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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 16, 2012 20:20:28 GMT -5
> Mark: Discover at least two models still sleeping semi-clothed in the backseat of the Cabriolet. Ladies please
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 16, 2012 20:21:20 GMT -5
===-==>It's hard being Mark Rohr. It's hard and no one understands.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 16, 2012 20:31:50 GMT -5
> Mark: Scope this bipches choice ass.HOTDAAMMMNNNNOh, the face? Curious about the face? It's just this thing you do. Call it a tradition. You ceremonially bring every wild and passionate night to a close by drawing an icon of yourself on your latest honey's body with a fountain pen. Then you kind of look away and then whip your head back real fast and say "You just got MARKED." Look, you're not a total male chauvinist pig, though. You are happy to let the honey choose the area of her body where she wants this miniature masterpiece to be displayed. It just so happens that both this one and the other one made the same choice: ass.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 16, 2012 20:47:16 GMT -5
> Mark: Scope the other bipches choice ass.Uh... Yeah. Pretty sure the fountain pen ran out of ink at that point. As an emergency backup measure, you were forced to use a crayon instead. Looks like your beautiful linework's gotten smudged. You're not even sure where you found the crayon. Under the bed, you guess, with the stray Legos and stuff. Probably it is a cherished relic of your childhood, no doubt irrevocably desecrated by its waxen jaunt 'cross an afroed floozie's sumptuous buttock.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 21, 2012 8:11:20 GMT -5
> Mark: Hustle out the hussies.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 21, 2012 8:11:57 GMT -5
===-==>
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 21, 2012 8:34:55 GMT -5
===-==>You hate to be so blunt, but, actually you don't hate to be so blunt at all, so the first part of this sentence was a lie. Look, we can judge you all we want from the comfort of our high-falutin' MORALS and VIRGINITY and everything, but it'd be just naive for us to imagine that those models actually mean anything to you. Being Mark Rohr is sort of like being the Four Corners of biddies: Even though they know countless others have done it before, they all still want to take pictures of themselves straddling you. But their attentions don't stir your soul any more than yours to them. None can even remotely compete with your TRUE DREAM GIRL. Unfortunately, by dispatching out into the world these two subjects from one of the most blandly mismatched photo shoots in history, you have just specifically designated them for a meteoric demise which they would've avoided if permitted to stay at your place. You have no idea of this at the time, obviously, nor do you realize its implications as concern the role you are to take up in Sburb. We, however, from the comfort of our GETTIN' TOLD STUFF BY THE NARRATOR, can appreciate the significance of the moment, and we react with a slow nod and a soft grunt of intellectual satisfaction. HAPPY END OF THE WORLD, EVERYBODY!!!!! [/font][/color][/center][/spoiler]
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 13:54:33 GMT -5
> Mark: Ponder your TRUE DREAM GIRL, Bicé.Dear, sweet Bicé. Such grace, such a natural good humor, and such fine marksmanship. And such gorgeous green eyes and rich brown hair! Of course, beauty is superficial, but you just know that after plotting Bicé's winsome personality, the good Lord could tell he was on a roll and decided to bless her with one-in-a-million looks, to boot. Bicé's very sigh is like a sweet aria to your ears, the mere turning of her head a lovelier motion than a thousand desperately pirouetting ballerinas could hope to match. Truly, there is no woman for you in all the world but this resplendent, magnificent Bicé Calevro.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:02:49 GMT -5
===-==>Just kidding. Mo' like Cliché Calevro. As if you would be so common, so vulgar, as to fall for the same girl as half the male population of EXOPHTHALMIC ARCHIMANDRITES' ludicrously sizeable membership. Okay, so maybe you drunkenly propositioned Bicé in the forum shoutbox once. Or at most twice. But seriously, that's nothing. It ain't nothing but a thang. She does have an awful fly booty though. Can't say you'd particularly mind scribbling your likeness on either or both of them dumplin' cheeks. Not a high priority however. ... Do we have to ask how you can be aware of her posterior endowment when you only know her through the Internet? Must we ask? Can we not just suspend our disbelief for maybe one god damn second?? Moving on.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:05:48 GMT -5
> Mark: Ponder your TRUE DREAM GIRL, Kitten.No. That dipshit unicorn headband would impale your hi-top the second you went in for some tongue wrestlin'.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:07:43 GMT -5
> Mark: Ponder your TRUE DREAM GIRL, Yulia.What the hell is a Yulia??
