10) SILUMASRPer: Silumas
Recent appearances: The Return of Silumas; (Dis)Orientation
Bodacious score: 5
Why so bodacious?Are you… Are you serious? Yoshimitsu and Narcissa couldn't scrape five votes each and
this guy rolls in instead? Ooh, fellas. We're off to a weird start. Okay, to be fair, I guess I can see it if you're into fifty-something bald dudes with big eyebrows. Silumas is fifty-something, right? I mean, he's basically Pete Hornberger, right? I've been picturing grumpy Pete Hornberger this whole time. No?
Pictured: Silumas and... I don't know... Garth. Look, don't get me wrong, Jezabel was totally into it so I can respect that. Now
she was bodacious all right. Poor Jezabel. I wonder how she's doing in the after-afterlife. Probably hanging out with Sly's dead Venasaur. Never you mind that joke, let's get back on topic! Obviously Silumas has got somethin' going for him to land a hottie like her, and you know what, I'm thinking it's got to be his snappy fashion sense. A handsome devil really does look good in anything, whether he's pairing a tuxedo with matching cowboy boots for the coveted "vigilante investment banker" look, rocking a sultry leather-and-silk BDSM number studded with magical Pop Rocks, or, my personal favorite, going full neckbeard with the
Four Elements Getup. Pro tip, Silumas: Just walk in wearing the
Three Wolf Moon shirt and I guarantee Emily will throw herself at you like she throws cupcakes at third-graders.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:Punched a three-story-tall bodybuilder demon so hard his kneecap imploded. Can you
imagine the sheer muscle Silumas must be packing? Oh, wait, he didn't punch the Balor? He just kind of clenched his fist unrelatedly and then the dude's kneecap crumbled? Ahh, I don't care, you know Jezabel was still going way hot under the collar for that noise.
Yes, but is he hotter than Blaise?Hell no.
9) JONAS CALIBANRPer: Bulbs
Recent appearances: Ishkabibble; The Phoenix's Last Incarnation; Old Habits
Bodacious score: 5
Why so bodacious?What was that thing Bulbs said about Jonas in the "author appeal" topic? Oh, right:
"Jonas… NO." But you know that thing we said about Jonas in this poll? Oh, right: "Jonas…
YES." Let's break this down. Point one: The guy's the same approximate size and shape as a cement mixer. They had to put two beds side by side to accommodate him after he transformed from unassuming nerd into the Jonas we know and love today. They had to tie a bunch of bedsheets together and wrap them around his junk as a makeshift diaper, and
I'm not even kidding. There's no tiptoeing around the massive loaf of implied Jonas salami. You try tiptoeing around that thing and you're just going to trip over it like a merry forest elf tripping over a log. Point two: He's a goddamned rubberman. With but a campy formulaic verbal command, Jonas can make himself as thin as Fratley's tail, as flat as Rie's chest, or as massive and spherical as a single one of Rance West's godlike testicles (there you go, Ninety. There's Rance). Basically, whatever your tastes, Jonas can put in the work. Hmm… he's giant, rubbery, got a deep booming laugh… He's reminding me a lot of fellow noted ladykiller Jabba the Hutt. Right down to the
very wet fleshy slurps.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:Right here, babe. Slides a ring onto his finger… and then onto his hand, his wrist, and all the way up his arm. That's not because the ring gets any bigger - it's his arm reshaping itself to accommodate it. Now imagine what Jonas can do with the
rest of his body parts. You're welcome.
Yes, but is he hotter than Blaise?Pfffffffffffffffffffft. (That's me disagreeing, not Jonas deflating.)
8) BICÉ CALEVRORPer: Belle
Recent appearances: Househeld
Bodacious score: 5
Oh, thank god, we came to our senses. She was really lagging behind at first. Good looking out, Texans.
