fellow some time in Tyr.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 15, 2007 1:59:04 GMT -5
I've been in three actualy. Pretty good so far... Wonder what will happen next...
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Post by prime on Feb 15, 2007 19:37:33 GMT -5
[removed]
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Post by Damien on Feb 15, 2007 21:51:16 GMT -5
Pretty awesome, the emotions that Sero goes through are conveyed well to the reader.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 15, 2007 23:44:07 GMT -5
I'm really starting to get into this... What happens next!!!!
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Post by prime on Feb 20, 2007 0:34:29 GMT -5
[removed]
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 20, 2007 23:07:43 GMT -5
I'm not gonna lie. I'm completely lost with your transitions. I have no idea how the plot is moving or why. In each little scene, I can see what's going on, but I don't see how they all fit together in the grand scheme of things? Are some of these memories? Is Sero remembering back to some time, while at present, he's actually in some big event? The main thing I recommend is making transitions more clear. Like say: Sero looked over the battlefield to be. Across the grassy plains was a cloud of smoke, lingering in the air above the white demons' huts. He felt anger boiling up inside him, but he kept it under control, ready to unleash it during the melee. To keep himself from losing control, he began to think back to his childhood, his adolescence, his adulthood, the moments before he was here. *** It was dark. The only thing lighting up the night were the flames coming out of his neighbor's house. His mother was dragging him, and she was trying to keep up with his father. "Run!" his father shouted as two demons clad in white emerged from the darkness. "What about you?" his mother cried. "Just get away. Live!" his father shouted, raising his sword to attack, and as the syllables escaped his lips, the white clad warrior ran him through. *** Sero sighed at the memory. He had lost both his parents that night, and he had killed his first man. Etc etc, but ya know, better, since I wrote that at the top of my head. Just remember: transitions.
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Post by prime on Feb 20, 2007 23:37:34 GMT -5
Reformatted, everything in italics is a diviation and a memory.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 20, 2007 23:41:13 GMT -5
I like how you keep jumping around revealing parts of Sero's Character and what has had factors in his development.
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Post by prime on Feb 20, 2007 23:43:57 GMT -5
Well this is more like a history than a story, ultimately anyways. You'll all understand in the end. Lee, sadly I'm going to have to be a killjoy, and tell you that Sero will never be a character in Tyr. Or at least, he PROBABLY won't unless I really stretch the circumstances.
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Post by kazkame on Feb 21, 2007 16:23:01 GMT -5
are you completing part two now?
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Post by prime on Feb 21, 2007 17:44:03 GMT -5
Part 1 still isn't done, Part two is actually to be named , Serin Part 1, since its actually about Sero's son.
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Post by kazkame on Feb 21, 2007 17:48:51 GMT -5
oh ok
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Post by prime on Feb 22, 2007 20:13:04 GMT -5
Sero has been cancled indefinately. Its just...boring and tedious now.
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Post by ch00beh on Feb 22, 2007 20:24:33 GMT -5
Canceled indefinitely is such a harsh phrase... why not say "hiatus"? Or my personal favorite "Temporary indefinite lunch break."
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Post by prime on Feb 22, 2007 21:18:30 GMT -5
Actually, its not cancled at all, I just posted that to screw with Bulbs.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 22, 2007 23:13:16 GMT -5
You are a bad bad man.
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Post by prime on Feb 26, 2007 21:30:08 GMT -5
Hmmm, I know what to do next, but I'm lacking some idea's after that, and sadly I'm also in the midst of a little bit of wrighters block, I am unable to find the words...
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Post by prime on Feb 28, 2007 2:40:32 GMT -5
Ok, the continuation of the last post has been added. You'll have to scroll up to read it, and feel free to comment afterwards. The next post will be during the current days again.
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Post by bulbaboy on Feb 28, 2007 16:58:31 GMT -5
Nice.... what is S2?
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