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:09:05 GMT -5
> Mark: Ponder your TRUE DREAM GIRL, Reba.Okay now we're just dicking around with these names. I mean how high do you have to be.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:13:01 GMT -5
> Mark: Ponder your TRUE DREAM GIRL, Aubrey Plaza.That guess is one billion times better than all previous guesses combined. Still not your TRUE DREAM GIRL, but at least we can end this speculating session on a high note, and go on to do actually anything whatsoever that does not concern women. You've wasted enough time acknowledging the existence of the fairer sex. You have IMPORTANT BUSINESS to attend to.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 22, 2012 14:19:25 GMT -5
> Mark: Demonstrate GBM apps on your smartphone.* SYLLADEX (HAIR MODUS)[SBURB DISCS] [----] [----] [----] [----] [----] STRIFE PORTFOLIO: axeKind {----}
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 23, 2012 20:26:59 GMT -5
> Mark: Load app that generates a steady stream of antique line drawings with silly captions. Criticize the humorous sensibilities on display.Jesus. You knew this app was a bust as soon as the MEMES started piling in. Some people have never had an original thought in their lives.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 26, 2012 21:34:46 GMT -5
> Mark: Load app that generates a steady stream of user-submitted prompts for polite conversation."I'm trying to place that painting over there. The bold colors remind me of Gauguin, but the dreamlike composition more readily suggests one of the later Fauvists. Does anyone have any ideas?" NOTE: Strongly recommended. I have tested this at five cocktail parties with regard to five different paintings, including a still life by Goya, and the results have always been successful.
Submitted by and_a_scholar -- 4 minutes ago "Did you happen to catch the Anisimova Ballet while they were in town? They performed Gayane and it was quite spectacular; one of Khachaturian's finest, I would argue." NOTE: You will find there is no need to substitute accurate productions and ballet companies, as the listener will immediately accept without question the existence of any theatrical tour which has just left town.
Submitted by man.about.town -- 11 minutes ago "It's really very astonishing how hard it can be to readjust after a period of travel. I've just got back from several weeks in Luxembourg and I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's simply no good Kachkeis anywhere in the States." NOTE: Another country to which you have actually travelled recently may be substituted if it is absolutely necessary, but Luxembourg is a very impressive choice and I will be happy to supply further facts about its culture to the bold speaker who is willing to improvise.
Submitted by monoclemonger -- 19 minutes ago "Ah, a lawyer! Do you find it necessary to sort through a great many frivolous lawsuits? I get the impression there are quite a lot of them filed these days." NOTE: This is untrue. However, by feigning ignorance, you have given the law-practicing listener an opportunity to prattle on at considerable length in order to clarify the misconception. You will thus be freed, for an appreciable span of time, of the obligation to speak, making this a highly recommended tactic for the socially demure.
Submitted by shutthedoor_haveaseat -- 23 minutes ago
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 26, 2012 21:35:52 GMT -5
> Mark: Submit some douchey comments for the lulz."This decor is quite intriguing. I must say, however, that the ceiling of my bedroom is far superior." NOTE: Many sexual positions, including the classic "missionary" and "cowgirl", involve one participant lying face-up on his or her back, thus receiving a clear view of the ceiling. If you are male and the listener is female, she will presume you are inviting her to participate in "missionary" or one of its variants.
Submitted by pimperium -- 3 seconds ago "Excuse me, but have you ever made love to a stranger? No? Why, then, allow me to introduce myself." NOTE: By self-introduction, you have removed yourself from the category of strangers, thus, through the power of logical deduction, effectively requiring that the listener must have sex with you.
Submitted by pimperium -- 10 seconds ago "Tongue twisters are a delight, aren't they? I don't suppose you could say 'red leather, yellow leather' five times fast with my penis in your mouth?" NOTE: If your penis is in the listener's mouth, it can be inferred that the listener is performing oral sex upon you. This is a desirable end result of many conversations.
Submitted by pimperium -- 18 seconds ago
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 26, 2012 21:41:08 GMT -5
> Mark: Isn't your wrist getting sore, holding the phone like that?What? Isn't -- This isn't the way people hold their smartphones? No? Are you... once again committing the fallacy of taking your SOCIAL CUES from ADVERTISEMENTS instead of REAL PEOPLE? Whatever, fuck it, you think this is comfortable. We can all just deal.
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:32:57 GMT -5
> Mark: Load app that directs the user toward the nearest top hat in the vicinity.Not a problem, chief. Doot de doo de doooooh my god THE SIGNALIS COMINGFROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:38:13 GMT -5
> Mark: Go find that top hat and squeeze it onto your hair.That's cause there's one in your bedroom. You never tried it on, but you always thought it was a pretty rad NOVELTY ITEM. You get all up on yo tippy-toes and pull that shit off one of the highest shelves of your closet. ... Look, can we just agree that your bedroom actually contains multiple closets, and that this is like the TERTIARY or QUATERNARY CLOSET for all the shit you barely ever touch, and can we agree that that's why the other shelves appear to be completely empty? Okay?? Great, that's what we're going with. Glad we could clear that up. Moving on!
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:41:41 GMT -5
===-==>All right. How are you gonna do this. All right. All right everyone just keep their panties nice and cozy while you figure this out. Just gotta... Huh. Let's see. Maybe if... Hmmmmmm... Nah. All right. No, it's perfectly clear. Just gotta...
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:42:41 GMT -5
===-==>
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:44:26 GMT -5
===-==>
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:45:20 GMT -5
===-==>Fuckin'...
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:46:09 GMT -5
===-==>
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Post by Beelzebibble on Dec 29, 2012 0:47:05 GMT -5
===-==>
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