Why so bodacious?Look, there were five characters who got a bodacious score of 5, and there were only four slots at the bottom of the list. Let's just take it as writ that Hector was an obvious choice (oh, spoilers, Hec's next) and focus on the other ones: Silumas, Jonas, Sly, and Bicé. So put yourself in my position. You've got three available slots to allocate among grumpy Pete Hornberger, inflatable Hagrid, blue eyestalk alien furry horse dude, and gunslinging Mediterranean babe in tight pants. WHO DO YOU CHOOSE??? Oh, cool your jets. I know perfectly well that if you're Choobs or Lee or some other delightful and hilarious genius, you pick all those weird ugly guys and leave Bicé out in the cold. But tell me, reader,
am I made of stone? Do I not feel feelings? I do. And one of those feelings is that this girl Bicé Calevro is fine like a parking ticket. So you can just pack off back to Alpha Centauri, Sly, because one Bulbs rep is enough for this list. While the rest of us were dicking around with silly squished-down Homestuck-like sprites, Belle sauntered in and dropped some mad semi-realistic, fully-proportioned style out of nowhere, instantly cementing Bicé as a weapons-grade hottie. It's too bad the art was labor-intensive enough that Belle only stuck with it for a few months, because I would have been all for seeing Bicé subjugate and convert the entire rest of the team, one by one, with her overwhelming, sexuality-bending bodacity. "Even Bustin Jieber, who was probably gay?" Yes, even Bustin Jieber, who was probably gay. "Even Colin, who could love nothing that wasn't at least 50% cybernetic?" Yes, even Colin, who could love nothing that wasn't at least 50% cybernetic, and at least 25% armblades. "Even Reba??" Friend,
especially Reba.Crowning Moment of Bodacious:Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?Flynn would say so, but on the other hand, Flynn's never met Blaise. Sounds like Blaise needs to get in on the Sburb session. I'm thinking she would be… the Elocutionist of Idioglossia. Hey, you can't say it's less catchy than "Synchronizer of Living Metal"!
7) HECTOR CRUZ NYKTORIRPer: Loogs
Recent appearances: Summoner Style; Radiance; SHOPING
Bodacious score: 5
Why so bodacious?Do I have to spell it out? I mean, if Loogs's subtle hint about
"exaggerating body parts sometimes" doesn't tip you off, perhaps I might direct you to a post from
two years earlier in which she came right out and admitted that Hector's packing a railspike inside those flame-patterned skinny jeans. FUN FACT: There's no anchor aboard the boat in Summoner Style. Hector just stands at starboard and drops trou whenever they need to bring the boat up short. All that time Yoshimitsu was ruminating about how Hector will never understand
the darkness inside his soul, neither of them had any idea Hector was unwittingly clubbing dozens of scuba divers to death with his wayward underwater penis. FUN FACT [HASH]2: Lugiasian's original synopsis of the end of Radiance called for Hector to protect Queen Marimai from the hordes of rebelling Altaric Raiixians by encircling the royal court with an impervious barricade made of Hector penis. And just in case being hung like Saddam Hussein isn't all you're looking for in the idealized male figure, let me assure you that Hector's got it goin' on from head to toe. Why, he's got a "bruiser's physique", in Loogs' own words! Now what drawing was she referring to when she said that?
Oh, yes. Hoo boy. Mm. Scope those bulging biceps. That right there is a savage beast of sex just
barely managing to restrain himself from bursting free of the folds of that unexpected military jacket. Call me Ozzy & Drix 'cause you know I wanna get all up inside that.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:Right, right, there are the countless
steamy and
totally canonical hookups, but I'm gonna make the obvious joke and go for
this post instead.
Hector, hands casually nestled in his pockets, glanced down at his belt, fondly eyeing the hilt of his Tiamat Blade. ... He slowly unsheathed it and held it out in front of him. His trusty blade, which was always by his side through any messy situation, didn't lose an iota of shimmer over the years.
I understand that in the post-Prime era, it's facile and stupid to read this as a coded reference to Hector's schlong, and I want you to know that that's not going to stop me.
Yes, but is he hotter than Blaise?¡Ni de coña!6) HELEN MERCURYRPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Luxury Train Ride; Ishkabibble; Entertain the Masses
Bodacious score: 7
Why so bodacious?Okay okay okay, I know Lee keeps insisting that Helen has an average figure, the only problem is none of us believe him. Everybody knows lady magicians are fine as hell. Have you even Google Imaged "lady magician"? Don't do it. It's weird. Most of the results are some kind of creepy sexytimes action figure. Back on track, we all realize that the stage magic industry's got a serious allergy to women who aren't at least a solid eight point eight. I'm not saying that's
right, I'm just saying, yes Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a wonderful and admirable woman, but she's not going to be putting asses in seats in Vegas any time soon. While I'm sure Helen would prefer her show to be "come for the magic, stay for the stereotype-busting defense of Summoner ideology", all her posters tell me is "come for the babe with the legs up to here, stay to see her do some sexy card tricks or whatever." Plus she's got actual magic at her disposal so you know she's probably worked a few boobglamours to graduate above that A-cup. It would explain why her chest is
pretty much constantly heaving to the point that
she pops buttons if she climbs the stairs too fast. Of course, Lee's since ended up changing his tune a little from his early reticence, and even knocked points off in the Helen art poll for failing to capture her "innocent sex appeal" (HIS WORDS). To which I can only say: Brother,
innocent? Both
Loogs and
I can do you one better than that. And don't even get me started on
Kuro's sultry rendering. Whew. Helen, I really wish I could keep it locked on your sparkling baby blues, but your necktie is literally hypnotizing me and I
have no choice but to stare at that smashin' rack.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:"She brought her legs up, wrapping her knees around Natalie's shoulders." Um, excuse me? Lee slipped some hot les-yay shipping into Ishkabibble four years ago and no one noticed? Maybe we needed a couplet to draw attention to that one. I got this.
"Ball of purple twine,
Commence the sixty-nine!"
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?Nah. Terrian would still be down for a foursome, though.
5) AQUARA OCEANARARPer: Kevin
Recent appearances: Whisper in my Ear; Luxury Train Ride; SWRP
Bodacious score: 80085Bodacious score: 7
I'm as surprised as Lee to see only one Kevin character make the list. I thought for sure Masumi and her enormous breasts would take a commanding position, but I guess she's lived up to her title of "The Forgotten Samurai" by now. We could name this an honorary slot for Kevin's entire female cast, yet it's Aquara who's taking the award home, probably due to having the most screen time out of his characters on the Exodus. And, I mean, don't get me wrong. She's got fine boobs too.
Kevin loves 'em. And anyone who could elicit a
"perfect ten" evil eye from a female vampire probably has the whole package going on. But you've got to think that with Aquara it's mostly gonna be about those Rockette gams that could kick your head off your shoulders from a resting pose in half a second. The last thing you'd glimpse as your head twirled away into the stratosphere would be that one exquisitely shaped calf pointing directly upward at a perfect 180-degree angle as if giving you directions to space. Why's Aquara need to find someone named "Flora" when she's already got the finest pair of stems in RP? You could slap a tail on every donkey in Jerusalem with those pins. Aaand okay, I'm short on slangy synonyms for "legs". But you know what Aquara ain't short on? Legs.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:I mean… the post that most openly acknowledges Aquara's bodacity is
this one, but I feel kind of bad about highlighting a post where Aquara is so palpably uncomfortable with the unwelcome male attention directed at her (no matter how lovingly Kevin describes the "most alluring manner" of her swaying hips). So let's dig a little more and find something from the deep cuts to show off how… oh. Oh.
Aquara looked around for someone familiar and couldn't locate anyone at all. She began to mingle around the crowd when and overgrown brute knocked her over, and completley ignored her.
She stood up and tapped his shoulder. The man turned and smiled "What is a little lady like you doing here."
"Well, let me introduce my self" she said in a soft womanly tone "My name is GET THE FUCK OUT MY WAY!" she screamed, and the ear piercing soundwaves reached over the whole crowd. "YOU THINK BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING LADY YOU CAN JUST TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!"
The man backed up scared. He whispered something to his buddies "I will be afraid of ducks forever..."
Aquara shot a look around her, and people began to back up. "DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT ANY?" She did stuck her own version of a duck up (the middle finger) and proceeded to flick everyone off around her.
OH.
You mean the woman who spent all of Whisper in my Ear banally smiling away any thought that threatened to encroach on her time pondering how much she loves jiu jitsu and moray eels… was capable of
this all along? That at any moment, she might have flipped the fuck out, snagged Terrian and Ryuu by the neck with her ankles, and popped their heads like grapes between her mighty thighs? And instead she pretty much just sipped coffee a bunch of times? KEVIN. I'm seeing maybe a missed opportunity here.
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?Not even a perfect conglomeration of all Kevin's bodacious ladies, from the legs of Aquara to the boobs of Masumi to the… uh… the… very attractive wrists… of Summer?... could possibly surpass Blaise.
4) NATALIE ULIMARPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Luxury Train Ride; Ishkabibble; Head Games
Bodacious score: 9
Why so bodacious?What? Okay, this is where I'm pretty sure the poll just turned into "vote for the female characters you recognize". God, why did I suggest Natalie?? I should have known she'd pull votes away from more deserving candidates. Now I have to, like, spin my lame "shapeshifter = literally shapely = BODACIOUS RIGHT HA HA HA" joke into an entire paragraph? N… You know what… No! Damn it, I pretended Silumas and Jonas were sexy for you ingrates, but it ends here! Natalie ain't bodacious! She's built like Brienne of Tarth in mom jeans! The only curves this girl's rocking are her biceps! Lee's gone on record saying that her only touch of femininity is that big ol' mop of hair! And if there's one thing writing this article has taught me, it's that Lee is always 100% correct in assessing the hotness of his female characters!!! Nope. I'm not doing this. I can see the feminist credentials slipping out of my grasp like a soap bar made of pixie dust and I don't care. I can't write a bunch of jokes about how sexy Natalie is. So if you came here expecting to see something about how, like, we must be a bunch of Italians celebrating Christmas because everyone wants to "
bone Natalie", then I'm sorry, but jog on.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:Sigh… Let's just traipse back to that Ishkabibble lesbian scene and see if we can dig up something for Natalie.
Natalie disappeared one more time, and reappeared beside Helen on her knees. She kept the bag pressed over her face with one hand. Her blade was coiled around her other arm, the tip extending just past her fist. She raised it over the center of Helen’s chest. The door creaked behind them.
"I could almost say that I'm sorry for this…" Natalie’s arm plunged downwards.
Oh. That was… easy. Was that the same post? Yes, it turns out that was the exact same post. And according to my reading of Hector's quote from before, Natalie's "blade" is actually an extensible dildo. Wow. Looks like that
Helen/Inanimate Object ship got off the ground after all. Sorry, Rhys! Here, I'll ship you with Yoshimitsu instead. Then you two can be called "Rhys and Shine". Everybody wins!
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?I mean…… no, she isn't hotter, because the numbers say they're equal. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, NO, BECAUSE I KNOW IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN FOOLED AND NATALIE IS ABOUT AS BODACIOUS AS A COATRACK WITH A FEDORA ON IT.
3) EMILY SCHWARTZWALDRPer: Clicker / Lee
Recent appearances: SWRP; Flint and Steel; (Dis)Orientation
Bodacious score: 9
Why so bodacious?Emily?? See, again, this is what I was saying about name recognition. Don't get me wrong, we all know she's a cutie, in that girl next door kinda way, but a hottie? Like, three-way tie for second most bodacious character in ORP hottie? I'll be honest, I couldn't believe Archie Exie has such a leering fascination with the silly chick who's primarily known for baking, exclamation points, and hurling more blunt objects than a drunk Mole at a dog race. So I did a little journalism, and I found out two things. First, using a Proboards search engine "doesn't actually count as journalism" or at least that's what those philistines on the Pulitzer committee told me. And second, there's been a long and low-simmering struggle between her two associated RPers for the soul of Emily - or should I say, for her
bodacious bod??Back in 2010 when I was plotting a Natalie & Emily picture, Lee prompted Emily's figure as
"fairly average, maybe ever-so-slightly curvy". When the drawing rolled out and showed Emily with a totally unremarkable figure - just a bit more rounded than Natalie - Lee praised her realistic proportions. Clicker, on the other hand, countered that Emily is
"much slimmer and less curvy than that". And hey, if that's Clicker's view, that Emily looks about the same as the pencil she could lodge in your eye socket from across a football field, then that's fine! Who am I to second-guess the original creator's concept? But let me ask you, Clicker: who's Lee to do the same? Because as soon as you passed the reins to him for (Dis)Orientation, he went right for the descriptor
"curvy" and proceeded to pay an arresting amount of attention to Emily's hips.
Emily bumped the tray with her hip
She grabbed the tray by its edge, and pivoted at her hip, hurling it across the room.
Emily's got some choice birthin' hips on her amiright
Only one of those quotes was made up. That settles it. Next time I draw Emily, she's gonna have the hip endowment of a Sumerian fertility goddess. Sorry, Clicker. As far as we're all concerned, I guess your image of Emily just didn't… quite…
clickCrowning Moment of Bodacious:Goes by implication to the moment in Triannual where she envisions herself
in a grass skirt and coconut bra. Oh Emily. You put the cute, wholesome sex appeal back in cultural appropriation.
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?Hnnnnnrgh yes yes okay okay they got the same ranking but
once again strictly speaking that means Emily is not hotter than Blaise.1) BLAISE EULERRPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Whisper in my Ear; Ishkabibble; Pohatu's dreams
Bodacious score: 9
Why so bodacious?Whew. Finally. At last, sweet relief. We've made it to the number one spot, and it's my girl Blaise at the top. And yes, I realize that she actually came out tied with Natalie and Emily, but I don't care. There's that thing called ultimate fascist communist tyrant voting power… I may have mentioned it before. BLAISE WINS. SEXY CURVY SOCIALLY-AWKWARD SCIENCE LADY TAKES THE GOLD. Oh Blaise! You know I wanna stay up all night in the lab and isolate the
bang senseless gene with you! Let's…
Hmm?
Hold on, I'm getting a message.
Okay, folks. Uh… Th-There's… I have to apologize. The first runner-up is Blaise Euler. Lemme just take control of this. This is exactly what's in the poll. I will take responsibility for this. It was my mistake. It was in the poll. Horrible mistake, but the right thing, I can show it to you right here. The first runner-up is Blaise. It was my mistake. Still a great article. Please don't hold it against the ladies. Please don't. We feel so badly, but it's still a great article. Thank you all.
Wow, this is awkward. Blaise didn't win? Don't mind me if I just finish the rest of the section off as if she did.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:None.
That's the thing. While other characters have
occasionally commented favorably on her figure, Lee's never pushed Blaise's appearance whatsoever in writing her. And yet we all magically understand that she's the hottest lady kicking around in the Archipelago. It's just some kind of sexy memetic miracle. Don't get me wrong, though, I fully expect and demand that Lee fix this someday by writing an actual sexy Blaise scene, like maybe she mixes the wrong two chemicals together and creates a CLOTHES-EATING NANOVIRUS or something. I don't really know science.
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?She is Blaise.
So, um, technically… no? But also, she just keeps getting exponentially hotter as time goes on. We're approaching a singularity of Blaise hotness. In the instant it took you to formulate the thought "Blaise is hotter than…" she already got hotter. So by the time you get around to thinking "Blaise is hotter than Blaise", it's true. That means Blaise is both hotter and not hotter than herself at all times. I knew she could break physics and chemistry, I didn't realize she's so bodacious it breaks Aristotelian logic too.
Now who in the hell…?
1) THYRA RUSSELLRPer: Lee
Recent appearances: Luxury Train Ride; (Dis)Orientation
Bodacious score: 12
Why so bodacious?:Hold up. What? How did Thyra lock down a solid twelve out of sixteen voters to take the most authoritative lead in any poll to date? Was somebody out there actually using one of those stupid "important"/"notable" kind of definitions that came up at the beginning? No? We've… all collectively agreed that Thyra is a hottie, then.
Even hotter than Blaise. Cool. I just don't understand how. As with Blaise, it's not like Lee ever took out a paragraph anywhere to gush over her appearance. I always saw her as
pretty, but not like, make you whip your head go DAYUMMM, you know? W-was I on to something in the last poll with that joke about Zebedee
coveting Thyra's voluminous booty? Is that the new thing? Thyra has a rockin' donk?
Welp, all right then, let's fly this meme into the ground. Thyra's built from the floor all the way up. She's a
brick house is what I mean. She got them
thick Thys, youknowmsayin youknowmsayin. Thyra's into barrier magic, but who needs it when you could already bounce a cannonball off that ass? It's lucky this poll isn't The 10 Biggest Things in RP because Thyra's butt makes Didn't's yo-yo look like a pair of bottlecaps held together with dental floss. What I'm saying is, you talk about
"such volume that Zebedee can't hope to seal it all away", all I picture is him trying to help his girlfriend wriggle that callipygian caboose into a pair of panties. Better clear out some room on the
Tear Jerker page because there's nothing that brings a tear to my eye like Thyra's onion booty.
By the way… don't listen to Choobs when he calls us all racists for voting Thyra into the top spot. He voted for her too.
Crowning Moment of Bodacious:If we could get serious for a moment, I tried to find one, but all I kept turning up was this strange fascination everybody's developed for touching Thyra's shoulders.
Putting it from his mind for now, [Kilik] followed Thyra up the stage, clapping her shoulder as he passed before taking a seat.
Emily, who had just re-entered the room carrying the supplies for Talia, gave a cheerful whoop. She bounded onto the stage, caught Thyra by the shoulder, and pulled her close.
A pair of sure strides brought Marius up to Thyra's left shoulder and he grasped her shoulder briefly with a calloused hand.
What's the subtext here? This is way too pronounced a pattern to be a fluke. Is it just because standing at Thyra's shoulder puts you at a great angle to scope that choice ass? Or are we all, by variously grabbing, squeezing, and patting her shoulders, using the only socially acceptable means available to express the grabs, squeezes, and pats we'd be delighted to lavish on her sumptuous rump if it weren't incredibly sexist and disrespectful to do so? Could it be that everyone at Terminer Academy, male or female, gay or straight or otherwise, has been subconsciously hankering for Thyra's posterior this whole time? I can't figure it out. Help me, Zebby! You're my only hope! You're actually dating her! Surely, if anyone can break through this weird shoulder fetishization and get right to the body part that's on everyone's mind, it's you! DO IT, ZEBBY. YOU TOUCH THAT BUTT. YOU TOUCH THE BUTT RIGHT NOW.
As [Thyra] hit the far edge, she pushed her left into full power again, and let her right go quiet. With the kick from the change, she rolled back to the center. A hand caught her shoulder, steadying her. Zebedee.
GOD DAMN IT, ZEBBY.
JUST
TOUCH
THE BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT
Yes, but is she hotter than Blaise?Who's Blaise?